Archive for the ‘chocolate’ Tag

09/01/2021 My Food Addiction   Leave a comment

Do you consider yourself a food addict? Unfortunately every human being on the planet is, like it or not. We’re obsessed with food for our entire lives and without it we would cease to exist. That’s obviously an addiction I can and have learned to live with.

As I watch TV everyday the constant stream of food-related instructional programming is enough to drive me up the wall. Never in my life did I imagine just how wrong I’ve been eating and drinking and truly enjoying myself. Actually if the experts are right, everything that I eat is unhealthy, lacking nutritional value, and will eventually kill me. Fifteen years ago eggs were the killer and a few years later, whoops, all of a sudden a couple of eggs a week is no problem. Drinking coffee is bad and then it’s good. Eating sugar is dangerous and then it’s good in moderate amounts. Drinking soda is bad, turn it into diet soda, then it’s good, closely examine the sweetener in the diet soda, and then it’s bad again.

I’ve been convinced over the years that all of these so-called experts haven’t got a clue. Every expert that I can find tells me of food products that are bad. The problem is, I can find just as many that will tell me that they aren’t. Don’t even get me started on all of the other things these alleged experts tell us. Don’t drink the water, don’t breathe the air, why not just drop over dead and get it over with.

I’m not here to try and explain their motives, their inaccuracies, or their self-righteousness. I’m just saying that even the dumbest person I know can eventually figure out how ridiculous it all is. Now I’m going to fill your head with some ridiculous food-related information that is just as educational as all of the nonsense supplied from food manufacturers and also from our friendly know-it-all government. Let’s get started.

  • 500 million Hostess Twinkies are sold every year.
  • In America, Coca-Cola out sells Pepsi. In Saudi Arabia and Quebec, the opposite is true.
  • The average ear of corn has 800 kernels.
  • Black olives contain 10 to 30% more oil than green olives.
  • Watermelon is a vegetable.
  • The national drink of Iceland is a potato schnapps called Black Death.
  • M&M’s were named after candy developers Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie.
  • The Marquis De Sade loved chocolate so much he had it sent to him in prison.
  • The Aztecs considered avocados an aphrodisiac.

I’ll bet my information is just as factual as all of those expert’s and a helluva lot more interesting and silly.

EAT UP YOU BUNCH OF FOOD ADDICTS

11-16-2013 The “Battle of the Sexes” Continues   2 comments

I discovered the following list while roaming around the Net yesterday.  I’m known for being sarcastic at times especially when writing about our female counterparts who tend to bring out the devil in me.  The “Battle of the Sexes” is something I take very seriously and I feel that it’s my job to defend my gender.  I think it’s only fair to make sure that women don’t get an unfair upper-hand in the amount of sarcastic BS they circulate about men.  I promise to do my very best to keep  us men on an even keel with them. 

For some reason sarcasm irritates the hell out of many women except for when they’re spewing it themselves.  This list of “Reasons It’s Good to Be a Women”" appear to have been written by a sarcastic and mean-spirited female sexist.  Since she seems to have gone over the edge with her comments I thought I should respond in kind. I’m not saying she’s a man hater but it’s certainly someone who must has been dumped recently or has a string of failed relationships that fueled her anger and sarcasm.  I hope you enjoy this item-by-item comparison written by a somewhat sarcastic man who definitely has had a few failed relationships along the way. Enjoy.

“Reasons It’s Good to be a Woman”

  1. We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

  2. Taxis stop for us.

  3. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

  4. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

  5. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

  6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

  7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

8.    We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

9.   We have the ability to dress ourselves.

10.  We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

11.  If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

12.  We will never regret piercing our ears.

13.  There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

14.  We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.

* * *

Am I right?  Does she sound just a little bitter?  No doubt in my mind she has issues she’s not dealing with all that well.  I think it’s time for my contribution to this discussion in a much more rational and male manner.  I’ll address her points one-by-one. 

“Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Man”

1.    We don’t get and complain about gynecological disorders but if we had to listen to our women explain them, then we’d  probably jump off the Titanic voluntarily.

2.    We have vehicles and require no taxis.

3.    We don’t need to dance to display the goods.  Here they are.

4.    We may wear the occasional Speedo at the beach but we never go to Walmart in a dirty pink sweat suit with Hot & Juicy printed across the ass.

5.    We pass gas which eases our pain and keeps us from becoming as mean and disagreeable than our gas-pained female friends and lovers.

6.    We love to shave, it makes us clean and neat, not hairy and scary like some of the girls.

7.    We have the maturity and passion to show our male friends the “Thrill of Victory” and the “Agony of Defeat” without worrying about what our homophobic female friends think.

8.    We don’t reach down to touch ourselves to make sure our junk is still there.  We do that for those females with a short attention span so they won’t forget where the goods really are.

9.    We dress ourselves in a simple manner because if it’s too complicated our poor female lovers can’t figure a way to remove our clothing.

10.  We talk to the opposite sex because we have the unique ability to accurately picture them naked.

11.  We won’t marry someone 20 years older than us because that would make us look like an idiot.

12.  We will never regret much of anything, EVER.

13.  We carry a supply of chocolates with us at all times to entice the welcoming chocoholic females into a gooey, chocolate, and messy sex romp.

14.  We can say almost anything we want in the presence of women because they’re too busy yakking it up with each other  to hear what we have to say.

15th and Most Important:  WE HAVE CUSTODY OF THE PENIS.  With that in our favor we really own most women except for the occasion Lesbian.  But even they find it necessary at times to make detailed replicas of the penis for their amusement and the amusement of their partners.

MEN RULE

(Sarcasm Off)

09-23-2013   2 comments

Here’s a little heads up for all of you.  I just checked the national observances for September and was somewhat disappointed.  I guess it’s official, September has nothing to offer, it just sucks. Contact your local politicians, write letters to Obama, alert the effing media because September needs an official designation besides being "Suck Month".

I guess I sound a little cranky today because I am.  I’m in my seventh week of my new exercise and diet program and I’m hungry enough to eat the southbound end of a northbound mule.  I’ve come to realize in the last seven weeks that an addiction to sugar is even worse than my former addiction to cigarettes. 

I wasn’t a believer until I began this program which requires me to eat as little sugar as possible.  I’ve always been a choc-o-holic with a sweet tooth that kept me eating huge amounts of sugar as often as possible.  Life was good as long as I got my daily dose of chocolate, candy, or pastries.

After being advised by my doctor to eliminate sugar from my diet completely I never expected it to be so difficult. He directed me to start reading the labels of the things I’d been eating as well as the things I planned to eat.  Ignorance was bliss to be sure.  Every damn thing has some kind of sugar in it and it’s almost impossible to eat something healthy and actually sugar free.  The cravings started almost immediately and increased with each passing day.  It was making me a little crazy and I turned into a cranky and mean SOB that my better-half was ready to kill.  I was forced to withdraw a little from her because I was on edge and picking fights with her about really stupid stuff.  I knew it was happening but couldn’t really control it very well.  It took almost five  weeks before I physically began to feel a little better.

When I quit smoking in 1985, I did it "cold turkey" after being motivated by a panic attack I thought was a heart attack.  Even then the worst of the physical cravings for nicotine passed within two or three weeks.  I guess the solution to my problems is to take up smoking candy cigarettes.

I’m doing well now and have learned to almost not hate my treadmill.  I’ve walked at a good pace for more than thirty-five miles and am starting to feel physically better.  I’ve lost almost seventeen pounds so far but still have a ways to go before I’ll be satisfied. 

It’s going to be a long winter but at the end of it I will be thinner, trimmer, and healthier.  In my opinion that’s a pretty good trifecta.

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