I’ve mentioned in the past that my better-half works for Lowes Home Improvement. She’s worked there for a number of years and is what I would consider an honest and loyal employee. That being said she then becomes a huge target for my sarcastic wit. I worked in big box retail for a lot of years myself so I know exactly which of her buttons to push to make her a little crazy. I’m dedicating this posting to her and all of the other loyal slaves at Lowes.
I’ll be supplying her with a number of copies of this that she can distribute amongst her cashiers and service desk employees. After all knowing your customers is the best way to develop those in-demand customer service skills. Read and learn girls!
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You’re in the middle of a few spring projects: putting in a new fence, yard cleanup, putting in a new garden. You’re hot and sweaty, covered in dirt, lawn clippings, and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with numerous unknown stains on it, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Lowes for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s: Stop what you’re doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married a hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Lowes. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing.
In your 50s:
Stop what your doing, put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowes until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Lowes. You go to Wal-Mart by mistake. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
In your 90s & beyond:
Something for my garden? Where am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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My mission for today has been accomplished. As always, you’re welcome.
Does anyone reading this blog think I’m an MTV lover? Up until recently you would have been right if you said no. That was before I discovered a show which made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. It’s called "The Girl Code" and I’ve kinda-sorta made it a part of my permanent watch list. The show introduces a group of really attractive young women who appear to be into clubbing, carousing, and enjoying the life of a typical woman in her twenties. They are offering their insights and rules into dating behavior that is so damn funny (and probably true) I just couldn’t stop watching and laughing.
I was quietly surfing through the TV channels one morning just minding my own business when I happened upon a really beautiful young woman. She was in the process of reciting one of the Girl Code Rules that I was totally unfamiliar with. It was and I quote, "Plop, flush, and get out." It concerned Ladies Room etiquette that we men haven’t been made privy to until now. Their list of rules appears endless and merciless to themselves, their friends, and their potential boyfriend candidates. Here’s a little more random information I’m supposed to believe are rules being followed by the young dating females in this country. I must admit I’m a bit skeptical and intimidated.
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The number one rule is the MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL. No girl may date her friend’s; exes, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies. Acceptation’s to the rule: a) Your friend has given you permission/ couldn’t care less.
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If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as "The boy" or "That guy".
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All girls must have a "Mr.Right Now". This is the guy friend who is always ready and available to hang out with you, and may or may not like you as more than a friend. He is always ready to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn’t remember in the morning. He’s not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
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If you just met a guy and know absolutely nothing about him, but need to refer to him during ‘girl talk’ you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes… that guy. (Ex. "The Camaro guy", "The Trainer dude", "The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy")
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Every girl must wait at least a day and a half before calling a guy whose number she has retrieved.
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You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. Exception: If he’s one of those guys who every girl likes.
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A girl has a right to lie in order to keep a secret told to her by her best friend.
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It is fine to act like a BFF with someone and still think they’re weird, annoying, sluts, etc. behind their back but only if you talk about it with your REAL best friend.
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Trying to hard to be friends with someone or some people makes you look annoying and stupid. Everyone will talk about you. And nobody will actually like you. DONT TRY TOO HARD.
I’m certainly glad my days of dating are over. If you’re a guy these days it’s kinda like walking through a minefield in your bare feet. If I stumble upon anymore of these unknown female rules and requirements I’ll be sure to pass them along immediately. The more information we males can collect and share can only help us in our eternal quest for recreational sex. My best advice is to tune in to MTV and catch a few episodes of Girl Rules. You may learn a thing or two but even if you don’t the girls are attractive and their rules are hysterical.
everyuselessthing.com 