Archive for the ‘limericks’ Tag

06-11-2016 Journal–Things I Luv (Revised)   Leave a comment

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In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek.  Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love.  I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult.  These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.

  • My Better-half (Always first or else.)
  • My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
  • Peace & Quiet
  • My Mental Strength
  • Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
  • Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
  • A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
  • Growing Anything
  • Eating soup
  • A really dirty joke or limerick.**

** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things.  These limericks and jokes  are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.

Limerick #1

There was a woman named Lucille

who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill

they found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Limerick #2

There was a young man from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.

He said, "Oh my love,

It fits like a glove."

Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."

Limerick #3

A gay young man from Khartoum,

took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued all night,

as to who had the right

to do what, with which and to whom.

Joke #1

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Joke #2

The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"

So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?

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ENJOY YOUR DAY

04-06-2016 Journal – Cemetery Humor & Limericks!   Leave a comment

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I thought that since today is once again cold and sunny I should dig into my trivia library for some interesting facts  rather than going out to brave the weather. I might even find a few that aren’t so interesting but as always you can be the judge of that. These are items primarily related to cemeteries and funerals. I may be forced to throw in a few off-color limericks as well.  Let’s get started.

Here’s an entry I’m adding just for my beer drinking better-half.

  • A headstone in a cemetery at Saint Kilda, Victoria, Australia, depicts a hand holding a jug of beer. The headstone was the result of a threat often made by the widow to her thirsty husband.

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This item amazes me.  I can’t begin to understand the level of dedication this involves.

  • In Nara, Japan, a lantern in the tomb of a Buddhist priest, Kyobo Daishi, in the monastery of Koya San has been burning continuously for 1126 years.

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This one I can appreciate somewhat. The woman was truly dedicated to her profession, regardless of the consequences.

  • The epitaph of the late Shirley Pitts of London, England, dubbed the “Queen of Shoplifters” reads, “Gone Shopping”.

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Everyone loves a good “Love” story and here’s a beauty.

  • “Husband: I anxiously awaiting you, 1827.” “Wife: Here I am, 1867 – Gravestones in a Paris, France cemetery.

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Here are two entries concerning two stubborn fools.

  • “Here stands old Britt Bailey” – Epitaph to James Britton Bailey, who was buried standing up because he refused to look up to any man.
  • A tombstone in Weather Hill, New England, reads: “Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor, who lived and died without a doctor.”

Here are a few rather interesting approaches.

  • A tombstone in a cemetery in Medway, Massachusetts, reads, “Beneath this stone, this lump of clay, lies Uncle Peter Daniels, who too early in the month of May, took off his winter flannels.”
  • “Here lies the father of twenty-nine, He would have had more but he didn’t have time.” – Gravestone in Moultrie, Georgia.
  • A gravestone near Uniontown, Pennsylvania: “Her lies the body of Jonathon Blake, stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”
  • “Owen Moore Is gone away, Owen’ more than he could pay.” – Epitaph in Surrey, England.

And finally a proper send off for an attorney.

  • The tombstone of an attorney in Willwood cemetery, Rockford, Illinois: “Goembel, John E. 1867-1946: The defense rests.”

Now for a couple of art related limericks.

For a sculpture that’s really first class,

You need form, composition, and mass;

To do a good Venus,

Just leave off the penis,

And concentrate more on the ass!

 

A lascivious lecher, called Fletcher,

Was also a talented sketcher.

Of ladies (quite nude)

He invariably screwed,

But did they enjoy it? You betcha!

I think that’s enough silliness for today.  Look for more limericks in the future because I recently stumbled upon quite the collection, most from the British Isles. They have an excellent approach to raunchiness that I really admire.

02-12-2016 Journal–Raunchy, Tasteless & Gross!   1 comment

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I’m in a mood this morning. I have yet to decide whether it’s a good mood, a bad mood, or a I-don’t-give-a-damn mood.  It depends more on my interactions today with other people than anything else.  Normally I look for something funny or at least a little humorous to set me on the right track for the day but I’m actually feeling like taking a trip down the wrong road. This road leads to tasteless, gross, and raunchy humor.  Be warned.

I think I’ll throw in a few filthy limericks, a dirty joke or two, some raunchy riddles, and anything else I can think of.  Some of these items and photos might even gross you out a little but hopefully not too too much. Over the years I’ve purchased a number of books in old book stores  filled with questionable humor and today I intend to share some of their contents with you.  So let’s get started.

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Riddles

Q. What’s the difference between frustration and panic?

A. Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you find out you can’t do it the first time.

 

Q. When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head?

A. You have to pull the sheets out of your ass!

 

Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A. A rooster clucks defiance!

 

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?

A. The guy who finishes first and third in the masturbation contest!

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Jokes

A young up-and-coming executive was informed that he would be forced to take a thirty percent pay cut. Later that evening he was discussing with his wife ways in which they could trim some fat from their household budget. “Honey,” he said, “if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could fire the cook.”  “Well, dear,” she replied, “if you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardener.”

A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a person’s urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, followed by his daughter, and the the family dog. Then he masturbated into it as well. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours later the doctor returned. “You know,” he said, “it took me a long time, but I think I’ve finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you’d quit beating off, you wouldn’t have tennis elbow.”

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Limericks

All these small cocks (of which we won’t dwell)

Looked no bigger encouraged to swell; I’ve endured the tedium

Of others, classed medium,

But at last – I’ve discovered XL.

 

Said a President prone to give pecks,

To those areas  other than necks:

“Although this is sultry,

It is not adultery –

I’m not even sure if it’s sex!”

-dedicated to Bill Clinton

A well-endowed chap with a cock,

Several sizes too big for his jock,

Eventually found

It was far better wound

Round one leg and tucked into his sock!

 

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,

Complacently stroking his madam;

And loud was his mirth

For he knew that, on earth,

There were only two balls – and he had’em.

 

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Well there you have it. What better way to start off your day and the weekend.  These were just a rather tame samples of what’s to come (no pun intended). The next time I’ll use the harsher and crazier stuff.

10-29-2015 Journal – #/+*@^ Computers & Limericks!   Leave a comment

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I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating.  I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most.  No working internet connection.

We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am.  I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception.  I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.

limericks

In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars.  My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off.  Damn, tell me something I don’t know.

In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing.  And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.

Let’s kill some time today  while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks.  I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest.  I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.

#1

With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.

#2

There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.

#3

A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.

#4

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!

#5

As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.

***

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‘And one from an anonymous kid.’

Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews.  Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years.  No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.

There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.

It’s now  been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on.  “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.

ENJOY YOUR DAY

10-07-2014 More Useless Boring Things!   Leave a comment

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It’s raining, it cloudy, it’s gray, and I’m suffering from a total lack of interest in just about everything.  This change of seasons gets me down every year and has done so for as long as I can remember.  It’s sort of become a really annoying tradition for me.  I’ve always been told by others that traditions are the backbone of everything and with that in mind I guess I’ll celebrate that tradition with this new tradition.

You know what that means . . . .  more totally useless information.  There’s really no way to categorize this kind of stuff and I won’t even try. I’ll just put it out there for your enjoyment and you can decide if it’s worth your time or not.  So, there will be no photographs today because I’m too preoccupied with being bored to be taking pictures.  Let’s get started.

  • 28% of Africa is wilderness while 38% of North America is wilderness.
  • On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
  • Heavyweight boxing champion, Ken Norton, was rejected for the role of Apollo Creed in the 1976 film Rocky because he made the star Sylvester Stallone look too small.
  • The largest fruit crop on earth is grapes – followed by bananas.
  • No one knows exactly why a duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

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I’m on my third cup of coffee, still in bed, and munching on a miniature lemon/poppy seed muffin.  I just don’t get these small versions of normal muffins.  People are only kidding themselves if they think it’s healthier to only eat these tiny little useless muffins instead of the real thing.  Give me a big full sized, fat, sugary, crunchy muffin with two inches of frosting on it any day of the week.  If you’re going to eat something sinful don’t mess around, go for it. Revel in the wickedness of your evil deeds.  Forgive me but I seem to have wandered off the reservation a little due to the influences of this destructive and dangerous sugar I just ingested.  Back to the point of this posting which as you should know is "there is no point".

  • Actress Farrah Fawcett had a tap named after her – the gold plated Farrah Fawcet.
  • The snow scenes in the film It’s a Wonderful Life were shot during a record heat wave in southern California.
  • As of 2002, rats in New York outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
  • A pigs orgasm lasts for thirty minutes.
  • When press tycoon William Randolph Hearst sent a telegram to a leading astronomer asking if there was life on Mars and to please cable a thousand words on the subject, he received the reply, “Nobody knows,” repeated five hundred times.

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It’s only proper when posting some useless information to end that posting with a big bang or three.  There’s nothing better than a few really raunchy and bawdy limericks to kick start your day. Enjoy.

The derriere Doris displays

In the park never fails to amaze;

She flounces and bounces

Those wonderful ounces,

And old men are ecstatic for days.

* * *

There was a young virgin named Jeanie

Whose dad was an absolute meanie;

When he’d fashioned a hatch,

With a latch, for her snatch –

She could only be had by Houdini!

* * *

I’d rather have fingers than toes.

I’d rather have ears than a nose.

And, a happy erection

Brought just to perfection

Makes me terribly sad when it goes.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

11-10-2013 American Geography Trivia Quiz Answers   3 comments

It’s time for you to discover just how much you really know about these United States of ours.  While the questions were moderately difficult, they were answerable with a little thought and a basic knowledge of the country (in my opinion).  The answers are as follows:

1.  Florida and South Dakota.

2.  Hilo, on the big Island of Hawaii. It’s at 19° 42 N; Mexico City is at 19° 25 N.

3.  Hell’s Canyon, also known as the Grand Canyon of the Snake River, which reaches a depth of 7900 feet.

4.  I-10, I-80, and I-90.

5.  Eight.

6.  Hartford, Connecticut; Dover, Delaware; Boston, Massachusetts; and Richmond Virginia.

7.  Juneau, Alaska. It covers an area of 3,108 square miles. Rhode Island covers 1214 square miles.

8.  New Orleans

9.  13: The entire states of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa and Nebraska; and parts of Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota and Minnesota.

10. Boonesborough.

Lets end last week and begin the new week with a few laughs.  As you all know I’m a sucker for limericks.  I’ve made a point of collecting as many of them as possible, both funny and filthy.   Some I’ll forward along but even for the likes of me the language on some others is a little rough.

I thought today I would send a few your way written by children.  I was amazed by their creativity and the complexity of their work.

There was a young girl called Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet,
She’d sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.

Two brothers called Reggie and Fred
Chased a fierce-looking wasp from their bed;
Said Fred: “It’s gone. How?”
Said Reg: “Don’t look now . . .
”But it’s sitting on top of your head!”

There was an old prophet called Jonah
who said sailing a ship from Ancona;
One day, in a gale,
He was ate by a whale,
and sicked up on the beach in a coma.

A jolly old fellow in red
Set his reindeer on full-speed ahead;
And all in one night,
Much faster than light,
Left presents round everyone’s bed!

There’s a witch in our village called Joyce
Who is cursed with a hideous voice;
But, please, don’t assume
She rides round on a broom,
She’s rich, and she drives a Rolls-Royce!

They’re well on their way to becoming the next generation who will eventually write all those dirty little ones I love so much.  Don’t you just love tradition?  I can’t end this posting until I give you one little off-color limerick to jump-start your day.

There was a young man named McBride,
who could fart anytime that he tried;
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified!

Have a great day!  For those of you in Israel, I hope you scored higher than you anticipated. Remember those bonus points I  mentioned.

11-07-2013 Here’s Johnnnnny!   1 comment

I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does.  I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.

A  few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap.  After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention.  It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.  I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.

I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever.  I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar.  Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why.  Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that.  And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”

After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone.  It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again.  Take a look.

  • “I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
  • “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
  • “The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
  • “Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
  • “Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
  • “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

Man, I really miss that guy.  Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day.  Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:

There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.

My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.

A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”

There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”

They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones.  Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find.  I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.

10-31-2013 Butt Lift Complications   2 comments

Now that most of the drama is over concerning my broken leg it’s time to get back to the serious business of blogging.  This country is on the road to Obamacare whether we like it or not.   The country was fed a bill of goods and we  and our children and grandchildren will now pay for that mistake.  There’s nothing all that funny about  it except for this article I found recently.  This is the kind of thing we can look forward to dealing with on a regular basis once Obamacare is in full swing.

* * *

Update on Nancy’s Surgery

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know our friend Nancy went in for a Butt Lift surgical procedure using the ObamaCare Medical Plan.

She didn’t have the most pleasant experience and should have just left well enough alone. We wanted to show you the results so you’ll have some idea of  the quality of care you’ll receive from the Affordable Healthcare Act(ObamaCare).

Please . . Whatever you do DO NOT get a Butt Lift through the ObamaCare Medical Plan.  The ObamaCare qualified Doctor who handled Nancy’s surgery was a 3rd year foreign exchange medical student making 12 bucks an hour.

BUTTLIFT

You’ve been warned!

I also found these two limericks which I thought were poignant and conveyed my thoughts perfectly on Obama.  They were obtained from a web site that held an Obama limerick contest.  Thanks to these creative individuals for giving me a chuckle or two.  I hope you enjoy them as well.

Submitted by surfdt
He promised us change and we got it
Though not quite the way that we thought it
To his left he owes debt
To his right, deep regret
And our kids will be broke cause we bought it.

Submitted by Ed Coyne
There once was a man from Nantucket
OBAMA SUCKS!
(Sorry, I’ve just never been good at rhyming)

10-26-2013 One Year Anniversary   Leave a comment

I’ll begin celebrating today after posting this blog entry.  When I retired the Anti-Stupidity Blog one year ago I challenged myself to start a new blog and to write for one year, 365 posts, without missing a day and not using graphics, catchy and cutesy headlines or photographs.   It sounded easy at the time but it was anything but. 

I needed a lot of willpower but after the first six months my reserve of motivation was almost exhausted.  I worked through it and today that challenge and goal have been met. 

I’ll start fresh on October 27th (tomorrow) with an better outlook and a return to what some consider normalcy in blogging.  I’ll use the occasional photograph or two in the future but not gratuitously. The majority of these photo’s will be those I’ve taken myself.  I’ll be adding a word or two in addition to the date to indicate the general content of each post.  Since I’ve become somewhat addicted to this style of posting it will continue this way for the foreseeable future. 

I’m looking forward to the next year and I hope you are as well.  Tomorrow will be the start of something a little different but the endless quantities of totally useless information will continue.  The trivia quizzes will return and number of new twists can be expected there.  I’ll continue to comment on celebrities and their unusual activities, other inappropriate humor, and as many dirty and filthy limericks as I can find or create.  I’ll do the occasional book review and anything else that catches my fancy. 

The world is my oyster and I’ll keep searching for those proverbial pearls of wisdom to pass on to you.  Onward and Upward!

06-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks.  I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible.  I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.

I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.

I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me.  Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean.  I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty.  Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.

  • ‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
    A new value of pi to assign.
    I would fix it at 3,
    For it’s simpler, you see,
    Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.

  • God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
    But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
    We trust that the story
    Will end in great glory,
    But at present the other side’s winning.

I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.

  • There was a Young Man from Kent
    Whose Rod was so long it bent.
    So to save himself trouble
    He bent it in double,
    And instead of coming, he went!
  • An epileptic young woman named Camp
    Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
    But the first time he squeezed her
    She had a Grand Mal seizure
    And broke both his balls and a lamp.
  • There was a young lady from Nizes
    whose breasts were two different sizes.
    One was so small
    it was nothing at all,
    but the other was huge and won prizes.
  • There was a young lady named Hilda
    Who went driving one night with a builda.
    He said that he should
    That he could and he would,
    And he did and it pretty near killda.

Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks.  I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found.  I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.

Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.

  • There once was a man from Maine
    To whom life seemed a mere game
    He blogged and he blogged
    Till his brain became clogged
    With comments received from the lame
  • Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
    But the author’s  been in a real fog
    The writing comes easy
    But at times can turn sleazy
    Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog

If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can.  Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like.  Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.

Posted June 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sex, Useless Crap

Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

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