Archive for the ‘announcements’ Tag

09-30-2013   2 comments

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I’m not a very religious person.  As a kid I was dragged to church services by my mom every blessed week, kicking and screaming all the way.  I was forced into catechism classes at a very young age which I hated. After a few years I was finally able to get my self ejected from them when I was caught reading a somewhat off-color magazine during a Sunday morning class.

I believe people should believe what they want as long as they leave me alone.  Our church had the required illuminated sign out in front with those oh so interesting weekly announcements and even additional verbal notifications made during the Mass. There were wedding announcements, reading of the bans of marriage, and blah, blah, blah, blah. They were just as boring as you can imagine. Here are a few sample announcements that actually appeared on church bulletins boards or were announced during services that aren’t quite as boring as mine were.  Have a chuckle or two on me.

  • Miss Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"; the sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.
  • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other item to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Potluck Supper Sunday at 5PM — prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge — Now Up Yours."

You just can’t make this stuff up. Even the most pious of us can “screw the pooch” once in a while. Of course, I mean that in the most respectful and pious way.

%d bloggers like this: