Archive for the ‘pearls of wisdom’ Tag

12/28/2023 “Humor Countdown – 3 Days left”   Leave a comment

Quote of the Day

“Three may keep a Secret if two of them are dead.”

Benjamin Franklin

🤪🤪🤪

Joke of the Day #1

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting that would be related to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher began calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a little crude. Eventually his turn came, and Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, and then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him what that dot meant. “It’s a period,” reported Johnny. “Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?” “Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then my daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

☘️☘️☘️

Limerick of the Day

There was a young lady, named Frances,

Who decided to better her chances,

By cleverly adding

Appropriate padding,

To enlarge her protuberances!

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Joke of the Day #2

News Flash: Today the world was stunned by the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was thirty six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, “Pinkie” as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation. Apparently, someone put the bunny’s batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming . . .

🤗🤗🤗

Wisdom of the Day

Much learning does not teach understanding.

10/14/2023 “More Pearls”   Leave a comment

Let’s start this post with a statement of obvious fact:

“Organic gardening is a lot of shit.”

Now we can move on to some humor for all of you card playing fanatics out there:

Mr. Jones had come home from a hard day of work and was appalled when his wife reminded him that they had arranged to visit a friend’s house for dinner and bridge. “I’m too tired to budge”, he protested. “It can’t be helped”, said Mrs. Jones, her eyes turning dangerous. So, Jones was forced to shower, change clothes, and drag himself off to the friend’s house. In the bridge game he was paired off with the hostess and then proceeded to play one lousy game after another, so that he and the hostess lost steadily. Finally, he got up and muttered, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” He didn’t bother to close the door of the bathroom, and the sound of water trickling into water was clear and distinct. Mrs. Jones, totally embarrassed said, “Please excuse my husband. He’s had a very hard day.” The hostess then said, “No need for excuses. I don’t mind. This is the first moment since we started playing bridge tonight that I knew what he had in his hand.”

Since I love history, here is an interesting backstory I thought I’d share with you:

George IV of Great Britain hated his wife with growing intensity, and she returned it with interest. There were prolonged and rather disgusting divorce proceedings between them, and the entire British nation took an emotional part in it. When Napoleon died at St. Helena in 1821, the news was immediately brought to George IV’s attention. “Our greatest enemy is dead”, he was told. “Oh, is she?”, smiled George.

And of course, here is the expected and gratuitous limerick:

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,

Who thought she was shrewd, but I was shrewder.

She thought it quite crude

To be wooed in the nude.

I was cruder, pursued her, and eventually screwed’er

YOU MUST BE FEELING SMARTER ALREADY

10-19-2013   Leave a comment

I consider myself a reasonable person with enough life experience to speak on any number of subjects.  I’m like a of lot of you out there, I think I ‘m a freaking philosopher as well.  The only difference is that most of the time I keep my philosophic thoughts to myself unless asked.  I really dislike people who feel the need to preach at me without prompting on their thoughts on every little thing. They love explaining in great detail how to date, who to marry, how to raise children, how to eat properly, and on and on and on.  Those people like nothing better than to "beat my ear" with what they think is the final word on everything.  My first thought is to tell them to shut up and go away but being that frank with people these days is frowned upon. Decades of politically correct indoctrination has created this know-it-all condition in far too many people.

I can shovel out the blarney with the best of them but I realize that being an annoying prick is not on my bucket list.  I’ll be the first person to admit if I need help or advice and I’ll ask for it. While I don’t like asking there are times when I must.  You just have to remember that by the simple fact of asking you put yourself in the line of fire for way more information that you’ll ever need or want.  It’s just the nature of the beast but it does requires that you stand there and listen to their advice no  matter how stupid or inane it may be. So, rule number one: Only ask for advice as a last resort and be absolutely sure you’re asking the right person.  You might be better off making a mistake than opening yourself up to the thoughts of a person whose own life experience is somewhat limited.

I’m open to the philosophy of others but prefer to read it rather than listen to it.  Over the years I’ve collected different thoughts, statements and quotations, both humorous and serious, that I thought were interesting.  Today I’ll pass along some of them to you. You have the option of reading them or not, it’s your choice. I’m making these tidbits available as a service that requires no additional conversation with me whatsoever.

  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

I hope these little pearls of wisdom will aid you in your search for answers to all those questions we struggle with.  Some are funny but none the less true.