Archive for the ‘johnny carson’ Tag

11-07-2013 Here’s Johnnnnny!   1 comment

I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does.  I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.

A  few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap.  After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention.  It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.  I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.

I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever.  I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar.  Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why.  Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that.  And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”

After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone.  It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again.  Take a look.

  • “I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
  • “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
  • “The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
  • “Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
  • “Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
  • “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

Man, I really miss that guy.  Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day.  Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:

There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.

My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.

A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”

There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”

They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones.  Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find.  I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.

08-20-2013   Leave a comment

I love supplying all of you with tons of useless trivia but today I think I’ll change things up a little.  I’ll be asking the questions and hopefully some of you will supply the correct answers.

We’ve all been raised sitting in front of the television and I don’t see that lessening any time soon.  With the addition of smartphones and tablets it should increase every year for the foreseeable future.

With that in mind I’m supply you with twenty trivia questions concerning television over the last fifty years.  Let’s see just how well you can do with them.  I’ll supply the answers tomorrow and you can see just how well or how badly you’ve done. Lets begin.

* * *

  1. What are the names of the two old codgers who wisecrack from their box seats on the Muppet Show?
  2. What was Johnny Carson’s famous reply when a reporter asked what he would his epithet to be?
  3. What 1949 television program was the very first coast-to-coast network show?
  4. Who played Beau Maverick on the TV western comedy series Maverick?
  5. What were the only words spoken by Clarabell the clown on the Howdy Doody Show?
  6. What was the address of Big Birds nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
  7. What popular stand-up comic turned down the role of Trapper John McIntyre in the TV sitcom M*A*S*H before Wayne Rogers signed on for the part?
  8. How many opening monologues did Johnny Carson deliver during his 30 years as host of the Tonight Show?
  9. What role did Art Carney play in Jackie Gleason’s very first Honeymooners sketch?

10.  Who was the first mystery guest to appear on the TV quiz show What’s My Line in 1950?

11.  What TV sitcom family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

12.  What was the theme song Jack Benny played off-key on his violin?

13.  What character actress provides the voice of mother Marge on TVs animated sitcom The Simpsons?

14.  What car did TVs Archie Bunker recall fondly in “Those Were the Days”, the theme song of the sitcom All in the Family?

15.  On what TV show did Robert Guillaume first portray the sharp-witted, sharp-tongued butler Benson?

16.  Who played Kato, the faithful Philippine valet-chauffeur, on the TV show The Green Hornet?

17.  Who portrayed Arnold Ziffel on Green Acres, the late 1960s TV sitcom that starred Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor?

18.  How many cases did Perry Mason lose in the nine seasons Raymond Burr appeared on TV as the ace defensive lawyer?

19.  What were the names of the three sons in the TV sitcom My Three Sons, which featured Fred Mc Murray as widower Steve Douglas?

20. What is the meaning of kemo sabe the words Tonto used to address the Lone Ranger?

Bonus Question (Worth 2 Points): What actress’s unpublished home telephone number did comedienne Joan Rivers give out on national TV in 1986 when she was hosting The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers?

So how do you think you did? I won’t tell you my score because it sucked.  I thought I knew a lot but once again I may have been mistaken.  The answers will follow tomorrow.

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