09-28-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve decided today will be all about our very first visit from the Good Humor Man.  If I dare write about politics or religion I almost always piss someone off including myself at times. With the country’s current list of ugly situations such as a confused president, a borderline bad economy, illegal immigration issues, constant threats of war, our eroding inalienable rights, destructive healthcare plans, and terrorism there isn’t much left to laugh about.

I’ve always been an observer of people and that includes myself.  I’ve noticed in recent months that the only successful way to maintain my mental health and general well being is to "bury my head in the sand" and IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.  For years I’ve been out there shouting, screaming, bitching, moaning and criticizing the never ending idiocy that is the human condition. What have I accomplished, not one damn thing. Learning how to ignore or zone-out some of this stuff has gone a long way to improving my life.

I thank my better-half for all her help in assisting and motivating me to learn some really important  zoning-out techniques.  It was just a recent fluke that got me to thinking that those simple yet effective techniques just might work with everyone and everything else as well. After that major epiphany my life suddenly took a turn for the better.  I stopped watching and listening to TV and radio newscasts because I totally disagree with their liberal agendas. The Internet news sites like The Drudge Report after a period of time have morphed slowly into versions of the same bad news bearers, death, destruction, and politics that I shied away from on TV and radio.  The talking heads from both political persuasions have become a constant drumbeat of opinions that I think are crap.

In order to keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart I have to ignore these idiots and their idiotic opinions.  I’m slowly discovering that many of my own opinions make much more sense than theirs.  Since they don’t wish to listen to mine or to use any sort of common sense in creating their own, I’m zoning them out. Today is a perfect day for our first visit from Mr. Good Humor. He always seems to bring with him a few items that will put a smile on our faces and help us forget the load of crap we are slowly being inundated with. Enjoy these funny, sometimes off-color jokes, limericks, and stories and try smiling a little. 

There’s plenty of sand here on my beach for all of us to bury our heads in.

* * *

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that’s great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming" If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!"

* * *

There once was a man named Barack
Whose re-election came as a shock
He raised the taxes we pay,
and then helped turned marriage gay
And now he’s coming after our Glock

* * *

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

* * *

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it ‘tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style? Have you done it up a mile?

Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother’s couch? Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care?

 

Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows. Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is thy Purity.

Are you smiling yet?

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