Archive for the ‘fitness’ Tag

09-23-2013   2 comments

Here’s a little heads up for all of you.  I just checked the national observances for September and was somewhat disappointed.  I guess it’s official, September has nothing to offer, it just sucks. Contact your local politicians, write letters to Obama, alert the effing media because September needs an official designation besides being "Suck Month".

I guess I sound a little cranky today because I am.  I’m in my seventh week of my new exercise and diet program and I’m hungry enough to eat the southbound end of a northbound mule.  I’ve come to realize in the last seven weeks that an addiction to sugar is even worse than my former addiction to cigarettes. 

I wasn’t a believer until I began this program which requires me to eat as little sugar as possible.  I’ve always been a choc-o-holic with a sweet tooth that kept me eating huge amounts of sugar as often as possible.  Life was good as long as I got my daily dose of chocolate, candy, or pastries.

After being advised by my doctor to eliminate sugar from my diet completely I never expected it to be so difficult. He directed me to start reading the labels of the things I’d been eating as well as the things I planned to eat.  Ignorance was bliss to be sure.  Every damn thing has some kind of sugar in it and it’s almost impossible to eat something healthy and actually sugar free.  The cravings started almost immediately and increased with each passing day.  It was making me a little crazy and I turned into a cranky and mean SOB that my better-half was ready to kill.  I was forced to withdraw a little from her because I was on edge and picking fights with her about really stupid stuff.  I knew it was happening but couldn’t really control it very well.  It took almost five  weeks before I physically began to feel a little better.

When I quit smoking in 1985, I did it "cold turkey" after being motivated by a panic attack I thought was a heart attack.  Even then the worst of the physical cravings for nicotine passed within two or three weeks.  I guess the solution to my problems is to take up smoking candy cigarettes.

I’m doing well now and have learned to almost not hate my treadmill.  I’ve walked at a good pace for more than thirty-five miles and am starting to feel physically better.  I’ve lost almost seventeen pounds so far but still have a ways to go before I’ll be satisfied. 

It’s going to be a long winter but at the end of it I will be thinner, trimmer, and healthier.  In my opinion that’s a pretty good trifecta.

02-05-2013   4 comments

I have a huge and life effecting announcement to make today. My better-half has renewed her gym membership and is again on the road to physical improvement.  Poor Planet Fitness may never be the same again.  I especially love her analysis of their programs when she returns home after each visit. Her fashion review and critique of all the new outfits being worn by her peers is always soooooo exciting. 

I’ve noticed over the years that we humans are a strange and peculiar bunch.  Not only do we need to have a modicum of physical exercise to stay healthy but we’ve got to look good doing it.  You see it in the groups of early morning mall walkers.  Huge numbers of senior, prego’s, and misfits arrive at the mall in their power walking uniforms.  They’ve created their own little subculture of weirdly dressed individuals marching in unison around malls all across the country. Most seem more interested in the socializing aspect than the walking. 

The same phenomenon is happening in gyms around the country.  Cutesy little outfits being worn by what for the most part are folks with issues of weight and bad taste.  I decided long ago that to do Pilates properly I’d need to spend a few hundred dollars on wildly colored outfits and OMG, special exercising sneakers, just to fit in.  Why is it that we need a uniform for any and all activities we participate in.  It’s imperative that we look better than all of the other masochists because weight loss all of a sudden becomes the secondary goal.

Our society has slowly but surely become infatuated with weight loss, exercising, and various forms of meditation techniques.  I agree that something is necessary to fight this epidemic of obesity but we’re bombarded with a constant stream of programs like the Biggest Loser along with dozens of early morning hour long commercials for exercise techniques like  Zumba and Insanity.  It really is insane.

I recently considered giving Yoga a try but after pricing a new outfit, new sneakers, and a rather expensive Yoga mat, I had to let it go.  Not only was I expected to deal with pulled muscles and many stiff and sore body parts but I had to invest a substantial sum to do it.  I was forced by circumstance to develop my own meditation technique which I’ll explain in detail momentarily.

My technique is simple to do and requires much less actual physical activity.  You won’t need any special equipment of any kind and if done properly you’ll  have no additional costs.  It can be done in any living room or bedroom in less that a half hour and clothing is optional. Let me take you through the process.

Step 1

Remove as much clothing as you’re comfortable with and stand in the middle of the room.  Close your eyes and stand erect thinking only of your "happy place".  Once you’ve arrived there you can begin to breath deeply and slowly.

Step 2

Take any old blanket or afghan and lay it across the divan, sofa, bed, or floor where you’ll be most comfortable.  All the while maintaining your trance-like state in your "happy place".

Step 3

Assume a prone position on that covering with your legs straight out and your arms at your side.  Very quietly hum to yourself the song "Desperado".

Step 4

Maintaining your trance-like state is crucial at this point. Slowly take an alarm clock and set the alarm for twenty minutes and set it aside.

Step 5

Very slowly pull a second cover over yourself.  Breath deeply and slowly for 1 minute and then TAKE A FREAKING NAP.

Follow the instructions closely and complete them at least four times a week.  I guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself and others almost immediately.  You can also play background music of your choice but not very loudly.

I explained my meditation system to my better-half but she was no help.  She thought it was stupid and ridiculed me a little longer than I thought was necessary.  She  stated emphatically that having sex until you drop  was a much better way to go than my plan.

We agreed to disagree.

Posted February 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying

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