Archive for the ‘silliness’ Tag

04-11-2014 Cellular Love & Marriage   1 comment

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I consistently ask myself questions about the things I see.  It’s not that I’m seeing these things that bothers me, it’s that I don’t entirely understand what I’m seeing.  One of the things that confuses me the most are the situations I see developing these days between people and their cell phones.

I’ll try to explain clearly where I’m coming from in order to keep any confusion to a minimum. After being held hostage by Verizon Wireless for the last seven years I made the bold move of dumping their service and stepping back three or four technological paces to something far simpler and inexpensive. I won’t get into the particulars except to say I’ve cut my monthly costs by 70%.  I don’t want you to think I hate cell phones because I don’t.  What I do hate is the unhealthy hold those devices seem to have on such a large portion of our population.

Next, I need to state emphatically my total and complete support for both heterosexual and homosexual marriages.  No, my mind isn’t wandering but hang in there a moment or two until I explain.  I object strongly to the new wave of intimate relationships I’m observing between humans and cellphones. It’s becoming a little embarrassing to see these phones being cuddled and stroked by both men and women in public places. It’s a bit disgusting. 

People buying their phones cutesy little bejeweled outfits in a variety of colored covers to keep things from getting too boring.  Even the kids are getting into the act with little or no parental oversight.  Sitting along in their rooms at night talking quietly on the phone, roaming the Internet until all  hours of the morning, and posting "selfies" to the world that would in some cases make a porn star blush.

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Those phones are coddled and babied and remain all snuggly in a pocket or purse held tightly next to the heart (or other body parts) of their owners.  I know many women and even a few men who would like nothing better than to have a large device vibrating in their pocket.  People just can’t seem to keep their hands off their phones and don’t even try. What’s next?  The formation of political special interest groups to promote our freedom to marry our cellphones?  Don’t laugh, as weird as things are these days,  it could happen. 

Cell phone ownership is becoming almost as intimate as a marriage.  First you need to find that “soulmate” or should I say “cell-mate”.  It must be attractive and shapely and have all of those attributes you’re looking for.  Once you’ve found that perfect match then your required to enter into a contract for a two year period.  Very similar to a marriage license if you ask me but with one additional advantage.  When your cell-mate gets a little older, all scratched up, and the battery starts to fail you can dump it and sign up for an upgrade. If you dare decide to end the relationship before the contract is up your forced to pay and pay dearly for that right.  Sounds just like a divorce I managed to survive twenty years ago.

I guess I just haven’t met my true "cell-mate" yet.  I suppose it will happen all of a sudden like a lightning bolt and I’ll be lost forever in that wonderful haze of first love, sexting something juicy for the first time, or sending an HD photo of some of my body parts to people who don’t want to see them.

You just gotta love those cell-phones.  Right Lovey.

12-04-2013 New Year’s Resolution’s   Leave a comment

Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search  the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.

Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t.  Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.

  • I will do my homework in time.
  • I will sleep in time.
  • I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
  • I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
  • I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
  • I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
  • I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
  • I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
  • I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!

You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it.   I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.

1.  This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.

2.  I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.

3.  This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.

4.  I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.

Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013.  I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them.  Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.

1.  Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED

2.   Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED

3.   Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED

4.   Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.  FAILED

5.   Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.  FAILED

6.   Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole  more than twenty times a week.  FAILED

7.   Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED

8.   Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED

9.  Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED

10.  Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED

It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes  may be required. See what you think about these.

(Draft Only)

1.  Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.

2.  Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).

3.  Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).

4.  Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.

5.  Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.

6.  Start smoking to lose weight.

7.  Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.

8.  Buy larger clothes.

9.  Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.

10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.

Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though,  it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year.  It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have.  Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.

10-12-2013   Leave a comment

For most of my life I’ve had older people telling me things that I had a hard time believing.  Growing up in western Pennsylvania put me in contact with many people with their genealogical roots in eastern Europe.  I wasn’t more than seven or eight when a elderly neighbor lady who spoke broken English told me to wear cloves of garlic around my neck to ward off evil spirits.  It wasn’t until many years later that I discovered she was an immigrant from Romania where they have a history of evil beings and Vlad the Impaler

Old wives tales are present in every society it seems and have been passed down through the generations as being the gospel truth.  When I lived in Korea I found out the best way to insure a safe pregnancy was to hang a strand of charcoal pieces over the doorway to your home.  I thought it was nonsense but after a group of elderly Korean ladies threatened me with bodily harm, I just smiled and got out of their way.  They put the charcoal in place and there was once again peace in the valley.

Here’s an interesting collection of “Old Wives Tales” for you women out there.  I can’t verify that they’re true or that they actually work but I can guarantee that somewhere out there are a few Old Wives who believe it.

  • If you happen to step on a man’s toes, whether dancing or in a crowd, it is the man you’ll marry. So the next time you step on a man’s toes, take a real good look at him, you just might be looking The One.
  • Eve didn’t have any choice as to who she gave the apple to. But before you give your apple away, try this. Cut it in half and put all the seeds in a pan on the stove. Name each seed after a man you know. Then quickly heat the pan. The first seed to pop will reveal the name of the man for you.
  • A woman who puts on a bridal veil and holds orange blossoms on any occasion, but not her own wedding, will never marry.
  • If you are young woman make a pie. While trimming the pie crust, if it falls over your hand, that is a sign you will marry young.
  • If a woman braids her hair and leaves out a strand, it is a sign she will marry within the year.
  • If there are many men in your life and you wonder which one you’ll marry, take 12 slips of paper and write on each slip the name of one of the men. Place the 12 slips into an envelope and sleep with it under your pillow. Each morning draw one slip from the envelope at random. Rip it up and toss it away. The last slip of paper in the envelope is the name of the man you will marry.
  • If you have a man in your life and you want him to remain interested in you and to pop the big question, never let him carry your comb in his pocket.
  • A woman who makes a good looking bed will have a good looking husband. And a woman who has an unkempt bed will have someone else’s husband.
  • If you haven’t met Mr. Right yet, but want to see his face, follow these steps. Find a well. Make sure it’s not covered so that you can actually look down into it and see the water. On the night of the full moon, toss a penny into the well. The face you see at the bottom of the well is the man you’ll marry.

Unfortunately ladies most of you will one day be an Old Wife. I’m supplying you with these tales so you’ll have something to pass along to your daughters. It’s your motherly responsibility to keep this tradition alive. Every generation has the right to hear this nonsense and then to pass it along to their daughters.  It keeps life interesting.

10-07-2013   Leave a comment

I’m not much of a sports fan and watching sports on TV has no attraction to me whatsoever.  I’ve always had better ways of spending my time than watching almost anything sport related except for possibly one thing.  I will occasionally  watch professional golf. Over the years I played a lot of golf with my father. He introduced me to it at age 13 and I played regularly for more than twenty five years with him, his coworkers, and my friends.

This week was the Presidents Cup Tournament and I didn’t watch the entire match but did waste away a few hours vegging in front of the TV.  It took me back to the days when my Dad was still able to play and the fun we had competing against each other.  It was a nice trip down memory lane for me.   As I was watching I began to remember caddying for him in a number of golf tournaments sponsored by his employer and the many pranks I pulled on him while doing so.  With that in mind I did a little searching and found the following stupid caddy remarks which will make any golfer smile.

* * *

#10

Golfer:    "I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy:    "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#09

Golfer:    "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy:   "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."

#08

Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy:    "Yes     . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

#07

Golfer:   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy:   "Eventually."

#06

Golfer:    "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy:    "I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence." 

#05

Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."

Caddy:    "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."

#04

Golfer:    "How do you like my game?"

Caddy:   "It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.

#03

Golfer:    "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy:   "The way you play, it’s a sin on any day."

#02

Golfer:    "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."

Caddy:    "This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

AND FINALLY #01

Golfer:    "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."

Caddy:   "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."

* * *

Most people think golf is such a very serious pass-time but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  With my Dad and other co-workers it was hilarious at times. I’ll offer this one story and then call this posting finished.

My father was a big, strong, and determined individual.  He was known for his long and accurate drives and could get frustrated  when he was having a bad day.  On one particular occasion he walked to the tee on one of his favorite holes, teed up, and hit the ball so far in the woods it couldn’t be found.  Up until that time it had been a close round but with that shot he lost the match. He proceeded to take his driver, twirled it around his head, and threw it as far as he could into the trees. He then walked off cursing and swearing and never looked back. 

For months afterward as we all played golf on that same course we laughed our asses off every time we came to that hole because his bent and twisted driver could be seen in the top of a nearby tree.  It was just so damn funny. The best part of the prank occurred more than a year later at his retirement dinner when his buddies climbed up that tree, retrieved the club, had it bronzed and mounted on a plaque, and gave it back to him as his retirement gift.

How can you not like golf with good friends like that.

07-14-2013   4 comments

Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day.  These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.

  • The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
  • The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
  • The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
  • Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  • The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
  • On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  • Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
  • A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
  • 65% of statistics are made up.
  • More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
  • A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
  • Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
  • Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
  • Porcupines float in water.
  • "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
  • The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

I’s good to remember these factoids.  Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy.  Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things.  Again, you’re welcome.

05-24-2013   Leave a comment

Today is Ladies Day here at Everyuselessthing.  I know In the past I’ve had a lot of fun with you ladies out there but I’d like to get a little more serious today.  During my normal cruising around the net I discovered that today is what most women would consider a very special day.  I think it’s only fair that the women in this country have more than one day like Mother’s Day to celebrate their femininity.  With that in mind I’m sending out good wishes to all of my female readers and a big HAPPY INTERNATIONAL TIARA DAY.  I’ve included the following blurb I discovered which  explains the origins of this observance and who to blame.  I’m sorry, that must have sounded a little catty and I apologize.

I was surprised a little to discover that’s it’s an "International" observance.  For some reason I thought that this could only be an American thing.  I guess I should have realized that you women folk all would love to have and wear a tiara regardless of what country you live in. As the article explains this observance was created to help every women feel like a princess.  How sweet and somewhat disturbing is that?

So before all of you ladies race off to your local Tiara’s "R" Us, please read along to learn the history of this special, special day, International Tiara Day.

The first International Tiara Day was held on May 24th, 2005 in conjunction with Barbara Bellissimo’s Seasons of Success. In 2009 Lynanne White of American Rose Bridal along with a few of her employees decided everyone should be able to wear a tiara, not just brides. Lynanne researched to see if there was a tiara day. After contacting and receiving permission from Barbara, Lynanne took over International Tiara Day in hopes of helping all women feel like a princess. Lynanne thought May 24th was an appropriate day since it was Queen Victoria’s birthday. We hope to continue this tradition every year. Please help us spread the word.

Now that I’ve properly informed my female readers about this previously unpublicized day it’s back to blog business.  I love listing new followers to this blog along with my special thanks.  Spending time surfing through their blogs is in my opinion time well spent.  They contain a lot of interesting information and diverse writing styles.  Check them out and enjoy them as I do. 

Thanks to: meganlbarr, Glenn Folkes, Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger, sunnysleevez, ArchangelTravels, Cristian Mihai, taylor oceans, Michael Armstrong, Sorina M, Daniel Gonzalez, Ashley, The Overstand Podcast, jamesrevelsthecomposer, immodiumabuser, The CoF, talin401, kirstywirsty, Spy Garden, SipofFashion, and dasitton309.

Oh yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTORIA.

05-04-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve mentioned in the past that my better-half works for Lowes Home Improvement.  She’s worked there for a number of years and is what I would consider an honest and loyal employee.  That being said she then becomes a huge target for my sarcastic wit.  I worked in big box retail for a lot of years myself so I know exactly which of her buttons to push to make her a little crazy. I’m dedicating this posting to her and all of the other loyal slaves at Lowes.

I’ll be supplying her with a number of copies of this that she can distribute amongst her cashiers and service desk employees. After all knowing your customers is the best way to develop those in-demand customer service skills. Read and learn girls!

* * *

You’re in the middle of a few spring projects: putting in a new fence, yard cleanup, putting in a new garden. You’re hot and sweaty, covered in dirt, lawn clippings, and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with numerous unknown stains on it, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Lowes for supplies.  Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you’re doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married a hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Lowes. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing.

In your 50s:
Stop what your doing, put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowes until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. You don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Lowes.  You go to Wal-Mart by mistake. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

In your 90s & beyond:
Something for my garden? Where am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

* * *

My mission for today has been accomplished.  As always, you’re welcome.

05-03-2013   2 comments

Does anyone reading this blog think I’m an MTV lover?  Up until recently you would have been right if you said no. That was before I discovered a show which made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself.  It’s called "The Girl Code" and I’ve kinda-sorta made it a part of my permanent watch list. The show introduces a group of really attractive young women who appear to be into clubbing, carousing, and enjoying the life of a typical woman in her twenties. They are offering their insights and rules into dating behavior that is so damn funny (and probably true) I just couldn’t stop watching and laughing.

I was quietly surfing through the TV channels one morning just minding my own business when I happened upon a really beautiful young woman.  She was in the process of reciting one of the Girl Code Rules that I was totally unfamiliar with.  It was and I quote, "Plop, flush, and get out."  It concerned Ladies Room etiquette that we men haven’t been made privy to until now. Their list of rules appears endless and merciless to themselves, their friends, and their potential boyfriend candidates.  Here’s a little more random information I’m supposed to believe are rules being followed by the young dating females in this country.  I must admit I’m a bit skeptical and intimidated.

  • The number one rule  is the MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL.  No girl may date her friend’s; exes, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies.  Acceptation’s to the rule: a) Your friend has given you permission/ couldn’t care less.
  • If you change boyfriends so fast they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to as "The boy" or "That guy".
  • All girls must have a "Mr.Right Now". This is the guy friend who is always ready and available to hang out with you, and may or may not like you as more than a friend. He is always ready to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn’t remember in the morning. He’s not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
  • If you just met a guy and know absolutely nothing about him, but need to refer to him during ‘girl talk’ you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes… that guy. (Ex. "The Camaro guy", "The Trainer dude", "The Four a.m. in the Taxi Guy")
  • Every girl must wait at least a day and a half before calling a guy whose number she has retrieved.
  • You are never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into. Exception: If he’s one of those guys who every girl likes.
  • A girl has a right to lie in order to keep a secret told to her by her best friend.
  • It is fine to act like a BFF with someone and still think they’re weird, annoying, sluts, etc. behind their back but only if you talk about it with your REAL best friend.
  • Trying to hard to be friends with someone or some people makes you look annoying and stupid. Everyone will talk about you. And nobody will actually like you. DONT TRY TOO HARD.

I’m certainly glad my days of dating are over.  If you’re a guy these days it’s kinda like walking through a minefield in your bare feet.  If I stumble upon anymore of these  unknown female rules and requirements I’ll be sure to pass them along immediately. The more information we males can collect and share can only help us in our eternal quest for recreational sex.  My best advice is to tune in to MTV and catch a few episodes of Girl Rules.  You may learn a thing or two but even if you don’t the girls are attractive and their rules are hysterical.