Archive for the ‘church’ Tag

07-25-2015 Journal– Is Betty Boop Really Catholic?   Leave a comment

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It’s a Saturday morning in Maine in July. It’s rained through the night and everything is wet and bright green as you’d might expect.  The downside is that it’s 6:00 am and my better-half has awakened me because of our planned trip to a nearby church festival. I was informed that it’s critically important that we arrive before 8:00 am before all of the good stuff is gone at the Flea Market.  Just as a point of information the “Flea Market” is nothing more than the basement of the church filled to the rafters with crap.  If I chose to be politically correct it could be called antique, vintage or  preowned but that would be stretching the meaning of those words to the limit. Imagine thousands and thousands of objects discarded by hundreds and hundreds of people scattered across forty of fifty tables, in side rooms, and even outside in tents. The great majority of the items are priced at a dollar or less and even then it’s a rip-off (in my humble opinion). I understand it’s money raised for a church charity so overcharging for crap is accepted and expected.

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It was so crowded with crazy people I could barely move around.  I felt pressured and obligated to buy something because this flea market was being run by a friend and former co-worker.  I dug down deep into my moth infested pocket where I found two one dollar bills.  I decided on a purchase which I would present to my better-half on her birthday.  I imagine every women in the world wants, needs, and desires a beautiful yet tacky Betty Boop toilet paper roller.

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After that purchase I fled the scene and returned to the fair for some greasy and unhealthy fair food.  There was plenty to go around.

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‘Salted, greasy, unhealthy, and almost delicious.’

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‘Hot sausage sandwich, peppers, onions, and a butt load of cholesterol.’ 

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‘Chicken anyone?’

With my belly full I made a bee line for the tent where the books were being sold.  I try to buy a sufficient number to carry me through the upcoming winter but the selection wasn’t as good as in previous years.  I purchased a few but disappointed there weren’t more.

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No real fair or festival fails to have the obligatory Disney presence with Mickey and Minnie posing for pictures with the kids.  I asked cute little Minnie to sit on my lap for a picture but she adamantly refused.  Nobody likes a prudish and fake mouse and she was  really mean too!

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My better-half made a number of trips to the car with her arms loaded with just about everything.  She bought food, toys, raffle tickets, and enough other crap to fill my trunk and backseat.  I was more than a little happy to see that church in my rear view mirror as we pulled away. 

Another three and a half hours of my life I’ll never get back.

09-30-2013   2 comments

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I’m not a very religious person.  As a kid I was dragged to church services by my mom every blessed week, kicking and screaming all the way.  I was forced into catechism classes at a very young age which I hated. After a few years I was finally able to get my self ejected from them when I was caught reading a somewhat off-color magazine during a Sunday morning class.

I believe people should believe what they want as long as they leave me alone.  Our church had the required illuminated sign out in front with those oh so interesting weekly announcements and even additional verbal notifications made during the Mass. There were wedding announcements, reading of the bans of marriage, and blah, blah, blah, blah. They were just as boring as you can imagine. Here are a few sample announcements that actually appeared on church bulletins boards or were announced during services that aren’t quite as boring as mine were.  Have a chuckle or two on me.

  • Miss Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"; the sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.
  • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other item to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Potluck Supper Sunday at 5PM — prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge — Now Up Yours."

You just can’t make this stuff up. Even the most pious of us can “screw the pooch” once in a while. Of course, I mean that in the most respectful and pious way.

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