11-01-2013 Stupid Headlines   2 comments

I remember growing up in a time when newspapers ruled the world. Nothing was true unless it was in the paper and each morning people scrambled for the morning news.  It was a time when two deliveries of a newspaper was the norm, the morning edition at 6am and another delivered in the early evening. I had an up close and personal  relationship with our daily paper, The Valley Daily News, because I was one of it’s part-time carriers.  I always felt so damn important as I made my rounds delivering the latest news to all of my friends and neighbors.  For me it was a big deal.

I can still remember rushing to the pile of papers as they were tossed off the delivery truck to catch a quick peek at the day’s headlines.  It was exciting for a dumb kid like me to be the first to get the scoop of the day. 

The quality of the writing seemed much more professional then than some of the stuff I’m reading these days.   In my humble opinion our improved technologies and the birth of the Internet have brought the quality of articles and headlines to a very low level.  The daily barrage of news these days wears on a person.  It’s a constant drumbeat 24 hours a day and it’s annoying as well as redundant.

Back in the day writing was a serious profession and the writing of headlines was almost as important as the articles themselves.  I offer for your amusement the following collection of  headlines from recent years and various newspapers.  Not only do the headlines suck but the editor’s who allowed them to be sent to print should be ashamed.  Here we go.

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS – VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH

CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN

DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

You just can’t make this stuff up.    For as long as the Net prospers so will my coffers of stupid remain full.  Long live the Internet.

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2 responses to “11-01-2013 Stupid Headlines

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  1. I love this, as expected. Many of my own pieces are spoofs of news-speak.I just *have* to collect them for easy gazing.
    Congrats on successful paper-route, it’s less hoarsening then the old town-crier jobs, which were usually given to the village cry-baby.
    Seriously, did you save ‘Dewey wins!’?
    And the oft-cited classic is ‘Headless torso found in Topless bar!’

  2. Reblogged this on Like and Share This!.

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