Archive for the ‘mae west’ Tag

11/15/2022 “Female Wisdom”   Leave a comment

I collect many books of odd and interesting information but a few weeks ago I found something in a box that surprised me. Stuck between two other stacks of papers was a small paperback book of only 63 pages. It is titled Womens Wit and Wisdom and was published in 2000. One chapter caught my eye concerning quotations from various women from various years with their thoughts on Life. Here are a few.

  • “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard there’s nothing you can do.” Golda Meir 1973
  • “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Lucille Ball 1989
  • “I was thirty-seven when I went to work writing my column. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck 1979
  • “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” Coco Chanel 1956
  • “It is better to be looked over than overlooked.” Mae West 1967

  • “Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.” Lillian Hellman 1939
  • “At the end of your life you will never regret not having passed one more test, winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret the time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend or parent.” Barbara Bush 1990
  • “Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.” Carol Burnett 1986
  • “Suddenly you find at the age of fifty, that a whole new life has opened before you, as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.” Agatha Christie 1977″
  • “My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges and enabled me to walk serene and happy in a shadow cast by my deprivation.” Helen Keller 1903

I’M GLAD I FOUND THIS BOOK

📣Quotation Alert📣   Leave a comment

“Between two evils, I always pick

the one I never tried before.”

Mae West (August 17, 1893 – November 22, 1980) was an American actress who worked in vaudeville and later in movies. She is best remembered for her dirty jokes and comedy movies. Her name when she was born was Mary Jane West. She was born in Brooklyn, New York City, and died in Hollywood, California.

09/16/2021 Favorite Sayings & Quotes   Leave a comment

For years I’ve collected lists, sayings, and quotations. The more I find, the more you get to read. One of these days I’m going to sit down and put together some of my thoughts, my limericks, and my musings. They’re sure to be just as interesting as these folks. And in

  • It’s not death that alarms me, but dying surely does.
  • A diplomat is a person who always remembers a woman’s birthday, but never her age.
  • In wine there is truth. Pliny the Elder
  • It’s not the men in my life I worry about, it’s the life in my men. Mae West
  • I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money. Will Rogers
  • Fish and guests smell in three days. Ben Franklin
  • A pessimist thinks all women are bad and an optimist hopes they are.
  • The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while masturbating.
  • Sex is only dirty, if it’s done right.
  • A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • I prefer an interesting device to a boring virtue.
  • What goes around, comes around.
  • He who hesitates is last. Mae West
  • Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Gloria Steinem
  • I am not young enough to know everything.
  • The zoo is a place of refuge were savage beasts are protected from people.

I found this list while digging around in some old boxes a few days ago. I eliminated a few that were dated like cheap shots at Bill Clinton. But those that remain I felt were worth sharing with you. Most of them I absolutely love especially those pearls of wisdom supplied by Mae West. Would’ve loved to have met her.

GO WEST (MAE) YOUNG MAN

01-10-2014 Silly and Stupid Day   Leave a comment

I’m declaring today as Silly Day. As I’m feeling right now I have no interest in anything important. I don’t want to discuss the problems of our society, questions about the universe or the reason why my legs and butt cheeks hurt when I get up in the morning. None of that is least bit important today.

I have quite the collection of quotes and sayings and adages for every occasion but today Silly and Stupid reign supreme. The following tidbits address just about anything you’d like to think about and do so in a silly and stupid way. These tidbits have been obtained from all sorts of strange and wonderful sources from TV shows, philosophers, and even a comedian or two.

We all need to laugh once in a while.  Enjoy!

  • Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  – Rita Mae Brown
  • A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  – Sir Winston Churchill
  • Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.  – Anonymous
  • Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt. – Phil Dunphy of Modern Family
  • Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  – Carl Zwanzig
  • Home is heaven and orgies are vile but I like an orgy, once in a while. – Ogden Nash
  • A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  – Jack Benny
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  – Fred Allen
  • Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  – From the movie Naked
  • Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.  – Colin Sautar
  • Who says nothing is impossible.  I’ve been doing nothing for years.  – Anonymous
  • A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.  – Robert Brault
  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  – Anonymous
  • She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.  – Mae West
  • She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.  – Saul Bellow

  • After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  – P.J. O’Rourke
  • I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  – Elayne Boosler
  • If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  – Song title by Jimmy Buffet
  • Man was predestined to have free will.  – Hal Lee Luyah
  • Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.  – Aldous Huxley
  • Murphy was an optimist.  – O’Toole’s Commentary
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  – Bill Watterson

  • You can’t have everything… where would you put it?  – Steven Wright
  • He’s turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he’s miserable and depressed.  – Harry Kalas
  • I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  – Anonymous
  • Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  – Anonymous
  • Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  – P.D. East
  • As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.  – Robert Brault
  • I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.  – Dave Beard
  • There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.  – Jerry Seinfeld
  • And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”  – Anonymous
  • When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  – Anonymous
  • A great name for a new country song:  If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.  – Anonymous

    • A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  – Fred Allen
    • Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  – H.L. Mencken
    • A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  – Anonymous
    • A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. – Anonymous
    • All generalizations are bad.  – R.H. Grenier
    • All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  – Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe
    • The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  – Tom Waits
    • Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  – Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

Did I lie? Silly and Stupid. I just felt like lightening matters up today because if I take a peek into the real world it depresses the hell out of me. Politics sickens me and listening to drug company commercials and the constant stream of advertisements on every bit of media almost every second of every day of every year for the rest of my effing life makes me want to scream out loud.

The weekend is coming, so let this steaming pile of minutia get you in the right frame of mind.

08-24-2013   Leave a comment

I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people.  It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure.  I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm.  I know, I was as stunned as you are.  What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability.  That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.

"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school.  It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward."  Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction. 

These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”.  That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating.  No pussy talk for those guys or gals.  Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era.  Enjoy.

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
  • “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
  • “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
  • "There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
  • "He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
  • "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill

Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).

07-05-2013   2 comments

On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous.  These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional  politician who might have something interesting to say.  The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive.  I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.

Comics  like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now.  Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing.  That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous.  Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years.  Here’s an example of  three:

  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
    Anonymous
  • There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
    Unknown
  • Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
    Anonymous

We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by.  They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher.  Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation?  To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while.  Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all.  Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.

  • 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
    Anonymous
  • Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
    Unknown
  • Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
    Unknown
  • She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
    Anonymous
  • A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
    Unknown
  • The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
    Anonymous
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
    Unknown
  • Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
    Unknown
  • Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
    Anonymous
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    Anonymous
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
    Unknown
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    Unknown
  • Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
    Unknown

That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing.  I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us.  The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension.  It’s a true talent. 

That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation.  Every time I read it I just smile.  It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.

  • I’m as pissed off as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
    Anonymous

05-27-2013   4 comments

Most people consider themselves to have a great sense of humor and so do I.  I’m sarcastic to a fault with an extremely dry sense of humor.  Some people like it, some people don’t, as in all things.

One of the first things I look for when I meet someone new is their sense of humor.  Do they like to laugh?  Are they quick witted and enjoy being kidded?  That’s the difference between being my friend or just being an acquaintance.  I’ve been told that making a decision on someone based solely on humor just isn’t fair.  That’s probably true but that’s the way I do it.  I’ve met really intelligent people who have no sense of humor at all.  Is that how you would like to spend your time, with them? Not me.

Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor.  That really smart guy who I just met and accused of having no sense of humor thinks he’s the funniest guy on the planet.  That’s one of the reasons attending a comedy club amateur night can be so much fun.  That smart guy will stand up, say a few so-called funny stories, and bomb terribly.  While some drunken schmuck will get up and have the entire place in stitches almost immediately. As with beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder.

Here’s a collection of so-called humorous quotations by so-called celebrities.  You be the judge on who’s funny and who’s not.

  • “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
    ― Chris Rock
  • “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
    ― Woody Allen
  • “When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
    ― Stephen King
  • “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche
  • “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
    ― Dr. Seuss
  • “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
    ― Winston Churchill
  • “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
    ― George Burns
  • “Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
    Do you even know what that means?
    "I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
    ― Nicholas Sparks
  • “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
    ― Steven Wright
  • “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
    ― Steve Martin
  • “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
    ― Robert A. Heinlein
  • “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
    ― Woody Allen
  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
    ― Groucho Marx
  • “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
    ― W.C. Fields
  • “Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
    ― Marilyn Monroe
  • “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
    ― Albert Einstein
  • “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
    ― Oscar Levant
  • “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
    ― John Wayne
  • “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
    ― Albert Einstein
  • “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
    ― Groucho Marx
  • “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
    ― Billy Sunday
  • “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
    ― Mark Twain
  • “I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
    ― Jane Austen
  • “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
    ― Mae West
  • “Happiness is a warm puppy.”
    ― Charles M. Schulz

Are all of these quotations funny, not really, but the person making them thinks they are.  It just goes to show that a well developed sense of humor can change people’s perception of you one way or another.  Good, bad, indifferent, what does it matter, at least they’ve noticed you and you’ve made an impression.  That’s the first step to a possible life long friendship.

05-15-2013   Leave a comment

As a very young man working my way through puberty I was confronted with sexual desires which truthfully scared the hell out of me.  I found myself smitten with girls who had blonde hair.  The fact that they also had a French accent was just a plus in my mind and made my fantasy more real.  I told everyone that someday I would marry a blonde French women and move to Paris.  Looking back it makes me smile to think just how naive I really was.

In those days the current ridicule of blondes was just starting primarily because of a few Hollywood actresses like Marilyn Monroe and Mae West. At the time I paid little or no attention to all of the blonde bashing that was slowly developing even after it turned into a national obsession.  It continues today as an easy way to get laughs by comedians and television hosts alike.

My likes and dislikes of women have dramatically changed over the years and my desire for blondes has lessened somewhat.  Was this craziness about blondes being dumb the cause of that change? Maybe. These days anyone can be a blonde at a moments notice and it sometimes seems there aren’t many real blondes left. It now requires us men to find out as soon as possible if  "the curtains really match the rug".  Unfortunately these days many women have opted for a much smaller rug and many times no rug at all.  It’s all very confusing for us former blonde men. That’s right, as a young man I was a natural blonde.

I have to admit many blondes do come across as being a little dense at times and others can use that as a means to disarm the men they deal with.  I now believe that being blonde is just a state of  mind and that any man or women becomes effected by the blonde myth the moment they adopt that as their hair color.  I’ve seen brunettes who’ve gone blonde and immediately seem to get more playful and less threatening.  They become easier to approach, more fun to be with, and at times more sexually inclined.  Hence the famous quote, “blonde’s have more fun”.

So the blonde thing has come full circle from it’s earliest days.  I find it interesting just how often some middle aged women go blonde after experiencing the onset of that famous middle age spread.  My blonde hair eventually turned light brown and I was safe from ridicule.  I didn’t notice any obvious personality change in myself and my life went on as usual.

As a former blonde I feel I have as much right as anyone  to have a little fun with the blonde thing.  I don’t think the blonde issue will ever be explained or understood and that’s fine with me.  Blondes that take offense can just change their hair color and become one of the majority.  I’m still looking for the real blondes who don’t care want people think and are standing proud.

I couldn’t write this posting without adding one of my favorite blonde jokes. I guess I’m just as bad as everyone else and I hope it brings a smile or smirk to your face.

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought in the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "… Ready … Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"

So lame but still funny.  I hope all of you blondes out there can forgive me, I’m just a weak formerly blonde man.

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