Archive for the ‘sex’ Tag

11/16/2022 “Things You Want to Know”   Leave a comment

THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WANTED TO KNOW

SEX

  • It is illegal In Arizona for a secretary to be alone with his or her boss.
  • In Oklahoma you must be married in order to have sex legally.
  • It is illegal to kiss for more than 5 minutes In Iowa.
  • In Indiana it is illegal to be in a state of sexual arousal in public.
  • Talking dirty during sex is illegal in Oregon.
  • In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in a household.

TRANSPORTATION

  • The Lincoln Highway from New York to California was the first coast-to-coast highway in the United States. It opened for travel in 1913.
  • The last model T Ford was produced on May 26, 1927.
  • The first electric traffic light was installed in Cleveland Ohio in 1914.
  • The first parking meter in the United States was installed in 1935.
  • The first speed limit law in the United States was established in Connecticut in 1901. The limit for cars in cities was 10 miles per hour.
  • The first mountain bikes were made in the United States in 1979 by Charles Kelly and Gary Fisher.

FOOD & DRINK

  • Starbucks Coffee Company was named after Starbuck, a character in Moby Dick.
  • The hot dog was invented by Charles Feltman in 1874.
  • Hershey’s Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
  • There are over 5900 Dairy Queens throughout the world.
  • There are over 3000 varieties of tea.
  • Cotton Candy made its debut in 1904 at the World’s Fair in St. Louis.

I TOLD YOU, YOU’D WANT TO KNOW

11/09/2022 Losing Your Virginity   Leave a comment

What’s a day without a load of trivial and useless information. If you want to know everything about celebrity’s losing their virginities this is the place to be today. In no particular order.

Jimi Hendrix – age 12

Johnny Depp – age 13

Clint Eastwood – age 14

David Duchovny – age 14

Bruce Willis – age 14

Michael Caine age 15

Charlie Sheen age 15

Madonna age 15

Victoria Beckham – age 17

Brad Pitt age 18

Leonardo DiCaprio – age 18

Brooke Shields – age 18

Mira Sorvino – age 20

Mariah Carey – age 23

Lisa Kudrow – age 31

I LOST MINE AT AGE 14 WITH SANDRA

07/29/2022 More Number Freaking   1 comment

I’ve posted previously about what Number Freaking is all about. If you’re really interested just do a search to read those posts. Today’s number freaking facts and stats concern sex. I knew that would get your attention very quickly. Read on and be educated . . .

  • The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior claims sexual intercourse takes place, worldwide, 120 million times every day. Assuming an average of one male per coupling and one orgasm per male It is estimated that 30 million billion (30 quadrillion) sperms are in the hunt every day.
  • Assuming a healthy male can make as many as 1500 sperm a second, in 1 min. he can produce 90,000 sperm.
  • There are 2.2 billion adult women on earth. It would take one man 17 days to make one’s sperm per woman.
  • The average number of kids born per women worldwide is 2.8. So, assume an average woman will lose 28 menstruating months to pregnancy during her lifetime.
  • The average woman will menstruate 19.66 quarts of blood in her lifetime. That’s about the same amount as two cases of wine.

  • The average American man first gets married at the age of 28.7 years and dies at the age of 76. A duration of 47.8 years. If he could manage having sex three times a day every day until he dies, he would’ve had intercourse 52,376 times.
  • According to the Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior the country boasting the longest lasting sexual intercourse is Brazil at 30 min. The USA, Canada, and Brits follow with 28, 23, and 21 min. respectively. The quickest sex in the world takes place in Thailand in 10 min. and Russia in 12 min.
  • The data shows that almost 88% of men’s penises measure between 5 and 7 inches when erect. When relaxed 90% of men are 3 to 5 inches.
  • Kinsey also reports that the average vagina is 3 inches long with a diameter of .8 inches when aroused, and 3.75 to 4.1 inches long with a diameter of 2.3 to 2.5 inches when stimulated (so it’s wide enough for birth).
  • Women in Kinsey studies said that on average they took just under 4 min. to achieve orgasm, flying solo. Practicing with a partner, however, it took between 10 and 20 min.

And here is one of my favorite factoids concerning men. There is a popular assumption that man think constantly about sex. Globally, life expectancy at birth, for a man, is 65 years. If we assume men start thinking about sex with the advent of puberty, which we’ll assume to be at age 13, that means men will think about sex every 6 seconds for 52 years or 273.5 million times.

NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL AN OBSESSION

07/09/2022 “Euphemisms”   4 comments

I love the English language. There are so many strange and interesting euphemisms that I could spend the rest of my life searching through. I recently stumbled onto a list of 228 euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Of course, I won’t be listing them all but here are ten you might find interesting or humorous.

  • Dance the Buttock Jig
  • Do a Dicky Dunk
  • Do a Grumble and Grunt
  • Buzz the Brillo
  • Peel Your Best End

  • Play Pickle-me, Tickle-me
  • Take a Trip Up the Rhine
  • Pray With the Knees Upward
  • Trade a Bit of Hard for a Bit of Soft
  • Make the Chimney Smoke

And last but not least, here are ten euphemisms for sexual arousal: To Be Hot in the Biscuit, To Be Dripping for It, To Be Rooty, To Be in Season, To Be Constitutionally Inclined to Gallantry, To Have Peas in the Pot, To Be Hunky, To Be Affy, To Be Mashed, and finally To Be Primed.

WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

06/26/2022 🙉More Malaprops🙉   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

04/21/2022 American Weirdness   Leave a comment

I’ve been associated with Law Enforcement both as a police officer and also as a private citizen. I’ve seen a lot of things that were more than a little strange and some more than a little scary. So, when I stumbled upon this list that I’m about to post I wasn’t all that surprised. In the past I’ve posted about some strange laws still on the books in this country, but this list takes the cake. This is about weird sex laws gathered from a number of states and to say they’re a little bizarre is an understatement. Here we go . . .

  • In Harrisburg, PA, there’s a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
  • In Newcastle, WY, there’s a law against having sex in a butcher shop freezer.
  • In Clinton, OK, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
  • In Tremonton, UT, you aren’t permitted to have sex in an ambulance.
  • In Alexandria, MN, it’s illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if he has the smell of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
  • In Willowdale, OR a husband cannot talk dirty in his wife’s ear during sex.
  • In Ames, IA, there’s a law against a man drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
  • In Ventura, CA, there’s a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
  • In Kingsville, TX there’s a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville Airport property.

WELCOME TO THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE WEIRD

04/17/2022 Lovin’ the Holiday   3 comments

Over the years I’ve consistently stated that I was not a fan of organized religions. You can disagree or agree, that’s your privilege. I also don’t participate in religious holiday celebrations either. That being said, I know many of you do. Here is my contribution this year to add to your holiday cheer. We always need a little humor thrown into the mix.

Robert just graduated with a degree in Clinical Psychology and opened his first office. After some successful advertising he was astounded to have nearly 200 people wanting to be in group therapy. Robert decided to rent a large hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, he decided to ask for a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asked for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asked, how many had sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands were raised. Robert then asked how many had sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands were raised. After he polled his group several more times, he noticed John sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. He also noticed that John had never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. John stated proudly, “Once a year!” Robert then responded, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year??” John smiling from ear-to-ear responded, “Tonight’s the night!”

HAPPY EASTER!

04/13/2022 Penis Euphemisms   2 comments

I have to admit that my choice of reading materials is vast. I’ll read just about anything I can get my hands on at any given moment. With that in mind, I stumbled upon a book recently filled with euphemisms of all kinds. I’m going to start posting some of these euphemism lists over the next few months because they are hysterically funny. That being said, me being a man, I thought the first list would contain 45 nicknames for penises. Don’t worry girls the list for women’s vaginas is five times as long as the one for men and I’ll be posting that list as we go forward. Speaking for myself, I’ve never ever named my penis. It amazes me that so many men do. Let’s get started . . .

The Bazooka, A Bit of Hard, A Bit of Stiff, The Bone, A Boner, Captain Standish, The Cockstand, Coleen Bawn, Crack a Fat, The Cunt Stretcher, Fixed Bayonets, A Full, The Golden River, A Hard-on, The Horn, In Ones Best Clothes, In One’s Sunday Best, An Irish Toothache, Jack, A Lance at Rest, The Marquess of Porn, Morning Pride, Old Hornington, Old Horny, Be on the Stand, Be Piss Proud, Be Proud Below the Navel, The Rail, The Ramrod, The Reamer, The Rose in Ones Levi’s, The Roaring Horn, Roaring Jack, The Rock Python, The Spike, The Stalk, The Standard, The Standing Member, Standingware,, Stiff and Stout, A Stiff One, Stiffy, A Toothache, A Wood, A Woody . . . .

I’m pretty sure if I were making this list, it wouldn’t be as lame as these. It’s obvious to me that the guys who contributed to this list weren’t all that proud of their little (no pun intended) friend. One more fact for you. I will not be naming my penis in this post. He already knows who he is and needs no further introduction. I promise that if the day comes when I think it’s necessary to ID him, I’ll post it immediately.

I’M WORKING ON MY OWN UPDATED LIST FOR PENISES

11/13/2021 Nakedness is Happiness   Leave a comment

I’m sitting here today and enjoying my weekend. With winter bearing down on us and those delicious cold winter nights in my immediate future, I’m excited. Today I want to talk about sleeping naked. Sleeping naked is something that I’ve done my entire life except for a couple of years in the Army and a month here and there while in training as a police officer. I absolutely love it but I’ve been unable to do it for the last 18 months. Following my many issues with my cancer diagnosis I’ve been forced to sleep in a pair of shorts. I don’t think I need to explain why. Since most of my medical nightmares are ending my body is finally returning to normal and I’m about to give up the shorts and really enjoy this winter and the cold nights the way they ought to be enjoyed.

Over the years I’ve wasted many hours attempting to explain to certain individuals that sleeping naked is the only way to go. Why is it that most people become so set in their ways they can’t change no matter how good the argument might be for them to do so. Sleeping naked just seems to me to be the most natural and comfortable way to become completely rested. I’ve known some people who came to bed dressed for battle. One in particular loves wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt, full-length sweatpants, and usually a pair of totally unfashionable and ugly socks. Who in God’s name could possibly relax and get a good nights sleep dressed in an outfit like that? It’s even more of an issue if you’re coming to bed expecting a sexual encounter. It would take 20 minutes to find everything you’re looking for.

Nudity is the main issue I suppose. Why are people so repressed sexually and consumed with body image? I’ve known drop-dead gorgeous women who were so attractive they could’ve have any man they wanted for a sexual partner. They still choose to hide under the covers and are fearful of being seen naked. The old saying “if you’ve got it, flaunt it.” apparently doesn’t apply to everyone. On the reverse side of this issue I’ve known a few women who were anything but runway models and they spent more time naked than I did. Don’t even get me started about the arguments I’ve had about whether the lights in the bedroom should be on or off. It’s just nuts!

There’ve been famous people throughout history who loved being naked and weren’t afraid to admit it. Even one of our illustrious forefathers, Benjamin Franklin, when ambassador to France, was known to take on a daily basis what he called an “air bath”. He once wrote to the French physician, Jacques Barbeu-Duborg, describing it: “I rise early almost every morning and sit in my chamber, without any clothes whatever, half an hour or an hour, according to the season, either reading or writing.” On more than one occasion over the years I’ve tested his theory and I’m here to tell you he was absolutely right. It’s just a simple fact that doing things naked is way better than doing it clothed.

Let me throw a few quotes into the mix just to make things interesting:

  • “What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful than the garment with which it is clothed?” Michelangelo
  • “I come from a country where you don’t wear clothes most of the year. Nudity is the most natural state. I was born nude and I hope to be buried nude.” Elle MacPherson
  • “Government, like dress, is the badge of lost innocence.” Thomas Paine, ‘Common Sense
  • “I get it, man, I do. Sleeping next to a naked woman is one of the best things about being a man, if not the best. But as a woman I don’t want to do it. I need a barrier of pajamas. When I woke up this morning naked, I just felt gross. Men sleep naked, I think, because they are sweaty human beings who perspire like a Tour de France cyclist through the night. Have you ever smelled a guys sweaty sheets?” Anonymous

I suppose that last quote embodies everything I disagree with in one paragraph. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but OMG could that opinion reflect any more inaccuracies and biases? I’m willing to stand up and say “Men are not sweatier or grosser than women .”Have you ever smelled a guys sweaty sheets?” What arrogance. Women smell the same as men and if they’re the least bit concerned with their partner’s body odor, tell them to get up and take a shower. Join them if you must and have a little fun while you’re at it. If everyone takes a bath or shower and then “stinky” is no longer an issue. You make love, roll your butt out of bed and take another shower if you must. Common courtesy is the most important thing when sharing your bed and a bit of bodily fluid whether clothed or unclothed.

GET NAKED, SLEEP NAKED, PLAY NAKED

WHO COULD AS FOR ANYTHING MORE?

11/11/2021 Isn’t It Romantic?   Leave a comment

(Sarcasm On)

I’m sitting here in my man-cave reading a novel that is quite romantic. I’m not a usual reader of romance novels but there’s a reason I’m reading this one. For the last nine days in a row my better-half has requested my presence to watch Rom-Coms after dinner. I have to admit that I enjoy some of them but the great majority are kind of trashy and stupid. She insists that these movies are the epitome of romance, I couldn’t disagree more. Over the years I’ve been called many things, some good and some not so good by a variety of ladies. I can honestly say I have never been called romantic and again I disagree with them as well. In my opinion women should not be the final word on whether a man is romantic or not. On one or two occasions I’ve actually had women call me out in front of others for being unromantic, and for the last time I again absolutely disagree.

I recall an old movie that I thoroughly enjoyed watching starring Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah called Roxanne. It was a mushy silly takeoff on some Shakespearean story and at one point in the story Steve Martin serenaded Daryl Hannah at her bedroom window. If that’s a requirement for being identified as romantic, forget about it. I may be a lot of things but a singer I’m not. If I attempted to serenade a woman two things would immediately occur. First, she would cover her ears and slam the window shut. Secondly, the police would arrest me for “disturbing the peace” and “being a public nuisance”. So scratch serenading off my list of romantic things I could do.

I love reading but reading Shakespeare and stuffy poetry aloud to a woman I’ve just become interested in isn’t going to happen either. I’m more likely to recite some of my own poetry which is usually funny and a little off-color. You know what I mean, “There once was a man from Nantucket . . .”. Strike two for me. Maybe my critics were right after all. Allow me to continue my thought processes before you make your final decision.

I’ve been known to create a CD or two filled with romantic Lionel Richie love songs which I must say works like a charm. I’ve also been known to send flowers on occasion but unfortunately only to my mother on Mother’s Day.

Quite a few times in the past I’ve given IOU’s to various women for foot rubs. I’ve been complimented numerous times about my delicate and sensitive touch but I’ve never fully explained to most of them about my harmless but fun foot fetish. That’s my little secret.

Body massages are always a great approach for intimacy with many wonderful advantages available if done properly. Just so you know, I can massage with the best of them. So give me some points for that.

Taking a woman to dinner can be a pleasurable experience as well. It’s also a pretty good way to guilt them into sex. Spend $20 for the meal and you’ll likely get a long leisurely French kiss at the door. Spend $50 and you get an invitation to come in and play “slap and tickle” on the couch for a while. Spend over $100 for the meal and purchase an expensive bottle of wine and you’ll be swept into the “Promised Land” on the ‘Wings of Angels”. Been there and done that too.

Take them to a movie after that good meal and make sure it’s a tear-jerking “chick flick” and your golden. Dropping a few tears during the love scenes is perfect. Pretend to wipe the tears from your cheek so she can’t see you doing it, but make sure she does. A good meal, a bottle of good wine, a mushy movie, and a tear or two, and she’s yours for the asking. Now, if that’s not romance I don’t know what is.

So what have we learned about me. I like good food and good wine – Check! I like movies – Check! I like to spend time with women – Check! I write off-color and funny poetry – Check! I like massaging the naked bodies and feet of women – Check! I can drop a tear or two if necessary – Check! I like sex – Check! I can sleep over or go home immediately after sex – Your choice!

HOW MUCH MORE ROMANTIC CAN I GET?

(Sarcasm Off)

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