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12-14-2015 Journal–Christmas Musings!   Leave a comment


Ten shopping days left till the big day arrives. Time always loves playing tricks on us and even more so at this time of the year.  If we’re doing something we really enjoy the time flies by quickly but if it’s something we dislike it seems to drag on forever. That for me is Christmas in a nut shell.  The more tasks that we’re required to complete to celebrate the holiday causes time to speed up in a big way when we don’t think we can finish them all. Then time slows to a dead crawl as we wait for the final day to arrive after the tasks have been completed.

This week for me is all of that and then some. Within a few days the first of the visitors will begin arriving and that’s exciting right up until the time they actually get here. They’re excited as well but that feeling wanes in just a day or so. Then they start missing their regular life and routines and each day that passes makes those feelings grow. That’s when time begins to play it’s tricks.  None of us want the gathering to end so it feels like time is flying but all of us wish it would end to some degree making time drag on a little. It’s a real conundrum.


‘It can’t be Christmas without a skinny Elvis picture.’

Believe me I’m not complaining, it’s just one of those weird facts of life we must deal with and appreciate at the same time.  I’m wishing right now that time would speed up so the festivities can begin. As a family grows and it’s members pursue their individual lives these holidays become more special. In most cases all of the participants make some sort of sacrifice to gather like this. We all need to acknowledge that fact and truly try to appreciate each other’s efforts. 

I’m lying here in bed, it’s 5 am, and I’m already excited to get today started but this effing waiting is brutal. My tasks are completed but the better-half is racing around the house in a swirl of wrapping paper, ribbons, and rolls of tape.  It’s actually fun to watch her but I’d better not be enjoying myself too much or there’ll be hell to pay.


12-29-2012   2 comments

I’ve always enjoyed the New Years holiday and I’ve partied my fair share over the years.  No pressure for gifts, no family visitors, and no caroling or  boring Christmas  cards.  Just get together, have a few drinks, dance a little, and be hung-over the next day.  Hopefully not waking up in a jail cell or in bed  with someone your not all that familiar with.

I’ve never been a big proponent of making New Year’s resolutions because I honestly never tried keeping them anyway.  It’s just an exercise in futility and just another thing to depress the hell out me when in July I reread the list, swear a few times, and toss it in the can.  The following five resolutions were put together by the US government and a few heath fanatics.  Do they actually think I would take these politically correct items seriously?  They’ve got to be kidding us and themselves.

1. Exercise or start a new physical activity

2. Eat more fresh foods

3. Make your home safer

4. Schedule regular checkups

5. Participate in cognitive health activities

Last year I decided to get more serious and came up with ten realistic resolutions that I might actually have a chance of completing.  As you can see by the following results I wasn’t a total failure but my successes weren’t all that great either. Here they are:

1.   Read four books a month.

COMPLETED – This was any easy one for me but I knew that going in.  I figured I should have at least one I could accomplish without working too hard.

2.   Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.

FAILED – I’m sorry to say this one was much more difficult than I first thought. I blame my complete failure on my better-half who has an uncanny ability to bring  the F-Bombs out of me.

3.   Visit only the  classiest porn sites no more than four times a day.

COMPLETED – Just barely.

4.   Throw the finger at bad drivers no more than three times a week.

COMPLETED – I was especially proud of this accomplishment. There were times when I almost gave in to the dark side, but I hung in there.

5.   Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donut.

FAILED – I never had a chance on this one.  I really don’t consider this a real failure because I suffer from an addiction.  That excuse work’s for almost everyone else so I thought I’d give it a try.

6.   Try not to call my cat a rotten SOB more than three times a day.

FAILED – He continuously baited me for a year to force my failure.  Those damn cats are so sneaky.

7.   Try not to scratch my junk in public more than twice a week.

COMPLETED – I kept it at a once a week level but again it was so damn difficult.  It’s only human nature that if you have toys you play with them. Duh!

8.   Drink less than last year but more than next year.

COMPLETED – I’ll make sure I drink the proper amount next year to make this a success.

9.   Do not smoke marijuana.  Baked in brownies only.

FAILED – Didn’t have it either way and I’m very sad about it.

10. Don’t dance naked near the picture window in the living room.  It scares the neighbors dog.

FAILED – I really don’t like that dog and it was worth a failure here to again frighten and make her crazy.  Damn dog.

I failed five of ten but in all honesty I tried my hardest.  I’ll have my 2013 list completed  soon and I’ll again try to make all of you proud. I hope you do the same and if you’d like to share your upcoming failures, please do so.  I promise not to snicker or laugh. . . . really!

Posted December 30, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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11-24-2012   1 comment

They’ll be no more mentions of Thanksgiving and related food topics.  I’ve eaten enough turkey, turkey pies, turkey soup, and turkey sandwiches for this year. It’s onward and upward to the next step on the stairway to 2013.  My better-half and I have begun planning another of our annual holiday visits to faraway family members.  Since my mom passed this year a trip to western Pennsylvania won’t be happening.  Instead we’ll be on our way to the state of Maryland for a birthday bash/holiday visit for my better-half’s mom who is turning eighty.  Her many siblings and their spouses, partners, and significant others will also be in attendance for the festivities.  I’m not at all thrilled about traveling during the Christmas season because it seems every time we do something bad happens.  In years past I’ve had two near-death experiences in unexpected blizzards where we played bumper cars in the snow.  I’m beginning to appreciate all of those years I lived in Pennsylvania and was within driving distance of most of my  relatives.

My better-half has been in great spirits for the last few days and I suspect she’s suffering from Pre-Vacation Silliness Syndrome.  She has a vacation scheduled to start in fours days but mentally she’s already checked out.  Combining that with her never ending Christmas cheer might be enough to drive me “over the edge”. How would you like to drive for eight and a half hours through possible snowy conditions with a tone deal Christmas elf singing carols in your ear.  I hope her sister and brother-in-law have a good supply of alcoholic refreshments chilled and waiting my arrival. I’m going to try my best to hide those stupid red antlers she soooo loves to wear because I just know the first police officer that sees her in that outfit will most  likely what me to stop and chat so he can smell my breath. I hope and pray the weather cooperates and we get there and back without incident.

Now for some new business.  I received a message from Matthew Ryan at A Toast to Dragons nominating me for the coveted and spectacular, Very Inspiring Blog Award.  As part of my acceptance I ‘m told I need to list 15 of my favorite blogs.  Since I ‘m a very discerning reader fifteen is out of the question.  Here are five in addition to Matt that I read religiously.  For sweetness and poetry – Don’t Quote Lily, for sexy – Snarky Snatch, for our military – Brain Rants, and for an Australian perspective – Polly Woffle.  I have one last blog that I’ve read for years even though the blogger passed away in 2006.  His family maintains the blog and it’s archives and I still visit it every chance I get.  Go to Gut Rumbles as written by the late great Rob “Acidman” Smith.  He’s the only reason I’m blogging today.  Any one of these blogs is well worth your time.

I’d like to continue this but I’ve been assigned repair duties today.  Fix the kitchen light, put out the Christmas flag, take down the screens, and blah blah blah.  Just another day in this paradise that is my life.  Tomorrow is another day.

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