Archive for the ‘new year’ Tag
I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:
Sexual Misfortunes
Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,
Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.
As they made their way back,
A crazed sex maniac
Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.
🍷🍷🍷
An unfortunate sailor name Bates,
Had performed the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Had rendered him nutless
And, well – virtually useless on dates!
🍆🍆🍆
A nudist, named Roger McPeet,
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.
Till, one chilly December,
He froze his poor member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
🍩🍩🍩
Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But more the dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.
🍆🍩🍆
What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.
❤️
When Lazarus came back from the dead,
He still couldn’t function in bed.
“What good’s Resurrection
Without an erection?”
Old Lazarus testily said.
AMEN TO THAT
Like this:
Like Loading...
These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!
I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
- Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
- Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)
💥💥💥
- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
💥💥💥
There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Drive Safe
Like this:
Like Loading...
Another year of pandemic, bad economy, fake news from the media, bad this and bad that. I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted by it all. We can’t seem to trust anyone anymore about anything. I hope we don’t follow in the footsteps of our European allies. If the pandemic doesn’t kill them fast enough, they may start killing each other as they’ve done so often in the past. We don’t want to be dragged down that rabbit-hole again for any reason.
I’ve been hearing about how terrible the economy is all year and how those whiny retailers just never seem to have a good Christmas shopping season. Headlines like “Christmas Sales Fail to Meet Expectations” are the same every year it seems. Fortunately, this year a lot of that Black Friday nonsense before Thanksgiving didn’t happen and probably saved many people from being injured trying to get a big-screen TV into their shopping cart at Walmart.
It’s no wonder the people in this country are depressed after more than two years of the pandemic, mainstream media ranting and raving about every little thing, and presidential doom and gloom from Trump to Biden. We been beaten to our knees with a constant barrage of misinformation, innuendo, and outright lies.
I normally have a great deal of optimism for the future but that’s only true if the up-and-coming younger voters start looking and listening carefully at what they’re being told in the schools, universities, and everywhere else. They must learn the hard way how to teach themselves to recognize the truth when they see it and the lies when they hear them. Politics is an ugly game and has little or no mercy on the uninformed.
Things may not be great but it’s not the end of the world. It’s politicians attempting to propagandize the populace with crisis after crisis so we’ll throw the bums out and vote the other bums in. The pandemic is just one more thing in a long list of topics where we can’t rely on anyone to give us the whole truth. It’s an old and vicious game and we the voters continue to stick our heads in the sand and condone it year after year. Shame on us and shame on those responsible.
So much for the end of 2021. Good-bye and good riddance. I can only hope that things improve this coming year but don’t expect those irresponsible politicians, reporters, pundits, professors, and high school teachers to keep you and yours up to date with true facts. Read, research, ask the questions that need to be asked, and remain skeptical. It’s your duty as an American citizen to question your government, don’t hesitate. We can only hope 2022 will show some improvement and I think it will, if we don’t spend all of our time fighting amongst ourselves. If that continues, we’re all screwed.
Every Useless Thing will return on January 2, 2022.
GOODBYE 2021, WELCOME 2022
Like this:
Like Loading...
‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’
How is your holiday season progressing? Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures? All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical.
The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today. I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud. After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of. You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!
Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:
Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well. I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait. At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:
I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.
Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body. I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.
‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’
I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.
I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.
Like this:
Like Loading...
It’s finally time for me to step up and put in writing the things I’m pledging to do at some time in 2014. I tried to keep these resolutions as reasonable as possible so I at least have a chance to live up to them. Here they are.
1. Read five books a month.
2. Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking.
3. Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.
4. Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year.
5. Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month).
6. Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors if their complaints mean anything at all.
7. Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life.
I could have listed a few more but why set myself up for complete and utter failure. I did that last year and I should be learning from my past mistakes, you’d think.
* * *
I tried to convince my better-half to give me her list for 2014 but I ran into a brick wall. She appears to be a believer of never putting anything in writing regardless of who makes the request. I even tried intimidating her a little. I attempted to make her comply by threatening to post a few crazy resolutions and tell the world they came from her. I won’t repeat her reply since I do try to keep this blog at a PG rating. I admit she has a pretty effective way of intimidating me and that will also stay a deep and dark secret.
AHHHHH ANOTHER NEW YEAR HERE IN PARADISE.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.
Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t. Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.
-
I will do my homework in time.
-
I will sleep in time.
-
I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
-
I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
-
I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
-
I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
-
I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
-
I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
-
I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!
You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it. I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.
1. This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
2. I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
3. This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.
4. I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.
Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013. I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them. Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors. FAILED
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week. FAILED
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week. FAILED
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED
It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes may be required. See what you think about these.
(Draft Only)
1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.
2. Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).
3. Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).
4. Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.
5. Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.
6. Start smoking to lose weight.
7. Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.
8. Buy larger clothes.
9. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.
10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though, it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year. It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have. Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Happy New Year everyone. My best laid plans for our New Years celebration was only semi-successful. We had a few friends over early in the evening for drinks and few yucks. They had children at home looking to celebrate the New Year and needed to be there to supervise, so they left a little early. It was nice for a couple of hours to kick back and relax with some friendly faces. The get-together broke up early and my better-half immediately reheated the Chinese food she’d obtained earlier in the day and as always it was yummy and really filling.
I never planned on staying awake for the standard TV celebrations but my better-half insisted she was going to bring the New Year in properly by watching the ball drop with her favorite male fantasy figure, Ryan Seacrest. I retired to the bedroom to continue my readings on Harry Potter. I just finished book #6 and I was really getting excited about finishing the final volume over the next week or so. The story has slowly evolved from a kid’s story into a rather interesting novel. I’m glad I decided to hang in there and read them all.
It was 10:00 pm and I was really getting into the book when my half asleep better-half stumbled into the room, jumped into bed, and mumbled something about waking up just before midnight. I knew she was just kidding herself but I played along. It was lights out at 10:30 and no one woke up for the ball drop (sorry Ryan). We both slept straight through the night and wished each other a happy New Year around eight the next morning. I don’t care what anyone says, it was an excellent way to celebrate the end of 2012.
After a nice breakfast of twice reheated Chinese food with an egg on top we grabbed our cameras and hit the road. We had quite a lot of snow on the roads but we decided to explore some of the more rural areas looking for those elusive Kodak moments. It was cold and crisp and some of the snow scenes we shot were spectacular. Horse farms with horses in the snow, giant pine trees nearly bent over with the snow on their branches. This was the perfect way to spend a New Years Day.
After fifty or sixty miles and over a hundred photos later we returned home to get warm and to prepare a luscious pork roast dinner with sides of sauerkraut and mashed potatoes. We ended the day snuggled up on the couch watching a movie and looking at the days photo’s. Pretty damn nice if I do say so myself.
I can only hope that all of you enjoyed your day half as much as we enjoyed ours. Bring on 2013.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Last year at this time I decided to really and truly live up to and complete a list of ten New Year’s resolutions. Being the serious person that I am (no laughter please), I thought that if I created a more realistic list of things I just might accomplish them. If you read this blog recently you discovered that I successfully completed only five of my ten resolutions in 2012. I consider that a dismal failure.
I now will again promise to try harder in this coming year to meet and hopefully exceed my own expectations. As I stand here hanging my head in shame I propose this new list for 2013.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half).
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful.
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea).
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week.
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month.
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow.
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA).
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes.
It’s now a wait and see game. I’ll post the results again next December and hope for the best.
Like this:
Like Loading...
I’ve always enjoyed the New Years holiday and I’ve partied my fair share over the years. No pressure for gifts, no family visitors, and no caroling or boring Christmas cards. Just get together, have a few drinks, dance a little, and be hung-over the next day. Hopefully not waking up in a jail cell or in bed with someone your not all that familiar with.
I’ve never been a big proponent of making New Year’s resolutions because I honestly never tried keeping them anyway. It’s just an exercise in futility and just another thing to depress the hell out me when in July I reread the list, swear a few times, and toss it in the can. The following five resolutions were put together by the US government and a few heath fanatics. Do they actually think I would take these politically correct items seriously? They’ve got to be kidding us and themselves.
1. Exercise or start a new physical activity
2. Eat more fresh foods
3. Make your home safer
4. Schedule regular checkups
5. Participate in cognitive health activities
Last year I decided to get more serious and came up with ten realistic resolutions that I might actually have a chance of completing. As you can see by the following results I wasn’t a total failure but my successes weren’t all that great either. Here they are:
1. Read four books a month.
COMPLETED – This was any easy one for me but I knew that going in. I figured I should have at least one I could accomplish without working too hard.
2. Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.
FAILED – I’m sorry to say this one was much more difficult than I first thought. I blame my complete failure on my better-half who has an uncanny ability to bring the F-Bombs out of me.
3. Visit only the classiest porn sites no more than four times a day.
COMPLETED – Just barely.
4. Throw the finger at bad drivers no more than three times a week.
COMPLETED – I was especially proud of this accomplishment. There were times when I almost gave in to the dark side, but I hung in there.
5. Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donut.
FAILED – I never had a chance on this one. I really don’t consider this a real failure because I suffer from an addiction. That excuse work’s for almost everyone else so I thought I’d give it a try.
6. Try not to call my cat a rotten SOB more than three times a day.
FAILED – He continuously baited me for a year to force my failure. Those damn cats are so sneaky.
7. Try not to scratch my junk in public more than twice a week.
COMPLETED – I kept it at a once a week level but again it was so damn difficult. It’s only human nature that if you have toys you play with them. Duh!
8. Drink less than last year but more than next year.
COMPLETED – I’ll make sure I drink the proper amount next year to make this a success.
9. Do not smoke marijuana. Baked in brownies only.
FAILED – Didn’t have it either way and I’m very sad about it.
10. Don’t dance naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors dog.
FAILED – I really don’t like that dog and it was worth a failure here to again frighten and make her crazy. Damn dog.
I failed five of ten but in all honesty I tried my hardest. I’ll have my 2013 list completed soon and I’ll again try to make all of you proud. I hope you do the same and if you’d like to share your upcoming failures, please do so. I promise not to snicker or laugh. . . . really!
Like this:
Like Loading...
everyuselessthing.com 