12-29-2012   2 comments

I’ve always enjoyed the New Years holiday and I’ve partied my fair share over the years.  No pressure for gifts, no family visitors, and no caroling or  boring Christmas  cards.  Just get together, have a few drinks, dance a little, and be hung-over the next day.  Hopefully not waking up in a jail cell or in bed  with someone your not all that familiar with.

I’ve never been a big proponent of making New Year’s resolutions because I honestly never tried keeping them anyway.  It’s just an exercise in futility and just another thing to depress the hell out me when in July I reread the list, swear a few times, and toss it in the can.  The following five resolutions were put together by the US government and a few heath fanatics.  Do they actually think I would take these politically correct items seriously?  They’ve got to be kidding us and themselves.

1. Exercise or start a new physical activity

2. Eat more fresh foods

3. Make your home safer

4. Schedule regular checkups

5. Participate in cognitive health activities

Last year I decided to get more serious and came up with ten realistic resolutions that I might actually have a chance of completing.  As you can see by the following results I wasn’t a total failure but my successes weren’t all that great either. Here they are:

1.   Read four books a month.

COMPLETED – This was any easy one for me but I knew that going in.  I figured I should have at least one I could accomplish without working too hard.

2.   Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.

FAILED – I’m sorry to say this one was much more difficult than I first thought. I blame my complete failure on my better-half who has an uncanny ability to bring  the F-Bombs out of me.

3.   Visit only the  classiest porn sites no more than four times a day.

COMPLETED – Just barely.

4.   Throw the finger at bad drivers no more than three times a week.

COMPLETED – I was especially proud of this accomplishment. There were times when I almost gave in to the dark side, but I hung in there.

5.   Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donut.

FAILED – I never had a chance on this one.  I really don’t consider this a real failure because I suffer from an addiction.  That excuse work’s for almost everyone else so I thought I’d give it a try.

6.   Try not to call my cat a rotten SOB more than three times a day.

FAILED – He continuously baited me for a year to force my failure.  Those damn cats are so sneaky.

7.   Try not to scratch my junk in public more than twice a week.

COMPLETED – I kept it at a once a week level but again it was so damn difficult.  It’s only human nature that if you have toys you play with them. Duh!

8.   Drink less than last year but more than next year.

COMPLETED – I’ll make sure I drink the proper amount next year to make this a success.

9.   Do not smoke marijuana.  Baked in brownies only.

FAILED – Didn’t have it either way and I’m very sad about it.

10. Don’t dance naked near the picture window in the living room.  It scares the neighbors dog.

FAILED – I really don’t like that dog and it was worth a failure here to again frighten and make her crazy.  Damn dog.

I failed five of ten but in all honesty I tried my hardest.  I’ll have my 2013 list completed  soon and I’ll again try to make all of you proud. I hope you do the same and if you’d like to share your upcoming failures, please do so.  I promise not to snicker or laugh. . . . really!

Posted December 30, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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2 responses to “12-29-2012

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  1. John….I always find your blog very interesting and entertaining, even if sometimes I get more information in some areas that I do not want….but you gotta take the good with the bad . Kinda like a relationship. Duh

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