Archive for the ‘quotations’ Tag

06-03-2013   2 comments

I thought I’d write a little about marriage today.  Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point.  Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days.  Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me.  I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.

As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations.  The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one.  No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves.  It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success?  I doubt it.

The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind.  Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost.  As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding.  That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.

That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm).  Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding.  Why?  I have no clue.  I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying.  Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:

I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.

I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?

I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that.  Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful.  Not fake funny like those stupid vows.

"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy

"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill

"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood

"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen

"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West

I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs.  But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it.  You can thank me later.  I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience.  Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day.  To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best.  Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other.  If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years. 

Good luck to you all.  My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas.  Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).

05-27-2013   4 comments

Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I.  I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor.  Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.

One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor.  Do they like to laugh?  Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded?  That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance.  I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair.  That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it.  I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all.  Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.

Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor.  That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet.  That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun.  That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly.  While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.

Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities.  You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.

  • “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
    ― Chris Rock
  • “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
    ― Woody Allen
  • “When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
    ― Stephen King
  • “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche
  • “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
    ― Dr. Seuss
  • “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
    ― Winston Churchill
  • “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
    ― George Burns
  • “Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
    Do you even know what that means?
    "I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
    ― Nicholas Sparks
  • “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
    ― Steven Wright
  • “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
    ― Steve Martin
  • “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
    ― Robert A. Heinlein
  • “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
    ― Woody Allen
  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
    ― Groucho Marx
  • “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
    ― W.C. Fields
  • “Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
    ― Marilyn Monroe
  • “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
    ― Albert Einstein
  • “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
    ― Oscar Levant
  • “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
    ― John Wayne
  • “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
    ― Albert Einstein
  • “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
    ― Groucho Marx
  • “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
    ― Billy Sunday
  • “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
    ― Mark Twain
  • “I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
    ― Jane Austen
  • “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
    ― Mae West
  • “Happiness is a warm puppy.”
    ― Charles M. Schulz

Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are.  It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another.  Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression.  That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.

04-10-2013   2 comments

I’ve been watching and listening to the the President and his minions for years now.  I’ve discredited him when I could and attempted to convince anyone who would listen to not give him their vote.  To those of you who refuse to see the truth then you’re obvious one of the Obama’s loyal “Kool-Aid” drinkers.  My response is for everyone to listen to our pass presidents for guidance and help in these perilous times.  Listen up!

“It will be worthy of a free, enlightened, and, at no distant period, a great nation, to give to mankind the magnanimous and too novel example of a People always guided by an exalted justice and benevolence.”

George Washington – Farewell Address 1796

“I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.”

Thomas Jefferson 1785

“The American people will ever do well if well done by.”

Abraham Lincoln 1860

“The strength of our Nation must continue to be used in the interest of all our people rather than a privileged few. It must continue to be used unselfishly in the struggle for world peace and the betterment of mankind.”

Harry S. Truman – State of the Union Jan 1949

“Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must first come to pass in the heart of America.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower – First Inaugural Address 1953

“America is a great nation today not because of what government did for people but because of what people did for themselves and one another.”

Richard M. Nixon – Beyond Peace 1994

“All great change in America begins at the dinner table.”

Ronald Reagan – Farewell Address Jan 1989

“America is never wholly herself unless she is engaged in high moral principle. We as a people have a purpose today.  It is to make kinder the face of the nation and gentler the face of the world.”

George Bush – Inaugural Address 1989

On a more happier note I’d like to welcome aboard some new followers to this blog.  Take a few minutes and check out their blogs as I regularly do.  The diversity of the WordPress community is amazing, informative. and endless. Welcome!

Food 4 the Soul 93, sammykrish994, Valeriu D. G. Barbu, prophetbrahmarishi, Joe Warnimont, rnwdgaf, Guerrilla Graffiti Magazine, Book Hub Inc, dasitton309, sipoffashion, spygarden, kirstywirsty, and more-sprinkles.

11-20-2012   2 comments

I’m a loyal and patriotic American as most of us are. The discussions I’ve been listening to recently and that many people are dwelling on are serious matters as they’ve always been.  Are we in decline?  Is the younger generations capable of taking over and keeping America strong? Why does everyone in the world hate us?  I’m not here to answer those questions or to solve those problems. I’m here mainly to convey my thoughts and the thoughts of other Americans and non-Americans who’ve had something to say about these same matters in the past.

The results of this last election were an eye opener for me as I’ve mentioned before.  Many millions of voters feel betrayed when so many of their fellow citizens were bamboozled by the Obama propaganda machine and just don’t seem to care about the welfare of the country.  Well people, I’m here to tell you that it’ll take more than Obama and a handful of well placed Democrats to destroy this nation.  I admit they’ve been working extremely hard to do as much damage as possible but since it’s been done within the laws of the land (for the most part) that’s their right to do so. They can’t do much more than we permit them to do. The bottom line is that long after all of them and all of us are gone this country will be rolling along like nothing happened.

Sit down, relax, and listen in.

       

  • "The American dream is not over, America is an adventure." Theodore White

  • "What is the essence of America? Finding and maintaining that perfect, delicate balance between freedom "to" and freedom "from." Marilyn Vos Savant

  • "America is a place where Jewish merchants sell Zen love beads to agnostics for Christmas." John Burton Brimer

  • "What’s right with America is a willingness to discuss what’s wrong with America." Harry C Bauer

  • "America did not invent human rights. In a very real sense, it is the other way around. Human rights invented America." Jimmy Carter

  • "The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities-a sense of humor and a sense of proportion." Franklin Delano Roosevelt

  • "Every generation of Americans needs to know that freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought." Pope John Paul II

  • "My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular." Adlai E Stevenson

  • "Those who profess to favor freedom and yet depreciate agitation are men who want rain without thunder and lightning." Frederick Douglass

  • "A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." Dwight D Eisenhower

  • "Where the press is free and every man able to read, all is safe." Thomas Jefferson

  • "Patriotism is not so much protecting the land of our fathers as preserving the land of our children." José Ortega y Gasset

     

I couldn’t have said it any better.  Four years to a new regime and hopefully a better outcome.

Posted November 22, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Bitch & Complain

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