Archive for the ‘weather’ Tag

09-14-2016 Journal – Mother Nature & Dentistry!   Leave a comment

Since our return from our vacation things have quickly returned to the normal everyday insanity. Over the years I’ve discovered that Mother Nature is a fickle friend at best and she got me again this week. We were still enjoying the post vacation afterglow as we visited a nearby Walmart. It was sunny and bright with a chance of thunderstorms. As we exited the store it was pouring rain with wind gusts of 30-40 mph.  We didn’t give it much thought until we heard on the radio about the severe wind advisory throughout the area.

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We arrived home to find the huge 60 foot maple tree in our backyard down for the count. It had missed hitting the house by only a few feet. It was a double trunked tree with one trunk now on the ground and the other still standing but leaning dangerously close to the house.  It was badly damaged as well and looked as if it might fall at any moment.

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The trunk that was down was partially blocking a nearby road used by our neighbors to reach their homes.  One of those neighbors arrived within minutes with a chain saw and agreed to take the wood in payment for cleaning up the mess. Hooray . . Right?  Not hardly. After doing an inspection of the standing trunk it was obvious that it too had to be immediately removed before it fell and caused serious damage to the house.

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The better-half found a guy through someone at work who is a tree removal expert.  Having no real choice in the matter he arrived to inspect the tree and I agreed to his price (OMFG) and told him to proceed.  So yesterday I got to spend my entire day removing limbs and leaves and watching the tree get dismantled.

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It’s now the day after and the tree is gone, I’m sore all over, and the house was saved from serious damage.  Nothing can save the damage the entire experience did to my wallet.  Thanks a lot Mother Nature . . . you nasty old hag.

After the last of the limbs and leaves were picked up and removed I took a shower and arrived for my dentist appointment right on time. The day just kept getting better and better as two of my teeth were extracted.  I was packed with gauze, patted on the head, and sent on my way.

THREE DAYS I REALLY WANT TO FORGET

06-09-2016 Journal–June Garden Update!   Leave a comment

Even though June has barely started I thought an garden update was in order. The warmer weather for the last few weeks has brought everything to life in a big way.  Due to the efforts of my better-half we have flowers blooming everywhere.

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The gardens in the yard are filled with irises as you can see. we’ve planted them every where and this is the first year we get to see them in all their glory.

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Just three years ago this rhododendron was one foot tall and looking poorly. We transplanted it to this spot and here is the results of our efforts.

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One of the better-half’s passions is to have as much color in as many places as possible.  That of course includes the deck.  We get to walk through all of these flowers on our way to the table to have our morning coffee. How great is that?

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It’s things like this that help us Mainers wipe away memories of sleet, ice,  snow, and our six month’s of winter.  It’s worth waiting for. Here’s my recent photo of the vegetable and herb garden as compared with one taken in May.  The changes as we move forward will become more and more obvious.

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‘May’

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‘June’

04-26-2016 Journal – Rainy Day Sexual Trivia!   Leave a comment

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It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. While I dislike these kinds of days they do serve a useful purpose.  They force me to stay inside out of the weather and to find other interesting things to do.  One thing that remains interesting regardless of the weather is SEX.  Sex is almost never boring (unless you know the girls from my high school class) who made sex not just boring but difficult to obtain.  It’s with them in mind that I offer up a collection of sexual facts and trivia to amuse you. Let’s get started . . .

  • The condom is said to be named after the Earl of Condom, a British physician at the court of Charles II who was asked by the king to design him something to keep him from developing syphilis. The oiled sheep intestine was a big hit.
  • Humans aren’t the only species that partake in oral sex; cheetahs, hyenas, and goats all go down too.
  • In 2000, the Mississippi state legislature introduced a bill to make it illegal for a male customer to have an erection at a strip club even if he is fully dressed.
  • The sperm of a mouse is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
  • Slang for “prostitute” in Victorian times was “blowsy” and slang for “ejaculation” was “blow,” leading to the current phrase “blow job.” In ancient Greece, a blow job was called “playing the flute.”

Oiled sheep intestines . . . YUCK. I’ll bet the donating sheep weren’t too happy either.

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  • Of all the primates, man has the largest penis. The gorilla has a two-inch penis, while the chimpanzee’s is three inches. The blue whale has the largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet.
  • In 2003, a Texas man woke up from bladder surgery to discover that doctors had removed his penis without his permission.
  • For most men, the left testicle hangs lower—but in some men, most commonly left-handed men, the right one hangs lower.
  • Married people are more likely to masturbate than people living alone, according to the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS).
  • President Lyndon B. Johnson referred to his penis as “Jumbo.”

He may have been President but even “Jumbo” Johnson can’t hold a candle to that blue whale’s eleven foot penis.

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‘Head to Toe’

  • Exhaustive research published by Johnson & Johnson found that the average time between penetration and male orgasm is 7.3 minutes – this involved 1,587 couples having stopwatch-timed sex.
  • The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  • When men of Australia’s Walibri tribe greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands.
  • Upper Paleolithic art dating back 30,000 years depicts people using dildos to pleasure themselves and others. That means mankind invented sex toys long before the wheel.
  • The average number of times a healthy male will ejaculate in a lifetime is 7,200. Of this number, approximately 2,000 times will result from masturbation.

Thirty thousand year old dildoes.  No wonder the women of that time are pictured with huge muscular arms . . . no batteries available . . . So Sad!

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  • A teaspoon of semen contains 5 calories. A sperm takes one hour to swim seven inches.
  • Men do not need to be sexually aroused to have an erection. Erections can occur if a man is frightened, nervous, or has a full bladder. It’s normal for a man to have several erections during the dream phrase of sleep.
  • Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy receiving and giving oral sex.
  • The average man has 11 erections per day and 9 erections a night.

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And here’s an interesting theory on everyone’s favorite word.  The big F-Bomb. It’s been around almost as long as those thirty thousand year old dildoes.

  • Contrary to popular opinion, the word “fuck” is not an acronym for the phrase “Fornication Under Command of the King.” It is a very old word that is hard to trace because the editors of the initial Oxford English Dictionary considered the word taboo in 1893. It may have a Scandinavian origin, similar to the Norwegian word fukka, meaning to “copulate,” or the Swedish foka, meaning “to copulate, strike, push,” orfock, meaning “penis.”

SEX . . . YEAH !!!

03-31-2016 Journal – Sake & a Sexy Movie!   Leave a comment

I’m still in Maine complaining about the weather which has once again trapped me in the house for a good portion of the day.  Now I hear there’s a possibility of another snow storm this weekend, hopefully the last one this season.  Mother Nature is hanging on for dear life like she always does. I don’t understand why continue to complain. I guess not being able to control everything irritates me a little.

Some of you have asked in your emails about making Sake. It’s a fairly simple recipe that’s available by email for anyone interested.  My batch has been moved from the primary fermenter where it’s been for ten days. The yeast has eaten all of the sugar and the Sake should have approximately 15% alcohol content upon completion.  As you can see the wine looks like milk.  Yes, that’s how it’s supposed to look.  As the fermentation stops and the yeast begins to settle the wine will become crystal clear.  These jugs should supply me with fifteen 750ml bottles of Sake or 30-375ml half bottles.

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I’m been trying to finish up a second design this week which has become my homage to Amy Winehouse. I’ll post a photo when it’s complete but it might be a little difficult to show all of the details due to it’s size.  We’ll see.

I’ve been watching more movies of late as I wait for Spring to really arrive. Last night the better-half and I watched what they (Netflix) are calling a dark comedy. The movie was ‘Bad Roomies’ and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The cast members were virtual unknowns which more times than not makes for a decent movie.  This movie was funny and sexy with one of the hottest women I’ve seen in a while.  The better-half was disappointed because there were no unicorns and rainbows anywhere in the entire film.  I felt bad for her but for me it was a fun hour and a half that had me laughing a lot even after offering up a dead body at the end. 

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Well I’d love to chat a while longer but demands of the better-half come first. We’re having a small get-together tonight  and they are chores to be done. Fortunately for me I’ve stocked up on plenty of wine to help sweeten my mingling skills. From what everyone tells me, they need all the help they can get.

C’MON SPRING – WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

03-27-2016 Journal – Easter?   Leave a comment

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‘Religious & Silly?’

Well with another  Easter finally here we should be that much closer to warmer temperatures. Having a bright sunny day just isn’t enough when the temperatures remain at or below freezing. That’s just another of Mother Nature’s teases but there’s only one way I like to be teased and this isn’t it.

It’s 10:30 am and I’ve yet to move from my bed.  The better-half and I have been playing a vicious game of "Words With  Friends" which I hate to admit I just lost by one effing point. Starting my day without kicking her butt may be a bad omen for the rest of my Easter Sunday. I know I’ll be hearing about this win all day.

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‘Religious & Badass??’

It’s another chilling and gray day that’ll keep me from getting anything done outside. I refuse to be cold and miserable while doing all of those boring little chores  that need to be completed.  When the sun finally decides to come out then so will I.  I was forbidden by my better-half from saying that “When the sun has risen . . then so will I”. She felt that would be rude to all of you religious folks out there.  I disagree somewhat because almost all of the religious people I know are permitted a sense-of-humor.  Hers has yet to be fully developed but “I pray” it will someday. 

We celebrated Easter yesterday along with the one year birthday of our grandson.  It was a fun party with lots of cake and presents but it also allowed us to have a quiet day today. We’re looking forward to a couple of steaks cooked on the grill tonight along with a bottle of blueberry Mead I’ve been saving for a special occasion. 

Easter for me has no religious connotation but I know it does for my better-half. As with most things having a good stiff drink always helps me feel a little more religious (she won’t think that’s too funny either).

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‘Religious & Intergalactic’

I’ll get this posted in the next few minutes and then spend the remainder of the day working on a pencil sketch that’s captured my interest this week. I hope all of you are enjoying your holiday with your families. Religious or not. 

SORRY I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING RELIGIOUS ABOUT AN EASTER BUNNY

JUST SAYING LOVEY!

03-23-2016 Journal– Some Dirty Humor!   Leave a comment

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Today is what will probably turn into a do-nothing, boring, day of reading, and not much else.  We’re still caught in between seasons here in Maine which means the weather is all screwed up and annoying. The snowfall from our recent storm is 90% gone but it’s still awfully cold at night. It’s just cold enough to require heavy clothing that makes you begin to sweat as soon as you put it on. Then you remove it to cool down, get cold, and put the clothing back on and sweat some more. It’s no wonder everyone seems to be suffering either from colds or any one of many flu viruses that seem to be going around.

I’ve spent the last few days at home and only leaving the house for wine or food emergencies. All that means is if I’m short on wine and my favorite foods I will brave the cold and crappy weather regardless. Minor errands or stupid shopping forays are not what I consider an emergency no matter what my better-half tells me.

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While I’m thinking about that here are a few dirty jokes to brighten your day. We’ll start with a bar joke. Everyone loves a good and dirty bar joke.

  • A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Having worked for a few retail companies over the years I thought a little retail humor was warranted. I looked for years trying to find a salesman like this.

  • A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’"

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This joke goes a long way to explain how long term marriages seem to work.

  • Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids….."

You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? This little list makes one think, and may put things in perspective:

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 $ 9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon
Pepto-Bismol 4 oz $3.85 $123.20 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 $178.13 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER . . .
Evian water 9 oz $1.49 $21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 FOR WATER! . . . and most buyers don’t even
know the source. But then again "EVIAN" spelled
backwards is "Naïve."

HAVE A GREAT DAY

02-26-2016 Journal–Turkeys, Art & a Dirty Joke!   Leave a comment

This winter weather here in Maine remains fickle. Fifty degrees one day, then fog the next, ten degrees the third day, and freezing rain and black ice the next.  I’ve pretty much given up listening the the forecasters because they apparently don’t have much of a clue either.

With February almost gone we’re within six weeks or so from seeing winter start to fade away.  Overall it’s been one of the better winters since I moved to Maine. Temperatures were mild up until Christmas and we’ve only had one snow storm worth mentioning.  Without a doubt the best part is how much money we’ve saved on home heating oil.  Warmer temperatures and a serious drop in price from $3.40 a gallon to a $1.35 have kept a smile on our faces all winter.  We’ll probably end up saving between five and eight hundred dollars in heating costs this season.

We took a ride through the surrounding area last week just to see what was happening.  As always here in Maine we stumbled on wild turkeys a number of times.  With most of the snow cover already melting they’re able to feed in more locations than usual.  Here they are . . .

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Maybe they’re the true harbingers of Spring and not that dumbass gopher in Pennsylvania.

With the rediscovery of my creative juices I’ve been working on two projects steadily for the last week.  I’ve finished one and in another few days I’ll finish another.  I won’t post too much of either until they’re both complete.  Here’s a shot of a two square inch portion of the first. It’s a little strange but that’s how I roll.

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Just for a laugh I thought I’d send out a truly tasteless joke.  It made me laugh out loud for some reason but it’s sure to irritate a few of the ladies out there. That’s too bad . . . but here it is anyway.

A women went to apply for a job as a truck driver. Not too keen on the idea, the personnel manager for the trucking company said, “You have to be pretty tough to cut it as a truck driver, you know.”  I’m tough, I really am,” said the eager applicant. “Well, do you smoke and drink?” “Yes of course.” “Do you cuss a lot?” asked the interviewer. “You bet you asshole, “ said the woman. “I cuss like a lumberjack.” “So have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”  “Well, no,” she admitted, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”

Please no moaning . . . everyone needs a dirty joke once in a while even if it is a little corny.

C’MON SPRING

01-26-2016 Journal – January Thaw?   Leave a comment

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I’ve been hearing weather rumors that we might be getting a few days of warmer temperatures.  I hope it’s true because being housebound is starting to make me crazier than usual. My better-half and I have been out a few times just to run errands but it’s been too cold to take those long walks on the beach or in the woods that we like so much.

After just a few weeks of freezing temps the house is already covered in ice and the build-up on the eaves has begun.  If we’re lucky this warm-up might just be enough to get the ice melting and dropping to the ground. As you can see by these photo’s there is ice hanging everywhere.

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The snow hasn’t melted off much yet and a few inches still remain.  From the amount of tracks in our backyard there appears to be quite an assortment of wildlife roaming around after dark. Some of the tracks are a little unusual making me wonder exactly what I’ve been missing.  Maybe we have a Bigfoot or two hiding in the woods or just one helluva big dog, bear, or deer. Who knows?

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If the weather gods agree I  hope to get back into the woods for a few hours this week.  Since the snow is only a few inches deep it won’t be necessary to unpack the snow shoes from storage. There always seems to be plenty of interesting things to photograph at this time of the year and some hearty wildlife to chase around for an hour or two.

We’re about three months from getting back outside to begin some of the garden preparations prior to planting. This winter has sped by so fast and Spring will be here before we know it. Then it will be back to work.

CAN’T WAIT!

1-11-2016 Journal – Sunshine, Snow, Rain!   Leave a comment

What a strange few weeks it’s been once again. Another weather related fiasco to thoroughly screw up our anticipated cold and snowy winter.  First we had warm weather through most of November and December, then two weeks of really cold weather with an 8 inch snowfall, and finally three and a half inches of rain this week  This photo was taken yesterday as our backyard quickly filled up with more than three and a half feet of water on top of the snow. 

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I should be thanking my lucky stars that this rainstorm was not snow. If it had been there’d be more than three feet of snow to deal with.  I guess just this once I can be happy with the weather forecasters being correct.  This morning I jumped out of bed and looked out the window to check the water level and this is what I saw.

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All of the snow from the last storm had been thoroughly washed away but the snow that had been underwater through the night remained intact. It really doesn’t mean much but I thought it was kind of interesting.

With all of this rain I’m once again stuck in the house where I’m trying to keep busy with projects.  Most of the Christmas paraphernalia has been sorted through, repackaged into containers, and returned to the attic for another year.  Fortunately my better-half was able to fill quite a few boxes with items either damaged or out of date.  Each year we’re slowly but surely weeding out the useless stuff giving her more room to store more new useless stuff. It’s what I call her “Circle of Life".

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I began sorting through my Christmas gifts which were all pretty cool but yesterday I found some that were outstanding. Two of our friends who love making homemade foods like we do gave us some of their samples.  We received four jars  with some truly interesting flavors. I’m always preaching about doing things outside-the-box and they did it in a big way. There was Hot Tamale Apple Wedges, Orange/Blueberry jam, Strawberry Vanilla jam, and best of all for me Zucchini/Habanero jam.

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I love all things hot and have experimented a few times in making jams with some elevated heat levels. My best efforts couldn’t come close to matching up to that Zucchini/Habanero jam. I ate 1/3 of the jar on two toasted English muffins and it was the best damn hot jam I’ve ever eaten.  Our friends have definitely motivated me to try again and I will.  I’ll certainly need something to give them next Christmas and I want it to be as good as I can make it.

12-30-2015 Journal–Winter is Finally Here!   Leave a comment

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I was just getting readjusted to my so-called normal life after the Christmas insanity ended and was really hoping for some quiet downtime. Oh how stupid I must be.  It just never seems to work out the way I plan.  All of the unseasonably warm weather abruptly ended yesterday with a beautiful yet annoying snow storm.

Yesterday was spent getting up close and personal with my snowblower once again. The final snow amounts have yet to be determined since it’s still snowing but my better-half shoveled at least five inches off the deck last night so the total will be a bit more than that.

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Today will be spent looking out the window while our last holiday visitor tries to make travel arrangements to get out of here. It appears he’ll be taking a short bus ride to Boston, staying there for a day, and then a flight back to Los Angeles.  I have a feeling he’ll be really happy about getting back to the surf and sun of California.

We’re planning on a reasonably quiet night for our New Years celebration with Chinese takeout and hopefully a movie or two.  I’m sure my better-half is already having day dreams of watching all of the vacuous celebrities strutting their stuff in New York.  Watching the ball drop with her is for me is much like getting a root canal without anesthesia. I’m hoping she’ll come to her senses but I’ve been hoping for that for years and I’m still waiting.

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So I’ll just sit around today waiting for the snow to get deep enough to require me to fire up the snowblower. I suppose the remainder of the day can be spent reading, painting, or possibly even napping. Since the house is still filled with every kind of cake, cookie, and candy you can possibly think of, I need to stay busy and away from all the junk food.

Enjoy your New Year’s  celebration but be smart about it.  Don’t drink and drive.  Find a boring sober friend and give him your keys.

HAPPY 2016

P.S.  Good news! We made it through the first snow storm without the snowplow operators destroying our mailbox.  Maybe that’s a sign from God or just dumb luck.