02-07-2013   1 comment

Another "Storm of the Century" is upon us and since this is the third one in the last twelve months I guess we should all be hiding in the root cellar (if we had one). Weather forecasters in Maine don’t do much more than repeat whatever is relayed from the National Weather Service and then hope for the best. Maine is so lame at times they look for any excuse to exaggerate the facts and use all the panic inducing buzz words to scare the crap out of the uninformed.

Having lived in Maine for more than ten years I thought there could be no surprises left for me. I’m able to translate their weather speech almost immediately and then go on about my business. Unfortunately I underestimated them again.

My better-half arrived home from work and immediately began explaining to me the grand weather controversy being discussed by the local media.  They seemed to be all pissed off that the National Weather Service has begun naming large snow storms as they do for hurricanes.  Maine is such an important place in the grand scheme of things (sarcasm) that they feel they should be permitted to name their own storms. I hate to even think what those names might be. Something really sophisticated yet down to earth (more sarcasm) like Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John.  They may be right in their thinking however because who in their right mind would name a storm Nemo? Only the all seeing, godlike government of the United States could be that lame.

After giving it some thought my better-half and I decided that the so-called Maine weather experts really shouldn’t be permitted to name them either.  So effective immediately this “Storm of the Century” will be named by the two of us. Let’s just call him JOHNSON.  Read into that what you will you bunch of perverts.  We ended this terrible controversy in less than two minutes with no help from either the government or the state of Maine’s weather idiots. Come on JOHNSON.

Now on to something really important. I had to go to the dentist today.  A trip to the dentist for me is always an adventure since the age of 13 when playing sand lot football my best friend knocked most of my front teeth out.  That required two bridges and a few false teeth which have plagued me ever since.  My mouth is similar to having a old car and it requires much more maintenance. I could have bought at least three new cars over the years with what I spent on dental work.   My dentist’s office is a family concern with my dentist the father, the hygienist is his ex-wife, and the dental assistant/receptionist is their daughter. Over the years I’ve become good friends with them all and it’s been a real hoot but the bottom line never changes. As nice as they all are I still hate going to the effing dentist. 

After injecting me with enough Novocain to keep my face numb for a week he proceeds to do what I hate the most, drilling my teeth.  The sound of that high-speed drill makes my skin crawl and if I never heard it again it would be too damn soon. Also if he honestly thinks that shooting cold water down my throat is helping me breathe he’s very much mistaken. Not only is my face numb but I think he’s subconsciously trying to drown me.

After a few kind words and a pat on the head I was escorted to the door, given a new tooth brush, and my next appointment date.  Thanks for nothing Doc.  I drove straight to the closest Dunkin Donut where I ordered a hot coffee and a sandwich. As I left their parking lot I took a quick bite of the sandwich and that was mistake number one.  My mouth was still so numb I almost bit off the end of my tongue. I was forced to pullover to compose myself and check for damage. A few miles and a few dozen curse words later I opened the coffee container, took a giant swig, and burned the shit out of my mouth and tongue.  I also scorched my crotch a bit when I spilled the coffee there too.  I finally arrived home, sat down in a nice soft chair and refused to eat or drink anything until the feeling returned to my mouth and tongue. 

How can people think storm JOHNSON is the big deal. It’s all about me and my trip to the dentist.  People are so self-involved at times.

One response to “02-07-2013

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  1. I’m sure there is an attorny up there who would be glad to sue Dunkin, The dentist, his ex wife and the novocain maker. Good luck.

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