09-29-2013   Leave a comment

If you count my years as a police officer, my time in retail investigations, and seven years working in an assortment of state jails and courthouses, you’d think I’ve seen and heard just about everything.  If you thought that you’d be right.  Those facilities offer up a list of experiences that most people would never experience or want to.  People give me strange looks at times and really have a hard time believing some of those stories.  Odd, weird, and unusual are everyday occurrences there whether they like to believe it or not.

I spent seven years, five days a week sitting in courtrooms and listening to testimony and statement by attorneys that were stupid, funny, and pitiful all at the same time.  For the most part the judges were just highly paid referees between the attorneys and their ever so stupid defendants and witnesses.

These items were actual statements made under oath and recorded by court reporters.  It’s a small sampling of how our criminal justice system really works.

* * *

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

* * *

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

* * *

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

* * *

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

* * *

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

* * *

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * *

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

* * *

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

* * *

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy."
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

* * *

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

* * *

I really can’t explain to you the look on some of the defendant’s faces when they hear some of the questions their own attorneys ask.  It doesn’t fill them with confidence that their court appointed attorney has no clue about what’s going on.  The attorneys seem speechless at times when they hear their own clients testimony.  I found my jaw dropping on many occasions when a defendant said just enough to convince the jury he was an idiot and a guilty one at that.

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