Archive for the ‘accidents’ Tag

11-12-2015 – Phobias, Texts & Stupid People!   Leave a comment

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After admitting in my last post that I had an addictive personality got me to thinking.  I thought I knew myself pretty well when I was able to admit that I was also claustrophobic.  One phobia isn’t all that bad or so I thought.  I decided to dig into the Everyuselessthing archives to learn more about phobias.  I’m not sure that was such a great idea.  I discovered a list of phobias that aren’t commonly known and I think I may suffer from a few more than previously thought.  Here are a few examples:

Arachibutyrophobia – fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

Automatonophobia – fear of ventriloquists’ dummies.

Coulrophobia – fear of clowns.

Geniophobia – fear of chins.

Phobophobia – fear of fear.

Pteronophobia – fear of being tickled by feathers.

Rupophobia – fear of dirt.

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I’ll only admit to having two additional phobias from that list and there isn’t a chance in hell I’ll tell you what they are.  As I finished denigrating myself for all of my stupid phobias I received an email from a friend in KC. He’s a senior + senior citizen  who’s been an internet rat since it’s inception.  It was a ‘Hi, How are you?’ message ending with AMBW. I answered him quickly because I had no freaking clue what that meant. I know LOL, WTF, and a few others but never really felt the need to learn more.  His AMBW means All My Best Wishes.  There seem to be so many of these in use I decided to find a few more. These were a small sampling of texting acronyms I’m sure I’ll use only sporadically.

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A3 – Anytime, Anywhere, Anyplace.

AFAIR – As Far As I an Remember.

ASAFP – As Soon As F**king Possible.

OMFG – Oh My F**king God.

AAI – Allah Already Informed

BITCH  – Babe In Total Control of Herself

CFI – Complete F**king Idiot

CRST – Can’t Remember Sh*t

If any of you ever decide to send me a text or email containing these sort of acronyms please include detailed explanations as well. Life’s way too short for me to waste my time trying to figure them out.

One last bit of amusement to entertainment you.  Years ago I was a police officer for the state of Pennsylvania.  Early in my career I was in the patrol unit and spent a great deal of time investigating accidents, both trivial and serious. I thought I’d heard all the stupid reasons people offer up to explain their accidents but these samples taken from actual insurance reports were new even to me.

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”

“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”

“I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.”

You just can’t make this stuff up.  Most of these were way better than the stories I was told but just as funny.  I think I’ve had enough of this for today. I have errands to run, pictures to take, coffee to drink, and people to watch. 

ENJOY THIS DAY, I KNOW I WILL.

11-22-2013 Journal Entry   2 comments

I found out the hard way that having a broken leg as we come into the holiday season is a mixed blessing.  I’m three and a half weeks into this injury with at least three more weeks before I can start walking on it again on a limited basis. I’m quickly finding out that the boredom and being housebound is worse than the actual injury itself.

I found myself becoming a little hard to live with since I’ve apparently developed a rather bad temper.  I just can’t seem to adjust to this slower lifestyle and my better-half is paying the price for it.  With lots of Christmas season activities on the horizon she’ll be overloaded with decorating, baking, and house cleaning.  I plan on helping where I can but truthfully I won’t be much help.

I put myself on her sh** list a few days ago.  She knew how much I was itching to get out of the house so she took my car keys to work with her to keep me from doing something crazy.  Being the persistent pain-in-the-ass that I am I found my extra set of keys hidden in a secret location.  I hobbled to the garage, jumped in the car and drove a few miles to get a fresh cup of coffee and a sandwich.  It wasn’t easy fitting my big ass, crutches, and the huge air cast into the front seat but I did it anyway.  I made the trip without incident and returned home feeling pretty proud of myself.  That lasted until my better-half got home from work then the you-know-what hit the fan.  I’m now officially grounded.  That hasn’t happened to me for a very long time and I don’t like it any better now than I did then.  I pushed my luck with my little trip but now I’m paying the price for my stupidity.

I returned to the orthopedist for my three week exam and received nothing but good news.  The bone is knitting itself nicely and no surgery will be required.  I’m now permitted to slowly increase the amount of weight on it over the next three weeks.  At that point I’ll be scheduled for some limited physical therapy and hopefully I’ll be back on my feet and ready to party by New Years.

I wouldn’t wish this kind of injury on my worst enemy.  It’s frustrating and humbling to find yourself helpless.  Last night as I was watching TV I heard my better-half upstairs doing something.  A few minutes later she started down the steps when I heard a loud crash.  She screamed my name and I hopped my way over to the stairs.  She had fallen much like I had and fortunately only bruised her thigh, leg, and hand.  She broke no bones but she’ll be sore as hell for a few days.  We should be made the official poster children for CLUMSY.  I may be forced to install a damn elevator so the two of us don’t cripple ourselves permanently.

Happy Effing Holidays!  2013, a year to remember and then immediately forget.

10-29-2013 Journal Entry   2 comments

Well I was planning on spending some time writing about a few useless things today but it appears that won’t be happening.  I was out of bed and on my second cup of coffee and feeling pretty good.  That ended just a few minutes ago without much warning.  I was going downstairs to take out some trash and to turn on the computer.  Our main staircase is about thirty steps straight down to the ground floor and I just made that trip in just under two seconds. 

Now I’m sitting here waiting for my ride to the hospital because I think I may have broken my leg or my ankle or just injured them badly.  The pain is bad but not critical but I can’t walk on it at all.  So I crawled to the computer and I’m sitting here writing this just to keep my mind occupied for a while. 

I should have known that something bad was going to happen after the weird dreams I experienced just before waking this morning.  I dreamt about meeting up with Bill Clinton, having a few drinks at his club, and then being abandoned when he and his driver unexpectedly left me standing along the road. 

I walked a few blocks and managed to  flag down a large car which strangely enough had a cargo of inmates from a local jail.  The driver was kind enough to relay a message via radio to Slick Willie.  He was given our location and told where to met us so he could pick me up.   As his limo drove up he was standing up in the open sun roof waving at the many females walking along the side walk.  He waved to me once, winked cutely, and then drove right on by and off into the sunset. All in all it was typical of what I would have expected from that SOB.  Unfortunately Monica had been nowhere in sight during our encounter and fortunately for me Hillary was missing as well.

That’s the kind of dream (nightmare) I never have.  Dreaming of liberals should have immediately alerted me to the real possibility of problems today but I wasn’t paying close enough attention.   So here I sit in anticipation of a not-so-great day in an emergency room, being poked and prodded, and returning home unable to walk without crutches for the foreseeable future. 

Just freaking wonderful Bill.  I thought the days of you making me miserable were over but you’re that proverbial gift that keeps on giving.  Shoot me now.