Did anyone every tell you the story about getting a message in a fortune cookie that said “Help me, I’m being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.” I’ve had a few people try that on me over the years and never thought it was all that funny.  It’s still not funny especially now when I’m the guy who’s the prisoner.

It’s now been five weeks since I broke my damn leg and I’ve got to tell you the novelty of walking on crutches with a big clunky cast is long over.  The only thing worse than breaking your leg is that you’re then being forced to walk with crutches.  Crutches are the devil’s way of paying us back for all the bad things we’ve done in our life.

Being totally immobilized is the worst.  I found I wasn’t able to do much of anything when on those effing crutches. I had to request my better-half to do everything because I had no ability to carry things from place to place.  I tried with a cup of coffee but on my first attempt I spilled a large portion of really hot coffee directly onto my cat who insists on running between my legs every time I stand up.  I’ll bet he won’t do that again.

So after a period of time I had to come up with some way of doing things on my own without any help.  It wasn’t as easy as it sounds.  I brought my wheeled computer chair from my man-cave to the upstairs and  then using my crutches like oars was able to go into the kitchen, prepare a snack, and then paddle my way back to the living room.  It was a moderately successful idea until I pushed too hard with one crutch, lost my balance, and flipped over.  The food tasted kind of funny after I scrapped it off the floor and part of the wall and there was no way I could save the coffee.  It amazes me just how large an area a medium sized cup of coffee can cover when tossed across the kitchen.  It took me a long time to get it all cleaned up crawling around on my hands and knees and cursing a blue steak.  It was time for a better idea.

I found an old jacket with a few large pockets and was finally able to pack the pockets full of goodies including my hot cup of coffee in a sealable travel mug. I was saved.  Do you know you can carry bacon, eggs and toast folded up in between two paper plates and tucked into a partially zipped up jacket.  I may be forced to come up with a few new recipes and packaging ideas for foods to be used by crutch handicapped people.  That ideas a little out there even for me so I’ll save it for another day.

I  now have the time to sit and design my other new idea, a Handy Dandy Crutch Caddy.  Two really well designed saddlebags that can be attached to the lower part of the crutches.  I could make one of the pockets insulated so the food remains hot during transport.  Maybe I’ll throw in a wi-fi antenna for the on-the-go one-legged computer nerds out there. It’s a good project for me since I have a few more weeks of this nonsense to deal with and if I don’t stay mentally busy I will lose my effing mind.

Help, I’m being held prisoner.