Archive for the ‘jay leno’ Tag

12-21-2013 More Holiday Humor   Leave a comment

Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching.   I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness.  Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.

Christmas

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.  Bernard Manning

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.  Joan Rivers

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.  P.J. O’Rourke

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.  Dave Barry

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.  Johnny Carson

I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times.  Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.

New Year’s

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.  Bill Vaughn

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.  P.J. O’Rourke

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.  Jay Leno

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous

It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.  William Thomas

The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.  W.H. Auden

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.  James Agee

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.  Anonymous

Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.  Benjamin Franklin

I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.  Robert Paul

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.  Oprah Winfrey

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.  Oscar Wilde

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.  Anais Nin

THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

11-14-2013 The Basics of Obamacare   Leave a comment

The business of being a one-legged invalid continues.  It’s been two weeks since the accident and I’m going out of my  mind being trapped in this house.  I’m spending a great deal of time surfing the net but even that wears on you after a while.  I’m also sick and tired of hearing about Obama and Obamacare.

It’s always been said that you can tell how a politician or his programs are really doing just by listening to the late night comedians.  For years that’s been a much more accurate way to gauge things than polling.  Why spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year of our hard earned tax dollars on polling when you all you really need to do is tune in and listen to Jay Leno’s monologues.

I loved Johnny Carson’s ability to slam and ridicule politicians with a grin on his face and his audience laughing their collective asses off.  In some ways Leno and his writers are almost as good.  They never miss an opportunity to cut through the administrations BS and get to the real point in a funny manner. To me and millions of others this Obamacare program isn’t the least bit funny but as a last resort I’ll take the truth anyway I can find it.  Here’s a collection of some recent Jay Leno one-liners that explain Obama and Obamacare perfectly.  They’re funny and sad at the same time.

  • "The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That’s false, of course. The president says they’re trying to correct it, but his website people can’t seem to log on."
  • "President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he’s getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage."
  • "President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare."
  • "According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare."
  • "Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful."
  • "There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered."
  • "For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing."
  • "The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal."
  • "Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in."
  • "I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em."
  • "According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to."
  • "We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick."
  • "Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath.’"
  • "The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?"
  • "The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you ‘might’ be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything."
  • "President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing."
  • "This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down."
  • "Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare."
  • "If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life."

You have to admit that hearing about one of the worst political nightmares to hit this country in decades is best done with humor.  It’s way better than listening to me whine and cry and reiterate my feelings for this failed Presidency.

11-07-2013 Here’s Johnnnnny!   1 comment

I miss a lot of people who’ve passed through my life over the years as I’m sure everyone does.  I also miss people I never had the pleasure of meeting but enjoyed their talents so much they became part of my family and my reality.

A  few days ago I was sitting in my favorite chair with my leg elevated and began surfing around the channels looking for anything that was wasn’t a rerun or just plain crap.  After a while I happened upon an infomercial that for the first time actually caught my eye and held my full attention.  It was an advertisement for a collection of old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.  I laughed a bit but was especially surprised to see my all time favorite TV personality make an appearance, Johnny Carson.

I watched his Tonight Show as often as possible for more more years than I care to admit and in my opinion he was the all time funniest bastard ever.  I like Leno but he barely registers on my radar.  Letterman in my opinion has always been overrated and I don’t understand why.  Jimmy Kimmel has his moments but not much more than that.  And a personal message for Arsenio Hall, “Please just go away, once and for all, just go away.”

After a little looking around I did find a few quotations and comments made by Johnny over the years that I think will tickle your funny bone.  It was fun reading them and getting to enjoy his humor once again.  Take a look.

  • “I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight’s monologue is going to come back as a dog.”
  • “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”
  • “The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over $200.”
  • “Thanksgiving is in emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once year is way too often.”
  • “Any time four New Yorkers get into Together without arguing, a bank robbery is just taken place.”
  • “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

Man, I really miss that guy.  Now I think it’s time for a few limericks to brighten up your day.  Here are a few off-color ones you might enjoy:

There once was a harlot at Yale,
With her price list tattooed on her tail;
and on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had its emblazoned in Braille.

My dear, you looks simply divine,
And I know that we’ll get along fine;
For making ends meet
Will be such a treat,
When one is yours, and ones mine.

A mortician, practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife;
”I couldn’t know, Judge:
She was cold and didn’t budge
The same as she acted in life!”

There once was a young fellow from Cass
whose balls were made out of brass;
When they tinkled together,
They played “Stormy Weather”,
And lightning shot out of his ass!”

They probably weren’t as filthy as you expected but I hesitate to reprint the really nasty ones.  Maybe one day I’ll just put together a list of the dirtiest and most disgusting ones I can find.  I hate to admit to having a sense of humor that even appreciates that kind of funny but I do.

07-29-2013   2 comments

Since this week has been so traumatic and disturbing I’ve decided to lay some more really useless information on you.  I’m just not up to writing anything too serious today because I’m still a little unfocused with everything that’s been going on.  These facts are somewhat odd but still interesting and I hope you enjoy them.

  • Cats urine glows under a black light.
  • Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there’s a superman somewhere.
  • Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
  • Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
  • 91% of Americans lie daily.
  • When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • On a Canadian 2 dollar bill the flag flying over the parliament building appears to be an American flag. It’s actually Canada’s earlier flag of the Red Ensign.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • Sloths are actually fast, they just prefer to move at a slow pace.
  • There are only two families who produced a father and son who were US presidents: Bush and Adams.
  • A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
  • Humans and horses are the only two animals that have hymens.
  • Polish is the only word in the English language that has two completely different meanings when the first letter is capitalized.
  • The longest word in the English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
  • Margaret Kerry was the live action model for Walt Disney’s Tinkerbell.
  • The average human lies at least twice a day.
  • Before Late Night Television, Jay Leno appeared in an episode of Laverne and Shirley.
  • In "American Graffiti", the license plate on Richard Dreyfusses’ car is changed every time you see it.

That should just about do it for today.  I’m on my way to begin the search for another vehicle for the better-half.  She’s still in morning for the loss of her little yellow car and the only way to help her along is to find another car as soon as possible.  I’m actually surprised she didn’t want to bring the remains home so we could bury it in the yard next to our previous pets.  She gets attached to the weirdest crap.  It can be amazing, unbelievable, and disturbing all at the same time.

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