Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching.   I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness.  Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.

Christmas

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.  Bernard Manning

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.  Joan Rivers

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.  P.J. O’Rourke

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.  Dave Barry

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.  Johnny Carson

I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times.  Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.

New Year’s

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.  Bill Vaughn

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.  P.J. O’Rourke

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.  Jay Leno

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous

It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.  William Thomas

The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.  W.H. Auden

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.  James Agee

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.  Anonymous

Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.  Benjamin Franklin

I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.  Robert Paul

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.  Oprah Winfrey

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.  Oscar Wilde

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.  Anais Nin

THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT