I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does.  I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.

A  few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap.  After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention.  It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.  I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.

I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever.  I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar.  Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why.  Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that.  And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”

After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone.  It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again.  Take a look.

• “I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
• “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
• “The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
• “Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
• “Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
• “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

Man, I really miss that guy.  Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day.  Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:

There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.

My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.

A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”

There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”

They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones.  Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find.  I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.