Archive for the ‘resolutions’ Tag

12-28-2015 Journal–New Year’s Resolutions!   3 comments

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Thank God the Christmas season is finally behind us for another year. As much as I enjoy it while it lasts,  when it’s over it’s over. Let’s’ move right along to the next all consuming holiday, New Years. It’s during this in-between time every year that I usually do a final review of my New Year’s resolutions and introduce my list for 2016. With that in mind here is a quick recap of 2015.

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2015

1.  I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year. COMPLETED – I’m now up to 46 minutes.

2.  I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them. COMPLETED, This one was easy.

3.  I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R". COMPLETED: This one was even easier.

CAUSTIC COMMENT – Goodbye OBAMA, your fifteen minutes is almost over.

4.  I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he’s started repeating damn near everything. COMPLETED

5.  I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandsons) who irritate, annoy or piss me off. COMPLETED, and still going strong.

6.  I vow to stop flirting with just anyone.  There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not good for my self esteem.  INCOMPLETE, It’s really difficult to break this semi-bad habit but my hearts not really into trying.

7.  For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window.  It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.  COMPLETE, Due entirely to my better-half’s purchase of a new window treatment.

8.  I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws. INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with whenever possible.

9.  I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month. INCOMPLETE, I’m just not getting it done.

10. Read 2 books a week for a year. COMPLETE, 104 AS OF 12/29/2015.

Now for my resolutions for 2016. I’ve been giving these a lot of thought because I feel the need to shake things up a little. Here goes.

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2016

1.  With the help of my better-half, complete the family recipe book. We’ve procrastinated long enough.

2.  Complete my blog book for 2015.

3.  Between August 8th and New Years, complete at least one more tandem skydive.

4.  Buy a dog.

5.  Keep my foul language to an absolute minimum around the grand kids. I know at some point they’ll both learn all those nasty words but let it be from someone other than me.

6.  Set aside at least two days a month for some quality time with my camera along the Maine coast or in the woods.

7.  Try as hard as I can to give a damn about politics. You should know this  resolution has absolutely no chance of ever being accomplished.

8.  Try to be a little more confrontational and assertive with ignorant people who insist on annoying me.  No more Mr. Nice Guy.

9.  Stop eating potato chips.

10. Set time aside to get back into sketching and painting.  I’ve gotten away from it for a few years and it’s time to return.

There you have it.  I completed seventy percent of my resolutions for 2015 and I’m really proud of myself but I’m also reasonably sure the list for this year will be a lot more difficult. 

I can only keep on keeping on.

12-29-2014 New Year Resolutions!   Leave a comment

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With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015.  In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions.  It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.

2014

  • Read five books a month. COMPLETED
  • Teach the grandson  one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
  • Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
  • Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
  • Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
  • Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors.  I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
  • Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED

Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff.  I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.

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  • I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
  • I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
  • I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
  • I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
  • I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
  • I vow to stop flirting with just anyone.  There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
  • For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window.  It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
  • I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
  • I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.

I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June.  Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time.  As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

12-29-2013 New Year’s Resolutions for 2014   Leave a comment

It’s finally time for me to step up and put in writing the things I’m pledging to do at some time in 2014.  I tried to keep these resolutions as reasonable as possible so I at least have a chance to live up to them.  Here they are.

1.  Read five books a month.

2.  Teach the grandson  one curse word per month once he begins talking.

3.  Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.

4.  Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year.

5.  Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month).

6.  Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors if their complaints mean anything at all.

7.  Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life.

I could have listed a few more but why set myself up for complete and utter failure.  I did that last year and I should be learning from my past mistakes, you’d think.

* * *

I tried to convince my better-half to give me her list for 2014 but I ran into a brick wall.  She appears to be a believer of never putting anything in writing regardless of who makes the request.  I even tried intimidating her a little.  I attempted to make her comply by threatening to post a few crazy resolutions and tell the world they came from her.  I won’t repeat her reply since I do try to keep this blog at a PG rating.  I admit she has a pretty effective way of intimidating me and that will also stay a deep and dark secret.

AHHHHH ANOTHER NEW YEAR HERE IN PARADISE.

12-16-2013. Resolutions   Leave a comment

I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just  once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.

Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.

Drink Less Alcohol

Eat Healthy Food

Get a Better Education

Get a Better Job

Get Fit

Lose Weight

Manage Debt

Manage Stress

Quit Smoking

Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle

Save Money

Take a Trip

Volunteer to Help Others

I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing.  However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens.  Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.

  • Visit your local senior center.
  • Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
  • Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
  • Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
  • Learn how to use the Internet.
  • Schedule regular exercise.
  • Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
  • Get your papers/affairs in order.
  • Consider a personal emergency response system.

Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior.  Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.

  • I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
  • Focus more on the music.
  • By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
  • As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
  • Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
  • Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
  • Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
  • Take guitar lessons.
  • Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.

My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine  than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked  I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.

  • Work on my flexibility.
  • Whiten those teeth.
  • Work at least four days a week.
  • Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
  • Wake up sober on Thursdays.
  • I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.

All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for.  I’d hate to be forced to again  resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.

More to come.

12-04-2013 New Year’s Resolution’s   Leave a comment

Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search  the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.

Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t.  Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.

  • I will do my homework in time.
  • I will sleep in time.
  • I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
  • I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
  • I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
  • I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
  • I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
  • I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
  • I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!

You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it.   I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.

1.  This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.

2.  I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.

3.  This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.

4.  I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.

Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013.  I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them.  Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.

1.  Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED

2.   Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED

3.   Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED

4.   Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.  FAILED

5.   Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.  FAILED

6.   Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole  more than twenty times a week.  FAILED

7.   Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED

8.   Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED

9.  Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED

10.  Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED

It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes  may be required. See what you think about these.

(Draft Only)

1.  Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.

2.  Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).

3.  Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).

4.  Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.

5.  Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.

6.  Start smoking to lose weight.

7.  Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.

8.  Buy larger clothes.

9.  Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.

10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.

Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though,  it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year.  It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have.  Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.

12-31-2012   1 comment

Last year at this time I decided to really and truly live up to and complete a list of ten New Year’s resolutions.  Being the serious person that I am (no laughter please), I thought that if I created a more realistic list of things I just might accomplish them.  If you read this blog recently you discovered that I successfully completed only five of my ten resolutions in 2012. I consider that a dismal failure.

I now will again promise to try harder in this coming year to meet and hopefully exceed my own expectations. As I stand here hanging my head in shame I propose this new list for 2013.

1.   Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half).

2.   Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful.

3.   Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea).

4.   Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.

5.   Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.

6.   Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole  more than twenty times a week.

7.   Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month.

8.   Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow.

9.  Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA).

10.  Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes.

It’s now a wait and see game.  I’ll  post the results again next December and hope for the best.

Posted January 1, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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12-29-2012   2 comments

I’ve always enjoyed the New Years holiday and I’ve partied my fair share over the years.  No pressure for gifts, no family visitors, and no caroling or  boring Christmas  cards.  Just get together, have a few drinks, dance a little, and be hung-over the next day.  Hopefully not waking up in a jail cell or in bed  with someone your not all that familiar with.

I’ve never been a big proponent of making New Year’s resolutions because I honestly never tried keeping them anyway.  It’s just an exercise in futility and just another thing to depress the hell out me when in July I reread the list, swear a few times, and toss it in the can.  The following five resolutions were put together by the US government and a few heath fanatics.  Do they actually think I would take these politically correct items seriously?  They’ve got to be kidding us and themselves.

1. Exercise or start a new physical activity

2. Eat more fresh foods

3. Make your home safer

4. Schedule regular checkups

5. Participate in cognitive health activities

Last year I decided to get more serious and came up with ten realistic resolutions that I might actually have a chance of completing.  As you can see by the following results I wasn’t a total failure but my successes weren’t all that great either. Here they are:

1.   Read four books a month.

COMPLETED – This was any easy one for me but I knew that going in.  I figured I should have at least one I could accomplish without working too hard.

2.   Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.

FAILED – I’m sorry to say this one was much more difficult than I first thought. I blame my complete failure on my better-half who has an uncanny ability to bring  the F-Bombs out of me.

3.   Visit only the  classiest porn sites no more than four times a day.

COMPLETED – Just barely.

4.   Throw the finger at bad drivers no more than three times a week.

COMPLETED – I was especially proud of this accomplishment. There were times when I almost gave in to the dark side, but I hung in there.

5.   Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donut.

FAILED – I never had a chance on this one.  I really don’t consider this a real failure because I suffer from an addiction.  That excuse work’s for almost everyone else so I thought I’d give it a try.

6.   Try not to call my cat a rotten SOB more than three times a day.

FAILED – He continuously baited me for a year to force my failure.  Those damn cats are so sneaky.

7.   Try not to scratch my junk in public more than twice a week.

COMPLETED – I kept it at a once a week level but again it was so damn difficult.  It’s only human nature that if you have toys you play with them. Duh!

8.   Drink less than last year but more than next year.

COMPLETED – I’ll make sure I drink the proper amount next year to make this a success.

9.   Do not smoke marijuana.  Baked in brownies only.

FAILED – Didn’t have it either way and I’m very sad about it.

10. Don’t dance naked near the picture window in the living room.  It scares the neighbors dog.

FAILED – I really don’t like that dog and it was worth a failure here to again frighten and make her crazy.  Damn dog.

I failed five of ten but in all honesty I tried my hardest.  I’ll have my 2013 list completed  soon and I’ll again try to make all of you proud. I hope you do the same and if you’d like to share your upcoming failures, please do so.  I promise not to snicker or laugh. . . . really!

Posted December 30, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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