Archive for the ‘limericks’ Tag
I’m still contemplating whether to post those extremely lewd limericks I’ve been talking about for weeks. At some point I’ll be forced into a decision but not just yet. How about a few that aren’t quite as disturbing. Here are a few prizewinners about virgins.
There was a young virgin named Alice
Who thought of her puss as a chalice.
One night, sleeping nude,
She awoke feeling lewd,
And found in her chalice a phallus.
😏😏😏
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.
😜😜😜
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said, “If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.”
🤣🤣🤣
A girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never felt of the phallus.
She remained virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
😘😘😘
That should keep you limerick lovers calm for a while until I make my final decision. I’ll probably have to come up with some kind of a warning paragraph with flashing lights to ensure no children read the wrong limericks. I’m still working on that and trying to keep my better-half from kicking my ass. She’s a bit of a prude.
THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO START YOUR DAY
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🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩
A few weeks ago, I promised you limerick lovers some really bawdy and rude limericks. I have quite a collection of those, but I hesitate to post them because it would be really bad if any children were to read them. I recently bought a book from an online thrift store which contains 1001 of the rudest limericks I’ve ever seen. I’m still considering whether to post any of them or at least try to find a few that are a little less objectionable.
Just to give you some idea what I’m talking about I thought I would regale you with an erotic poem written by the author of the book, Mr. Ronald Stanza. This little ditty was copied directly from the rear page of his book cover. Good luck.
❤️
Here now is a steamy collection
Of limericks rare. Each selection
Will run for five lines,
Contain marvelous rhymes –
Detailing sex acts of subtle complexion.
🤤🤤🤤
Though often the rhyming is coarse
And the meter is ragged, or worse.
Positions are randy
The sex is jim-dandy
In this book of libidinous verse.
😋😋😋
Some readers may think that it’s crude
To offer for sale what is lewd
But if you’re offended
By what is appended.
We’ll say what you are: you’re a prude!
😏😏😏
For others the thought of an organ
Of sex is a scream. And it’s sure fun
To peep and to poke
And make sex a joke.
If a fault, it’s delightfully human!
🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
The more I read this little ditty the more I like it. A special thanks goes out to Mr. Ronald Stanza for his fine work. I’ll let you know about the final decision on the week of lewd limericks in a few days, but it isn’t looking good.
HAVE A GREAT (AND HOPEFULLY LEWD) WEEKEND
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A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .
Edward Lear
There was an old man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said, “Does it buzz?”
He replied, “Yes, it does!
It’s a regular brute of a bee.”
😁😁😁
Ogden Nash
There was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.
😛😛😛
Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slept out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
😉😉😉
Rudyard Kipling
There once was a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes I is,
But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
😋😋😋
Carolyn Wells
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning he remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”
As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
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In the past few weeks, I’ve posted limericks written by children, limericks written for children, and a selection of bawdy and crude limericks for the adults. Today I’m posting limericks that are just silly, cute and funny. Readable by all, kids and grownups alike. Enjoy!
There was a young lady of Kent
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
One day, I suppose,
She followed her nose,
For no one knew which way she went.
🤪🤪🤪
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
😎😎😎
A cannibal living in France
Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
An ox and a half,
And now he can’t button his pants.
😜😜😜
A careless zookeeper named Blake
Fell into a tropical lake.
Said a fat alligator
A few minutes later,
“Not bad, but I still prefer steak.”
HAVE A SILLY WEEK
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I thought I would try something different today. We all love limericks mostly because they can be naughty, dirty, and lewd and yet still funny. I’ve made a point of posting a number of limericks in recent weeks written by children that were Rated G and they were well received. I’m going to take it another step further today by introducing you to a number of limericks written by adults for children (circa 1965). They are clean and clever and funny. Most kids love or hate school, so let’s make these limericks about school and college. I hope you enjoy them.
Said a boy to his teacher one day
“Wright has not written rite right, I say.”
And the teacher replied,
As the blunder she eyed,
“Right! – Wright, write rite, right away!”
🥴🥴🥴
A teacher who spelling’s unique
Thus, wrote down the “Days of the Wique”:
First, he spelt “Sonday,”
The second day, “Munday”
And now a new teacher they sique.
😷😷😷
There’s a very mean man of Belsize,
Who thinks he is clever and wise.
And what do you think,
He saves gallons of ink
By simply not dotting his “i’s”.
😁😁😁
A collegiate damsel named Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A,’s and P.H.D.’s,
Collapsed from the strain.
Alas, it was plain
She was killing herself by degrees.
😇😇😇😇
LIMERICKS RULE
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I thought today we might start the month of June with a collection of limericks. This is what can be called a double dose because these limericks were written about limericks. I know it sounds confusing, but you’ll get the gist once you start reading. Enjoy . . .
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
😷😷😷
If you find for your verse there’s no call,
And you can’t afford paper at all,
For the poet, true born,
However forlorn,
There’s always the lavatory wall.
😉😉😉
The limericks callous and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding,
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
🥴🥴🥴
Oh limericks, Dr. Jekyll’s oblivious,
Till his alter ego is delirious.
Then it can’t be denied
Such rhymes by Mr. Hyde
Will be lecherous, lewd and lascivious.
🤪🤪🤪
That’s it for today. Keep checking in on a daily basis because I’m planning a full week of limericks that will definitely not be acceptable to the younger generation. Let’s call it “Questionable Limerick Week”. I’m compiling the list of limericks as we speak.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
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I’ve rounded up a few more limericks written exclusively by the youngest generation. I’m constantly amazed just how well they construct their limericks. When I was their age, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to match their skills. Enjoy . . .
Belinda Kellett – Age 8
There was a young lad he named Tony
Who ate plates of fried macaroni.
He got very fat,
But he didn’t mind that,
‘Cos, he bounced when he sat on his pony.
☘☘☘
Audrey Freeland – Age 12
There was a young fellow called Fred
Had an elephant sit on his head.
Where the elephant sat,
Fred’s head grew quite flat,
But Fred didn’t care, he was dead!
☘☘☘
Christine Tailby – Age 7
There was a young lady of Leeds
Who was constantly doing good deeds.
As she bit her young brother,
She said to her mother
“I’ll bind up the wound if it bleeds!”
☘☘☘
Ron Rubin (Unk Age)
As he shrugged and made room on her tuffet,
He whooped: “You’re my lunch, dear Ms. Muffet!”.
Then the monstrous tarantula
Began to dismantle her,
And that’s how Ms. M came to snuff it.
😃😂😁😀😉🙂😛
If any of you happen to have a favorite limerick, email it to me at (everyuselessthing2@yahoo.com) and I’ll post it. Better yet, if you write your own just sent it along and get credit for your work. Don’t be shy, everything here is done just for the fun of it.
MORE TO COME
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Now that Mother’s Day has come and gone, let’s look into something a bit more musical. Everyone seems to love music of one sort or another, so why don’t we all try to enjoy some music related limericks.
🎵🎵🎵
A small hairy dog from Pirbright
Would sit at the organ all night.
And in his shrewd way,
He kept burglars at bay,
For his Bach was much worse than his bite.
🤥🤥🤥
Tchaikovsky composed his “Swan Lake”,
With his grand reputation at stake,
So, he wasn’t too fond
Of its nickname “Duck Pond”,
He considered that name a mistake.
😝😝😝
There is a musician named Long
Who’s composed a new popular song.
I’m convinced it’s the croon
Of a lovesick baboon,
With occasional thumps on a gong.
😇😇😇
There was a composer named Liszt
Whose music was hard to resist.
When he swept the keyboard,
Not a listener was bored,
And now that he’s gone, he is mizst.
🥴🥴🥴
HUM ALONG IF YOU MUST
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No matter what day of the week or month of the year, there’s always time for some of Mr. Asimov’s finely crafted limericks. These will tend to be a bit more off-color than the ones I usually post so keep your kids and prudish spouses clear. This is a really good way to kick off your week. Here we go . . .
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
“My darling, please let me unveilia,
And then, oh, my own,
If you’ll kindly lie prone,
I will endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.”
😄😄😄
Said a certain young girl of Madrid
Who kept her vagina well hid,
“For a lousy peseta,
I am no fornicata,
But I’ll spring for an adequate bid.”
😲😲😲
“Adultery,” said Joseph, “is nice”.
If once is all right, better twice.
This doubling of rations
Improves my sensations
For the plural of spouse, friend, is “spice.”
😎😎😎
At a nudist camp, sweet little Lillian
Was slated to lead the cotillion.
This made her so proud
That to shine in the crowd
She painted Her nipples vermilion.
😈😈😈
ENJOY YOUR WEEK
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Most of you readers enjoy the limericks I post but even more seem to enjoy the limericks created by kids. Here are a few more selections for your amusement.
Violet McDonald – Age 11
Thr wnce ws a grl fr, SX
Who cdnt stp usin hr txt:
She ws gtin a bor,
I cud nt take no mor,
So I fd hr phn 2my dg Rx
😍😍😍
Celia McMaster – Age 12
A hungry old goat name Heather
Was tied up with an old piece of leather.
In a minute or two
She had chewed it right through,
And that was end of her tether!
🤪🤪🤪
David McDermott – Age 13
There is a young boxer named Walter,
Who comes from the island of Malta.
One day in the ring
He stepped on a spring,
And bounced all the way to Gibraltar.
😛😛😛
Brian Bell – Age 5
My brother’s name is Keith.
He hates to clean his teeth.
His dirty face
Is a real disgrace,
But he’s lovely underneath!
💩
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