Archive for the ‘limerick’ Tag
Well the weather has taken an unfriendly turn into winter. The electric blanket has been officially plugged in and the heavy clothing is being unpacked and aired out. I have the distinct feeling that this winter may be one to remember and I hope I’m wrong. Rather than thinking thoughts of the coming winter I’ll do as I always do – POST MORE LIMERICKS. I’ve dug into the archives once again to retrieve a few winners that should not be read by the youngsters. I’d rate these as PG or worse. Here goes nothing . . .
💥
1941
There once was jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
He took down her pants,
Screwed her into a trance,
And then shit in her shoe for a joke.
💥💥
1938
There was a young girl of cape Cod
Who dreamt she’d been buggered by God.
But it wasn’t Jehovah
That turned the girl over,
“Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
The bugger, the bastard, the sod!”
💥💥💥
1946
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire a shit out of malice.
While that worthy name fits
The team still got eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
💥💥💥💥
1943
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
YOU CAN’T HAVE TOO MANY LIMERICKS
I have to admit that most of my readers are rather particular about the limericks I post. Of all of my posts, the dirtiest limericks seem to get the most views while the readership lessens considerably the cleaner the limericks become. That should tell me something about my readers but I’m not actually sure what that is. Todays offerings contain some really old limericks that concern sexual DISEASES. That’s all I’m saying, see what you think.
💥
1928
There was a young priest of Dundee
Who went to the back of the parish to pee.
He said, “Pax Vobiscum”
Why doesn’t the piss come?
I must have the C, L, A, P.
💥💥
1879
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, “Rose,
It’s the crabs I suppose.”
She said, “Yes, and the buggers are itching.”
💥💥💥
1942
The wife of a Viking in Norway
Was caught taking a nap in a doorway.
“When you make the attack,
Let it be from the back,
Because lately the front way’s the sore way.”
💥💥💥💥
1941
A charming young lady named Randall
Had a clap that the doctors couldn’t handle.
So this lovely, forlorn floozie,
With her poor, damaged coosie,
Must take her delight with a candle.
❤️❤️❤️
And here’s a poetic favorite of mine from 1944.
There was a young lady named Lee
Whose favors were frequent and free,
And pants-pigeons flew
Where her goose-berries grew,
And some of them flew onto me.
❤️❤️❤️
I’M LOVIN LIMERICKS
Are you ready for a new batch of disturbing, disgusting, and naughty limericks? One of my biggest problems in posting limericks is that I have thousands of them available but in most cases they are extremely difficult to categorize. I made the ultimate sacrifice recently and forced myself to read hundreds of limericks and to try and establish some sort of categories. Todays post will include limericks concerning Sex Substitutes. These will be copied directly from my collections with rather blunt, off-color, and the occasional appropriate profanity. These will be rated “R”, so keep the youngsters away. Lets get rolling . . .
💥
There was a young girl of Batonger,
Who used to diddle herself with a conger.
When asked how it feels
to be pleasured by eels,
She said, “Just like a man but longer”.
💥💥
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jackoff the men that she loves,
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
💥💥💥
There was a young parson named Goring
Who made a small hole in the flooring.
He lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
💥💥💥💥
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn’t keep
His nose out of their private affairs.
💥❤️💥❤️💥
MORE TO CUM
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
💥
There was a young lady who wouldn’t
Her mother had told her she shouldn’t.
When dear mama died
She felt free. So she tried,
But by then she was so old she couldn’t.
💥💥
Cleopatra, when sex was new to her,
Kept buying up young slaves to tutor her.
But the Pharoah (her dad),
For fear she’d go bad,
Kept rendering them neuterer neuterer.
💥💥💥
A fallen young lady of fashion
Gave vents to all sorts of base passion.
Was she scorned? She was not,
For her ways brought a lot
Of highly respectable cash in.
💥💥💥💥
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez.
He still tossed and turned
Half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
SPECIAL THANKS TO JOHN CIARDI
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
💥(1941)
There was a young man from St. Kitt
Who was screwing a spinster, but quit.
Said she, “Don’t be scary,
Its only my cherry,”
But he said, “It feels more like a pit.”
💥💥(1928)
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who determined that no man should know her.
One fellow tried
But she wiggled aside,
And spilled all the spermatozoa.
💥💥💥(1927)
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he’d never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
💥💥💥💥(1941)
A certain young man of St.Paul
Consistently practiced withdrawal.
This quaint predilection
Created such friction,
He soon had no foreskin at all.
❤️❤️❤️
I HOPE THEY MADE YOU SMILE A LITTLE
I recently began rereading Isaac Azimov’s “The Foundation Series“. I’ve read it at least four or five times over the years which probably makes me a crazy rabid Azimov fan. Since I’ve lately reintroduced him to my brain, todays post will include a few of his limericks. While he was a prolific writer of books, he was also a lover of all things limerick. In company with a friend and fellow writer, John Ciardi, they’ve written hundreds of limericks both funny and many times a little bawdy. Here are a few to make you smile.
💥
There was a young woman named Betty
Who thought waterbeds rather petty.
The results were less hasty,
She thought, and more tasty,
If one screwed on a plate of spaghetti.
💥💥
A young nun from Long Beach, California,
Said, “I think it’s important to warnia
That though seeming a saint
I’ve an awful complaint,
I am just getting steadily hornia.”
💥💥💥
A certain young man was so deft
That he left his poor girl quite bereft.
He put it in slickly
Then pulled it out quickly
And before she had felt it, he’d left.
💥💥💥💥
The excitement produced by Miss Whipple
Was very much more than a ripple.
She was covered with clothes
From her head to her toes
Save for delicate holes at each nipple.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
THANK YOU ISAAC!
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
💥
1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
There was a young bounder named Link
Who possessed a very tart dink.
To sweeten it some
He steeped it in rum,
And now he’s driven the ladies to drink.
❤️❤️❤️
AAH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
💥
O Soldiers come back to us clean!
Wear rubbers – you know what I mean.
Thou I’d very much ruther
You’d bugger each other
Than any French whore that I’ve seen.
💥💥
A lady of doubtful nativity,
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity.
She could sit on the lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect Fifth Column activity.
💥💥💥
A slant-eyed young girl from Peking
Said of the Rape of Nanking,
“Every Jap in North China
Has explored my vagina,
It’s so sore I can’t pee through the thing.”
💥💥💥💥
In the Army and Navy the toast is
To the talented USO hostess
Who was diddled and screwed
While she tried to conclude
Which service she really liked mostest.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
🪖WAR TIME SENSE OF HUMOR🪖
It’s been a long week of limericks and I’ve had my fill. I enjoyed the week immensely but it has had it’s drawbacks. I still find myself at odd hours of the night and early morning lying in bed thinking about how to rhyme words. Then I start mentally composing my own limericks and it’s driving me a little nuts. Todays post should help me to clear all of those limerick cobwebs from my brain. Her we go . . .
“To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not
that it is, is false, while to say of what is that it is,
and of what is not that it is not, is true.”
(Aristotle)
I feel better now that Aristotle has explained things for me.
- In the Jurassic Park movies. the fierce Velociraptors are about as tall as an adult human. In real life, however, they were only as tall as a turkey.
- Confucius has more than three million living descendants.
- Pablo Picasso, the influential Spanish cubist, wasn’t breathing when he was born in 1881. His face was so blue that the midwife left him for dead. One of his uncles revived him by blowing cigar smoke up his nose.
- From the 1300’s to the 1600’s, the heads of England’s slain enemies – including William Wallace and Thomas More – were displayed on London Bridge.
- The first recorded mastectomy was performed in A.D. 548 on Theodora, Empress of Byzantium.
- The word “hooch” comes from the Hoochinoo Indians of Alaska. They made a liquor so strong it could knock a person out.
- Spoons were such a rare novelty in Elizabethan England that wealthy aristocrats would bring their own folding spoons to fancy banquets.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
Here is a riddle found inscribed about 3500 years ago on a stone slab. It’s mainly for my better-half who should have no problem coming up with the correct answer.
In your mouth and your urine, constantly stared at you,
the measuring vessel of your lord.
What it it?
🍺🍺🍺
BEER, OF COURSE!
It’s time to end this series of posts about limericks. It’s been fun writing and researching all of these older limericks and I’ll continue to do so with periodic posts of this type. I became enamored with limericks as a ten year old boy listening at the door of a card game while my father and his friends were playing poker. One of them recited the following limerick and I’ve never forgotten it. It imbodies everything I like in poetry. It’s both a little funny and a little bawdy. Enjoy. . .
☘️
There was a man from Cass
Whose balls were made of brass.
During inclement weather he’d rub them together
And lightning would shoot out of his ass.
☘️☘️
If you aren’t smiling at that one then limericks aren’t for you. Over the years I’ve written many myself and upset both friends and family because I lean to the bawdy side of things. The following ditty was written by me just a few days ago and it reminded just how much fun it is to create one. Here it is . . .
There once was an old man from Maine.
Whose obsession with limericks became
an excuse for the use of words like f**k it,
And he never ever visited Nantucket.
❤️❤️❤️
I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE SERIES
