Archive for the ‘sarcasm’ Tag
Can you quickly name twenty-five things you love? Are you a hater? Can you immediately name twenty-five things you hate? We as human beings seem to have the ability to quickly list those things that adversely effect us and to verbalize them loudly to anyone nearby.
On my shopping safari yesterday I found myself rubbing elbows with the normal everyday human insanity to which we’ve all become accustomed. I visited a few businesses in the area and as always was pretty much forced into listening to my fellow men and women bitching about almost everything. I’m only mentioning it because it became painfully obvious very quickly that an infection of some sort was in the air and effecting everyone including me.
I first visited my favorite book store to make a few purchases, check out some new authors, and people watch, of course. I was in a great mood and anticipated a quiet restful visit. This is a very small store and when new arrivals show up they’re easy to spot. A woman arrived in a rather expensive Audi, dressed very well, and with a walk that showed a lot of attitude. She was in her fifties, fairly attractive, and well maintained, if you get my drift. She wasn’t in the door more than three steps when she began talking at, not to, the proprietor. That poor SOB was manning the register near the door and couldn’t escape. This well-to-do looking woman began complaining about a book she purchased a week ago and didn’t really like and wanted a cash refund. I think the term I’m looking for is "a bitch on wheels". She pissed and moaned about a three dollar refund for so long I was tempted to give her the money just so she would go away. Thankfully neither the manager nor I gave her that refund and as she marched out the door we both breathed a sigh of relief. She must have a real fashion sense though. It’s can’t be easy to hide such a huge set of balls in such a tight dress.
I then made a short drive to a nearby Wal-Green store where I was forced to stand in line behind two young ladies in their twenties. We were in that line for maybe ten minutes but OMG it seemed much longer. These young ladies were the queens of public trash talking. Friends and foes alike couldn’t escape their wrath. To quote, "that bitch was all over him last night, what a slut", "I hear he uses so many drugs he can barely function (wink, wink) and finally a few choice words about someone who is their BFF and who threw up all over the side of her car. I walked away really glad they didn’t consider me a friend.
As my safari continued I made my way to the Hannaford food store. I like shopping there because I can quickly use the self-checkout and be in and out quickly. As usual I got in the checkout line behind the wrong effing guy. I swear there could be twenty registers open and I would still manage to get behind that one customer with some huge problem or issue. Today was no different. I had about twelve items and planned on being checked out and gone in just a few short minutes but no way, Jose!
As I walked up to the self-checkout there was a guy just standing in front of the device with a dead stare and a blank look of real confusion on his face. He apparently was new to self-checkouts, couldn’t figure it out, and the longer he waited the more pissed off he became. For the next ten minutes he invited a cashier, a Front-End Manager, and finally the Store’s General Manger to help him. I was proud of myself because I just wanted to scream a few obscenities at him and loudly identify him to everyone in the area as the dumbass that he was. He was loud, obnoxious, rude, stupid, ignorant, and wouldn’t stop complaining. He actually looked over and gave me a dirty look like I was part of his problem. Those poor managers really earned their pay dealing with this schnook. I finally was able to go on my way fifteen minutes later and was glad I hadn’t parked anywhere near that A-hole. He was still standing in the parking lot as I drove away bitching to anyone who would listen.
I’d planned to stop at a couple of other places but what was the point. I was caught up in a local shit storm of complaining and unhappy people and had to get away as fast as possible. As you can tell by reading this I didn’t get away quickly enough and was also infected. I immediately went home and sat quietly for a while to compose myself and to let the infection run it’s course.
People are just so much fun it’s just a real pleasure to be around them. (sarcasm off)
Do you have any addictions that your not too proud of? I’m not talking about the regular run-of-the-mill addictions like drugs, booze, and sex but lesser known ones. This question came up while I was watching a television show called Strange Addictions. Not many shows have the capability to give me the creeps but this one did. These quirky addictions like eating dirt or dryer sheets to me aren’t really addictions. I’m not sure what the hell they are but OMG WTF is going in in this society when that needs to be broadcast to the world as entertainment.
I can understand wanting to bask in the glow of celebrity for fifteen minutes but apparently they are no ‘good taste’ limits anymore. Who in the hell goes on national television to tell the world how screwed up they are? Their families must be so proud. I’m also sure that some person or group would immediately step forward to defend this behavior with all sorts of justifications that by talking about these issues it’s possible to help others. I’m sorry but that sounds to me like a huge load of BS. Over the years I’ve developed one of the best BS detectors ever and I know when someone’s feeding me load of manure. By publicizing this odd and weird behavior nothing is truly being accomplished. It’s just another P.T. Barnum moment when the suckers are drawn in by the weirdness and the creators of these shows walk away with a great deal of money in their pockets.
No one has ever approached me about my addiction. My addiction is just as newsworthy as all of these others but I’ve yet to be offered a segment on any television show. My addiction isn’t the least bit horrible or disgusting unless your a member of the Muslim religion. So today is the day that I’m standing up and shouting out to the world that I’M ADDICTED TO BACON. I’ve reached out to many people for help with little or no success. It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered coming out of my early retirement to buy property and open a pig farm. Then I could have an endless supply of that beautiful, crunchy, salty, and flavorful food.
My addiction is real, not exaggerated for television. I’ve lived with this for more than forty years and I’ll probably go to my death with the smell of bacon on my breath. Bacon and eggs, BLT’s, and bacon bits are the high lights of my week. I realize the dangers but I just can’t stop. It was easier to quite smoking after twenty years than to give up my wonderful bacon addiction.
I just finished reading an article about a product that is to be released soon. While it won’t help me with my addiction it seems that many woman with the same addiction are soon to be made very happy. It’s nice to see that some companies are stepping forward with new products that have sadly been missing from our lives for far too long. Read on.
I don’t think this what Bill Gates had in mind when he offered $100,000 to someone to invent the next generation condom. Just when you though the bacon fad was fizzling out, J&D’s Foods –the same Seattle-based company that brought us the bacon coffin and bacon mayonnaise (all real products) — now has introduced Bacon Condoms that claims to "make your meat look like meat." As an added bonus, each condom is coated with its very own J&D’s baconlube.
From a press release: "Truly the new standard of animal protein themed prophylactics Bacon Condoms are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex and rigorously tested to help ensure the utmost reliability and safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon."
And just when you hoped America’s bacon fad was dying out, the company is also releasing Bacon Sunscreen. Why? According to the release, "science has shown us that 10 out of 10 people prefer the smell of Bacon to coconut, which makes this the most anticipated new product of the summer." Please, put a fork in it.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/03/28/company-releases-new-bacon-flavored-condoms/#ixzz2OvwKd19w
My life is now complete. If I buy these products it will not only greatly improve my sex life but the sex lives of bacon loving women everywhere. Stand up and declare your addiction ladies and then call me. Maybe we can get one of the networks to put us on the air and give us our fifteen minutes of fame. (Sarcasm Off)
Do you ever use sarcasm as a means to quiet people who irritate you? Have you ever been accused of being a lesser person because your sarcastic? Do people that don’t understand sarcasm cause you to step back a bit and begin to wonder what it was early in their life that they missed? If you said yes to any of these questions then you are probably an honest-to-God quick witted and funny person like me.
It’s time for those of us blessed with superior sarcasm skills to stand up with our heads held high and proclaim to the world "I’m sarcastic, your not, life sucks so deal with it.” Jealousy is a terrible thing and if I remember correctly it is one of the Seven Deadly Sins and not something to be all that proud of.
I’ve often been accused of being “a sarcastic SOB” and I’ve put up with the ignorant and sometime condescending comments for years. I’ll no longer tolerate that kind of treatment by anyone ever again. No more Mr. Nice Guy, "I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so either get over it or stay the hell away from me.”
I began developing my sarcasm superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered. It didn’t always work but I decided I needed to develop the skill further because it had real potential.
In junior high school I tried to get along with my first and only bully. Unfortunately I was a bit of a runt which allowed the bully to think I was stupid, weak, and non threatening. As we all know most bullies love to target someone who is weak or appears to be weak for constant ridicule and physical intimidation. My bully was three years older than me, had been left back a couple of times, out weighed me by forty pounds, and fortunately for me was as dumb as a bag of rocks.
I remember clearly the first time I used sarcasm on him. When I told him sarcastically, “You must think your the biggest, badest, and smartest SOB in this effing school?”. He appeared to be flattered and just couldn’t stop grinning and swaggering around the school yard. He actually thought I complimented him which instantly transformed me into a possible candidate to join his entourage of morons and suck ups. I declined membership and after two years of being kicked around and having my possessions stolen, I was finally free to enjoy the rest of Junior High and High School without that asshole causing me further difficulties.
I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and became determined to refine it and become “All I could be”. If used properly along with smiles and clever conversation it can also get you laid every so often which was a accidental and pleasant discovery. That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a virtual “sarcasm machine”.
As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using. The alleged intellectuals responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for the most part in a negative fashion:
In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in "What a fine musician you turned out to be!" or it may be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation . . .
Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker. The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive. Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip.
Viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it. There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm. I try not to be disrespectful during those occasional conversations with them because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude. I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table then it’s up to me to create some and I do, sometimes at their expense.
SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (Sarcasm Off)
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