Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag

07/27/2021  Post Pandemic Courtesy   Leave a comment

Being the cynical bastard that I am and having less love for our human race than most, makes this topic concern even me.  Most of my life and career has been involved with close personal communications (interviews and interrogations) with hosts of diverse individuals. I’ve been able thanks to years of training and experience to read them exceeding well, hence my overall dislike of so many. Granted a majority of people come across in a good way but once pressures and stresses are introduced to the mix, all of the negative reactions become easily recognizable.  My educated guess is that the best people are those with a much stronger control of their basic instincts.  I can’t blame the negatives on emotion alone because we all deal with them equally. 

The Pandemic has brought us all to the emotional edge in a number of ways through intense worry and fear. It’s interesting in the extreme to recognize both the good and the bad effects and who handles them the best.  I won’t even try to explain the negative behaviors of people whose lives are completely consumed by politics and the media.  They come to this discussion already biased and flawed.  Then we have the medical professionals and first responders who as they always do show us the way things should be done.  Compassion, caring, and fearlessness are their norm.  A few bad apples have been observed through this horrible period but overall we as a people owe them praise and thanks. Fortunately the negative and selfish people with concerns only for their personal agendas are easily and quickly identified. I’m not here to name names but you already know who they are if your paying the least bit of attention.

I fear that the pressure of death, serious financial ruin, job loss, and long periods of isolation have begun to take their toll on all of us.  I’ve noticed in recent weeks the edginess of ordinary citizens doing ordinary things and showing a total loss of patience for each other in a mean and nasty way. All that tells me is that the Pandemic is having a much deeper and long-term harmful effect than I first thought.  Returning to the new normal still requires a huge change for all of us from the old normal. We humans are not big fans of change, large or small.  This intolerance for each other will hopefully wan as time goes on but who knows for sure. We’ve been told for more than a year now to stay the hell away from each other or else. Some of the incidents I’ve observed lately fill me with doubt that there is a short term solution. We must all wait and see and then do what we can to help remedy this confusing situation.

As always I will remain the pragmatic cynic.

That being said its now time for a little humor. Anyone who follows this blog knows of my deep appreciation for really erotic limericks. I’ve delved into my archives and found this little ditty. Enjoy!

There’s a feckless young fellow named Goody

Who insists that he wouldn’t, but would he?

If he finds himself nude,

With girls in the right mood,

The question is not would he, but could he?

Surprise…it wasn’t quite as erotic or lewd as you were expecting. Next time it’ll be a doozy.

04-18-2016 Journal–Garden Fence & Humor!   Leave a comment

More aches and pains as the garden begins to take shape.  I’m trying to do as much work on it as I possibly can as early as I can. Last years efforts were almost ruined because I waited until the last minute to do much of the small things that are necessary.  Learning from my mistakes is absolutely essential if I’m to have the garden I want.

Yesterday was another chilly morning but I was up and at it earlier than usual. I picked up my supplies the day before from Home Depot, the only store in the area that carried the type of fencing I needed.  Here is the before photo on the newly completed frame without the fencing.

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The fencing is made for controlling small animals such as rabbits and skunks which are my main problem. We have larger game in the area but they’ve never ben a problem for me. Fortunately I have a nearby neighbor with fruit trees and the deer love their fruit.  The insist on visiting him on a regular basis and leaving me alone.

After an hour or so of cursing and swearing my job was completed.  That should keep the little buggers out of the garden this year. I really dislike killing any animals so the cost of the fence is worth it to keep me guilt free.  Here’s the photo of the completed fence.

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If the weather warms up a little in the coming days I can drag out my rototiller to loosen up the soil. Then I can lay down the fabric into the frames which eliminates weeding completely because I hate weeding.

How about a little garden humor to start your day . . .

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen.  There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it.  So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”  Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off.  Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”  Well, what the heck?   She does it.  The next day her neighbor asks how it worked.  "So-so,” she answers,  "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

Here’s a salute to everyone’s favorite redneck gardener, Jeff Foxworthy . . .

You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:

 
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve even cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup. 
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower. 
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.

And finally here is a cute limerick which any Maine gardener will appreciate . . .

I ordered some new bulbs by mail

and tried to grow orchids large scale

exotics won’t grow

under three feet of snow

or battered with blizzards and hail!

C’MON WARM WEATHER

10-18-2014 Journal Entry-Some Peace, No Quiet!   Leave a comment

One of the reason I love living in southern Maine is the peace and quiet. There are days when the quiet is absolute except for a few cars occasionally whizzing by. This road we live on has been a nightmare for years and in the winter accidents occur in and around our home quite often. It has quite the collection of potholes of every size and shape along with frost heaves  to make things really interesting. For those of you that don’t know, a frost heave is a large mound that erupts beneath the road when the ground begins to freeze in the Fall.   Our normal flat potholed road turns into a an amusement park ride. Living here requires that we develop and maintain a good relationship with a  competent mechanic. I average a front-end wheel alignment every two years and that doesn’t include the costs for damage to wheel rims and tires. Once Spring arrives the road immediately returns to normal.

I was awakened this morning when my bed and house began vibrating and shaking. At first I thought we were having one of our occasional earthquakes but a glance out the front window explained everything. There was a gigantic machine rolling down the road, spitting smoke in every direction, chewing up asphalt and spitting out a fine black powder.

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Apparently the town fathers finally decided to pave our  road and of course never notified anyone who lives here.  Just one big noisy machine after another beginning a 7 am and lasting  the entire day. For most of the day I was forced to stay at home because my driveway was blocked at first by a dump truck and then later by a huge ten ton roller. I was thrilled to see my tax dollars working for me for the first time in a long while. Since Maine is known for it’s over the top approach to spending taxes on welfare for illegals, I never thought it would ever happen so I was stunned. I had finally won the tax lottery.

Here are a series of photos of the big project  from start to finish.

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Here’s my reward for you for being made to look at my boring pictures.  It’s a limerick I wrote with all of the liberals politicians in mind who are determined to oust Republican governor LePage.   It would be oh so sweet if LePage was reelected. It would make them crazy and hopefully send them right over the edge once again.

There once were politicians from Maine

Who in truth were a liberal pain.

They smile and they lie

But  as hard as they try,

They’re too  dumb to get out of the rain.

10-24-2013   Leave a comment

It’s time for all of you sports experts out there to find out how well or how badly you’ve done? Here are the promised answers that I intend to memorize for my own uses in our local tavern’s weekly trivia contest.  One of these days these factoids will finally pay off and win me a beer or two or three.

* * *

1.  The referee’s yellow flag. Taylor said he felt he deserved it because the ref’s “ threw it against me”  often enough.

2.  Tennis, at the 1900 games in Paris. Charlotte Cooper of Great Britain was the first gold medalist.

3.  New York Giant knuckleballer week Hoyt Wilhelm, in 1952.

4.  Jim Thorpe, in 1970. He did it a second time in 1919. Deion Sanders was the second athlete to accomplish the feat 70 years later, in 1989.

5.  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with 4657. Other career records he holds include number of minutes played (57,446), points scored (38,387), and field goals scored (15,837). He played from 1969 to 1989.

6.  O.J. Simpson, who racked up 2003 yards for Buffalo in 1973, breaking the previous record of 1863 yards set 10 years earlier by Jim Brown.

7.  Five.

8.  The red brick tenement that was his boyhood home once stood on the site of second base at Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.

9.  Rookie Willie Mays.

10. “Little Warrior”. O’Neal is 7’1" tall.

* * *

Here’s the obligatory joke of the day.  Those of us who are historically Microsoft customers will really appreciate this.

* * *

Microsoft vs. General Motors

A few years ago at a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repaint the lines in the road, you’ll have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Apple Inc. will make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.  You’d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

* * *

And finally for those of you that love limericks and beer, here’s a rather tame one proving once and for all that it’s possible for limericks to be funny without being too filthy.

There once was a girl named Ann Heuser,

Who swore that no man could surprise her.

But Pabst took a chance,

Found a Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.

10-05-2013   Leave a comment

For me this is a slow day.  I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday.  It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens.  Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge.  When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible.  Let’s see how you did:

1.  New Orleans

2.  Miss Piggy

3.  Shredded Wheat in 1882

4.  10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.

5.  97%

6.  The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.

7.  The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.

8.  Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.

9.  Refrigerators

10. The fork.

* * *

Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.

Job Interview

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."

* * *

Was  I wrong Seniors?  That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences.  I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses.  Oh well, I can dream can’t I?

Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country.  He thought it was humorous and so did I.

* * *

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

* * *

One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:

There once was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.

* * *

And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog.  Welcome aboard!  Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.

Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.

09-28-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve decided today will be all about our very first visit from the Good Humor Man.  If I dare write about politics or religion I almost always piss someone off including myself at times. With the country’s current list of ugly situations such as a confused president, a borderline bad economy, illegal immigration issues, constant threats of war, our eroding inalienable rights, destructive healthcare plans, and terrorism there isn’t much left to laugh about.

I’ve always been an observer of people and that includes myself.  I’ve noticed in recent months that the only successful way to maintain my mental health and general well being is to "bury my head in the sand" and IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.  For years I’ve been out there shouting, screaming, bitching, moaning and criticizing the never ending idiocy that is the human condition. What have I accomplished, not one damn thing. Learning how to ignore or zone-out some of this stuff has gone a long way to improving my life.

I thank my better-half for all her help in assisting and motivating me to learn some really important  zoning-out techniques.  It was just a recent fluke that got me to thinking that those simple yet effective techniques just might work with everyone and everything else as well. After that major epiphany my life suddenly took a turn for the better.  I stopped watching and listening to TV and radio newscasts because I totally disagree with their liberal agendas. The Internet news sites like The Drudge Report after a period of time have morphed slowly into versions of the same bad news bearers, death, destruction, and politics that I shied away from on TV and radio.  The talking heads from both political persuasions have become a constant drumbeat of opinions that I think are crap.

In order to keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart I have to ignore these idiots and their idiotic opinions.  I’m slowly discovering that many of my own opinions make much more sense than theirs.  Since they don’t wish to listen to mine or to use any sort of common sense in creating their own, I’m zoning them out. Today is a perfect day for our first visit from Mr. Good Humor. He always seems to bring with him a few items that will put a smile on our faces and help us forget the load of crap we are slowly being inundated with. Enjoy these funny, sometimes off-color jokes, limericks, and stories and try smiling a little. 

There’s plenty of sand here on my beach for all of us to bury our heads in.

* * *

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that’s great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming" If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!"

* * *

There once was a man named Barack
Whose re-election came as a shock
He raised the taxes we pay,
and then helped turned marriage gay
And now he’s coming after our Glock

* * *

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

* * *

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it ‘tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style? Have you done it up a mile?

Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother’s couch? Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care?

 

Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows. Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is thy Purity.

Are you smiling yet?

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