Archive for the ‘clumsy’ Tag

08/17/2021 Snow Clutz   Leave a comment

I am the poster boy for clumsy. I love winter and I love the snow but I just can’t seem to walk all that well on it or even near it. Winter is right around the corner and I’ve been trying to get myself mentally prepared for what’s coming. Every year before the snow starts to fly I try to determine exactly when I will fall and what damage I’ll might do to myself. It isn’t a matter of when but how often.

As a kid growing up my friends and I spent a great deal of time in the woods exploring. Even then it was the joke amongst the group as to when I would fall and hurt myself. Everyone thought it was funny and for years I fulfilled my role as the group clutz. I thought it was funny too but only because I hoped at some point it would end, you know, after I got all grown up. Must have been a figment of my imagination.

Let’s spring forward to my college years. I attended Edinboro College in Pennsylvania which just happens to be located in one of the Great Lakes worst snow belts. I couldn’t catch a break, I was on my back a lot in those days and not in a good way.

I then enlisted in the Army in the sixties and ended up in the northern section of South Korea with howling Siberian winds and snow up in my butt. Again, guard duty became quite the adventure as I attempted to remain totally silent while sliding down an icy hill on my back in the middle of the night. I have a scar or two that are constant reminders of those fun days.

Then came the 1970’s. I was enroute home from a job in a really nasty ice storm. I stopped to clean my windows and to take a much needed whiz. I lost my footing while whizzing and slid approximately fifty yards down an icy hill ending up under a nearby parked car. I couldn’t walk for more than a week and spent Super Bowl Sunday propped up in a chair so I can watch the game. I think the Steelers won but I can’t be sure, but those pain pills were the best.

I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. I’ve had a few falls in the ensuing years like breaking a leg and then two years later breaking an arm. Once the snow begins to fly I can guarantee you at least two or three more falls as I wrestle with my snow blower in the driveway. Those kind of things are minor and don’t even bother me anymore. I really hope your winter goes better than the one I’m anticipating.

The Snow Clutz is signing off for now. LOL.

04-06-2015 Journal – One of Those Days!   Leave a comment

I’m posting late today because it’s just been one of “those” days.  I had the day planned out and thought I’d be free and clear of all my chores before noon.  Boy was I ever mistaken.

You need to understand one important thing when you listen to me whine about my day.  I may be the clumsiest person you’ve ever heard about.  I walk into things, fall over things, slip and fall on ice, and also slip and fall on dry pavement.  It’s a curse but after so many years I’ve made a number of adjustments in my behavior to protect myself.  I forgot to pay attention today and the day was one damn thing after another.

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I planned on changing the oil in my lawn tractor today and after reading the users manual I was filled with confidence and sure it would be an easy fix. I entered my work area and fired up the mower to pull it outside. Who forgot that a large window was leaning against the front of the mower.  I traveled no more than six inches when I heard the loud crash.  Glass everywhere and that special window I’d been saving for more than a year for another project was destroyed.  Ten wasted minutes doing the cleanup and I suffered only a minor cut on my hand which bled for twenty minutes.

Back to the mower.  I jumped back on to move it outside the house and the stupid thing wouldn’t start.  I was forced to push the damn thing out of the shop and ended up tearing the leg of my jeans on a protruding screw. I then was on my hands and knees under a workbench looking for a can of oil and as  I grabbed the can and stood up I hit the top of my head on the workbench. Nothing serious, I saw a few stars and continued on. That kind of thing doesn’t bother me at all any more. It happens all the time.   Swearing at the top of my lungs I quickly stood up and discovered the lid on the oil container hadn’t been tightened and I spilled oil all over my shirt, on the work bench, and onto the floor.  Twenty more minutes to clean up that mess and I was ready to begin actual work on the mower.

Now it’s noon time and I haven’t accomplished much of anything.  At one in the afternoon I finished the oil change without further incident.  I was intending to replace a damaged part on the grass collection system and after two additional minor cuts, a sore finger pinched by a pair of dangerous pliers, I had the old piece removed and the new piece installed.

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All in all my day was a total waste of time.  I never was able to get the damn mower restarted because I came to find out the battery needs replacing.  Off to Lowe’s to drop another $40.00 bucks on a new freaking battery,  a quick stop at Rite-Aid for more band aids, and a third stop for an emergency bottle of brandy.

Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try again to accomplish something that won’t require bandages or hospital visits.  I can deal with a minor blood loss but anything more serious than that will just piss me off all the more.

So I ‘m posting late this evening and it’s a miracle I didn’t trip over something while walking over to the computer and break a bone or two.

Wish me luck.

10-14-2013. Journal Entry-More Nonsense and a Cat!   Leave a comment

I’ve had 24 hours for my blood pressure to return to normal levels after receiving that letter from Planned Parenthood.  It really got me going for a while there.  But on to better things to talk about today which will help me relax a little.

It’s a day of nonsense for me.  I finished a good solid 40 minute workout on the treadmill which left me soaking wet and somewhat winded, it was great. I spent an additional ten minutes in my continuing efforts to get my cat Stormy to walk on it with me.  It’s taken me six months just to get him to sit on the damn treadmill but he’s gone like a shot as soon as I turn it on.  I’m nothing if not persistent and I hope he lives long enough for me to accomplish this feat. He knows exactly what I want him to do but he’s just dragging this out to mess with me. I sometimes think he’s actually the one training me.

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‘Here’s what I want.’

‘Here’s what I got.’

Have I mentioned recently that I’m a bit of a klutz.  I trip over things, fall into things, drop things and occasionally break things.  It’s a life long issue that appears unfixable.  As I was in my workshop putting the finishing touches to a small book shelf I’ve been building I found it necessary to stain a few small pieces of trim before finishing the project.  I pulled out a quart of stain and an old rag to stain just two small 8 inch pieces.  How much trouble could I get in? That evil klutz that lives inside me decided it was time for another visit to make my life a little more interesting.

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I opened the can of stain carefully after putting on my latex gloves.  I hate getting that stuff on me because it’s as hard as hell to remove.  I picked up the rag and placed  the pieces of trim the on the bench to begin staining. As I turned to pick up the rag my arm struck the nearby can of stain and sent it flying.  Needless to say I now have a stain on the floor of my workshop that’s approximately 6 feet long and four feet wide.  That doesn’t even include the splash-back onto my arms, chest, face and glasses. I ended up spending more time cleaning that up than I did building the damn bookshelf in the first place. The evil klutz got me again.

I then returned to my man-cave to post about Planned Parenthood and what do I find?  No internet connection. I’ve been having periodic problems with my connection for the last few weeks but this time my home network was dead. After running diagnostics, checking cables, cursing a blue streak, and making a quick visit to a nearby Time Warner office, it was once again operating.

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I’ve been considering a complete upgrade of my home network and after today I’m convinced it’s badly needed.  Along with the network upgrade I’ll be adding a home cloud system and hopefully it can all be done at the same time.  At least with my own cloud I’ll feel much more secure about the safety of my music and photographs.

I’m off to take a shower and clean the remainder of the stain from my magnificent body.  It’s like having graffiti on Michelangelo’s “David”.

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That was supposed to be funny in case you were wondering.  After that I foresee a large mug of Jack Daniels and Pepsi to smooth things out a little more.  Another wonderful day in the neighborhood comes to a close.

11-22-2013 Journal Entry   2 comments

I found out the hard way that having a broken leg as we come into the holiday season is a mixed blessing.  I’m three and a half weeks into this injury with at least three more weeks before I can start walking on it again on a limited basis. I’m quickly finding out that the boredom and being housebound is worse than the actual injury itself.

I found myself becoming a little hard to live with since I’ve apparently developed a rather bad temper.  I just can’t seem to adjust to this slower lifestyle and my better-half is paying the price for it.  With lots of Christmas season activities on the horizon she’ll be overloaded with decorating, baking, and house cleaning.  I plan on helping where I can but truthfully I won’t be much help.

I put myself on her sh** list a few days ago.  She knew how much I was itching to get out of the house so she took my car keys to work with her to keep me from doing something crazy.  Being the persistent pain-in-the-ass that I am I found my extra set of keys hidden in a secret location.  I hobbled to the garage, jumped in the car and drove a few miles to get a fresh cup of coffee and a sandwich.  It wasn’t easy fitting my big ass, crutches, and the huge air cast into the front seat but I did it anyway.  I made the trip without incident and returned home feeling pretty proud of myself.  That lasted until my better-half got home from work then the you-know-what hit the fan.  I’m now officially grounded.  That hasn’t happened to me for a very long time and I don’t like it any better now than I did then.  I pushed my luck with my little trip but now I’m paying the price for my stupidity.

I returned to the orthopedist for my three week exam and received nothing but good news.  The bone is knitting itself nicely and no surgery will be required.  I’m now permitted to slowly increase the amount of weight on it over the next three weeks.  At that point I’ll be scheduled for some limited physical therapy and hopefully I’ll be back on my feet and ready to party by New Years.

I wouldn’t wish this kind of injury on my worst enemy.  It’s frustrating and humbling to find yourself helpless.  Last night as I was watching TV I heard my better-half upstairs doing something.  A few minutes later she started down the steps when I heard a loud crash.  She screamed my name and I hopped my way over to the stairs.  She had fallen much like I had and fortunately only bruised her thigh, leg, and hand.  She broke no bones but she’ll be sore as hell for a few days.  We should be made the official poster children for CLUMSY.  I may be forced to install a damn elevator so the two of us don’t cripple ourselves permanently.

Happy Effing Holidays!  2013, a year to remember and then immediately forget.

10-16-2013   Leave a comment

The Winter season is upon us in everyway except for the snow which will arrive when it’s most inconvenient as always.  Everyone has been slowly abandoning their summer-wear and easing into that ever so attractive triple layered ensemble of t-shirts, sweaters, sweat shirts, gloves, hats, and parkas.  People watching takes an ugly turn every year at this time and I’ll sure miss the bikinis, thongs, short skirts, and beautiful tans.  It’s the worst part of winter for me.

It gets so bad at times that after a few months, usually in February, you might find yourself making a early trip to the local mall to have a coffee and watch the ever increasing numbers of people doing their morning walk. There’s nothing more sad than making an early morning visit to a semi-deserted mall just to watch other idiots trying to make some human contact and to get the hell out of the house for an hour or so.

I’m a little jealous of those folks who can’t wait for the snow to arrive so they have a place to play.  I’m way too clumsy to be a snow bunny.  As a kid I managed to injure myself on a regular basis during every Winter season without even trying too hard.  Skiing was always good for a twisted knee or an up close and personal relationship with the occasional tree or shrub.  Once or twice I was actually able to ski down a hill, knocking over other skiers along the way, and then ending up in a creek with thin ice and really cold water.  We skated on a remote pond for years and without fail I always managed to fall through the ice on a few occasions.

After decades of minor injuries from walking on snow and ice I gave up.  No skiing, no skating, and definitely no snowmobiling.  When my friends in Maine discovered my failures as a snow bunny they began to give me odd looks and began whispering behind my back.  This was the motivation I needed to get serious about resolving my winter issues.  After many years I’ve discovered the only winter activity I’m good at.

As you are certainly aware every ski lodge has things in common with the others.  There’s always a chair lift, snow, a big mountain, and a lodge.  My winter activities this year will be centered primarily around the lodge and it’s varied selection of things to do.  There are lovely rooms to sleep and play in.  There are hot tubs, Jacuzzis, and untold numbers of young and attractive individuals to meet and interact with.  My favorite thing in every lodge is that comfortable bar stool that sits at the end of the bar near the huge picture window. There I can sit, drink, eat, meet, and greet everyone.  The only possible injuries I might suffer would be from an accidental fall from the bar stool which would only involve a spilled drink and possibly a small bruise on my buttocks.  The other and more dangerous injury would be from one of the many skiers I see flying down the mountain just outside my window.  If by chance one of them loses control and crashes through the window, I could be seriously injured.  If I stay alert I should be fine but you never know.  It also requires that I surround myself with a bevy of alcohol drinking buxom women to help break my fall if the worst happens. As always my approach to everything Winter is SAFETY FIRST.

Hopefully this winter I’ll remain uninjured for another year. Along the way I intend to stay as warm and cozy as possible with all of my new female lodge buddies. I promise to do my part when it comes time to do a Jell-O shot or two off the stomach of an enthusiastic  female volunteer.

SKIING RULES

11-08-2012   2 comments

It looks like this is going to be another day of surprises for me. I woke up bright and early this morning and stumbled from the bedroom barely conscious. The house was chilly, the cat was hungry, and my kidneys were screaming. Being the organized guy that I am I immediately prioritized. I turned up the thermostat, kicked the cat out of the way, and headed for my favorite room of the house. It was still dark as hell but as I walked past our large picture window I couldn’t have been more surprised. Four inches of freaking snow piled up on the deck and everywhere else. It’s what I get for not paying attention to the weather forecasts over the last few days. These inconvenient and  inevitable weather changes are a pain in the ass but we must roll with the punches. My immediate response to the snow was to get a cup of coffee and make a beeline for my nice warm and toasty bed. I did  feed the cat on the way only because I knew he’d nag me to death to get fed if I didn’t.

I slide back under the covers, turned on the TV and guess what, no satellite signal. I can’t ever seem to get a damn break. We hadn’t lost power, thank God,  but looking out the window I could see a shimmer of sleet and immediately  knew why the signal had been lost.  Effing ice build up on the dish requiring my personal touch.  I sat for a moment hoping against hope the damn thing will recover on it’s own.  Fat chance. I was being forced to leave my warm snuggly bed to venture out into the cold cruel storm. I threw on a robe, grabbed a broom, and made my way to the door. Shit!

You must realize I’m an accident waiting to happen when there’s snow or ice anywhere nearby. I’ve fallen so many times in my life it’s ridiculous. In the last twenty years I’ve fractured my knee, thrown out my back, and fell to the driveway directly on top of my hand breaking my little finger. With a record like that it’s no wonder I’m extra careful at all times. I got to the door with my broom and unfortunately for me the only pair of available shoes were a pair of Crocs made for summer beach wear. Being a good soldier I put my bare feet into those stupid Crocs, opened the door and stepped out into the snow. Believe me when I tell you it was freaking cold. I only took a few steps before balance became an immediate issue but thank God for the broom. That stupid broom turned from a cleaning device to a walking stick and saved my ass from a tumble.  I knocked the snow and ice from the satellite dish and safely returned to the house. I was really proud of myself for avoiding an injury but I’ve got to remember not to get too cocky. This was just the first in any number of snow storms and we have four more months of winter before I’ll feel safe again.

I love Winter and the change of seasons but these are perilous times for me and all of the other really clumsy people out there.

Posted November 10, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Just Saying

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