Archive for the ‘limericks’ Tag

11/28/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ”Virginity Limerick Alert”๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said “If you must know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.

๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค

A religious young lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†

NUFF SAID

11/21/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimericks for Kids๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.

A little boy down in Natchez

Sat upon powder and matchez.

For the seat of war

He hankers no more,

Though re-enforced well with patchez.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

By Hugh Lofting

Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket

Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.

He has more understanding

Since reaching the landing,

Just look at the hole where he struck it.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

By Oliver Hereford

A puppy whose hair was so flowing

There really was no means of knowing

Which end was his head,

Once stopped me and said,

“Please, sir, am I coming or going.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

A certain young fellow named Beebee

Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.

“But,” said he, “I must see

What the clerical fee

Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”

๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

HAPPY MONDAY

14/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

There was an amazing old wizard

Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard.

So, he drank wind and snow

At some fifty-below,

And farted a forty-day blizzard.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

Said a printer, pretending to wit:

“There are certain rude words we omit.

It would sully our art

To include the word fart,

And we seldom, if ever say shit.”

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

There was a young man named McBride,

Who could fart any time that he tried.

In a contest he blew

Seven thousand and two,

But then shit and was disqualified.

๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

There was a young woman of Dexter,

Whose husband invariably vexed her,

For, whenever they’d start,

He’d persistently fart

With a blast that damn nearly de-sexed her!

A PERFECTLY SMELLY START TO YOUR WEEK

11/06/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅKid Limericks๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

It’s Sunday which is supposed to be a day of rest. Short and sweet today with a few limericks written by kids and for kids.

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

Consider the poor hippopotamus,

His life is unduly monotonous.

He lives half-asleep

At the edge of the deep,

And his face is as big as his bottom is.

๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

There was an old man of Peru

Who dreamt he was eating a shoe.

He awoke in the night

With a terrible fright,

And found it was perfectly true.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

A visitor from Outer Space

On arriving presented his case.

“Earthlings? Inferior!

My race? Superior!”

Tripped up and fell flat on his face.

๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช

An elephant never forgets,

Neither messages, shopping nor debts.

He can hold in his trunk

A whole cartload of junk,

And the little ones make super pets.

11/03/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   1 comment

I thought all of you would appreciate a few relatively harmless limericks mainly concerned with anatomical issues. The weekend is in sight and maybe these little ditties will help get you through until then.

There was a young lady of Kent,

Whose nose was most awfully bent.

One day, I suppose,

She followed her nose,

For no one knew which way she went.

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

There was an old man of Blackheath,

Who sat on his set of false teeth.

Said he, with a start,

“O Lord, bless my heart!

I’ve bitten myself underneath.

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

There was an old man of Tarentum

Who gnashed his false teeth ’til he bent’em.

When they asked him the cost

Of what he had lost,

He replied, “I can’t say, for I rent’em.”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

A girl who weighed many an oz.

Used language I dared not pronoz.

For a fellow unkind

Pulled her chair out behind

Just to see (so he said) if she’d boz.

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

10/20/2022 **Limerick Alert**   Leave a comment

I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.

*****

There was an old lady named Crockett

Who went to put a plug in a socket.

But her hands were so wet

She flew up like a jet

And came roaring back down like a rocket.

*****

There was a young fellow named Weir,

Who hadn’t an atom of fear.

He indulged a desire

To touch a live wire

(‘Most any old line will do here!)

*****

Said a foolish young lady of Wales,

“A smell of escaped gas prevails.”

Then she searched with a light,

And later that night

Was collected in seventeen pails.

*****

A certain young man of great gumption,

‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption

To go – but alack!

He never came back,

They say ’twas a case of consumption.

*****

WELCOME BACK TO A 1960’S SENSE OF HUMOR

10/13/2022 “More Retro Limericks”   Leave a comment

I love reading limericks written in a totally different time and place. Today’s selection is from the war years in England. Even with all of the violence and mayhem going on they took time to maintain a sense of humor. Thank god for sex and it’s related activities, it’s all they had.

****

1941

There was a young lady named Nelly

Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.

They could tickle her twat,

Or be tied in a knot,

And they could even swat flies on her belly.

****

1943

There was a young man from Narragansett

Who colored his prick to enhance it.

But the girls were afraid

That ere they get laid

T’would lose all its color in transit

****

1945

A detective named Ellery Queen

Has olfactory powers so keen,

He can tell in a flash

By the scent of a gash

Who its previous tenant had been.

****

1941

19There was a young girl named Regina

Who called in a water diviner,

To play a slick trick

With his prick as a stick,

To help her locate her vagina.

****

KEEPING WAR TIME MORALE AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE

10/10/2022 “Retro Limericks”   Leave a comment

It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!

*****

There was a young girl named Anheuser

Who said that no man could surprise her.

But Pabst took a chance,

Found Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.

*****

There was a young fellow name Gluck

Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.

Though he petted and wooed,

When he tried to get screwed

He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.

*****

There was a young fellow named Sweeney

Whose girl was a terrible meanie.

The hatch of her snatch

Had a catch that would latch.

She could only be screwed by Houdini.

*****

A religious lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with prayer.”

*****

HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK

10/06/2022 “Sporty Limericks   1 comment

I woke up at 4:45 am today and it’s still cold and miserable outside. It’s been raining for a day and a half and I hate it. I made the decision to stay in bed under my warm electric blanket and to watch one of my favorite movies, The Godfather. There’s nothing like an couple hours of senseless violence, mayhem and the occasional murder or two to get your day started. I then caught up on the days sport scores so as not to be totally uninformed. My coffee was hot but unfortunately none of my hometown teams (Pittsburgh) were. I’ve been wanting to post a few limericks this week and I’ve also got sports on my mind. What’s better than a few sporty limericks to kick off this crappy day.

*****

A batter, named Fatty McPhatter,

Had the gift of the gab with his patter.

“Whichever pitch comes,

I hit only home runs,

So the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter.

*****

I used to shout The Yankees were playing the Mets

On a million home TV sets.

“A team from New York

Will be walking the walk!”

Said an analyst (hedging his bets)

*****

A golfer tries hard to survive,

With grit, dedication and drive.

“Inflation,” he’ll claim

“is affecting my game,

I used to shout ‘fore’, now it’s ‘five’.

*****

I’m giving the next pitch a bunt

Just a couple of inches in front.

So the boy on each base

Will all move round one base,

It’s a very unpopular stunt!

*****

I’VE STRUCK OUT

09/29/2022 ๐ŸŽ‡Kid’s Limericks๐ŸŽ‡   Leave a comment

Here are a few cute limericks, some are written by kids and others written for kids. I hope you enjoy them.

By Colin McNaughton

Should a beast ever hunt you and find you,

He’d certainly crush you and grind you.

But here’s nothing to fear,

There are none around here,

GOOD HEAVENS! THERE’S ONE

RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

By Reg Lynes

I’ve eaten as much as I can,

I cannot digest one more gram.

I’m leaving the chips,

And the salady bits,

And the peas, and the eggs, and the ham.

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

By Margaret Brace

Archeologists dig at their leisure,

And it gives them a great deal of pleasure,

Not to mention bad backs,

As they fill up their sacks

With all sorts of muddy old treasure.

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

By Amanda Chew

There was a young cannibal, Ned,

Who used to eat onions in bed.

His mother said “Sonny,

It’s not very funny –

Why don’t you just eat people instead?”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

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