03-28-2013   2 comments

Do you have any addictions that your not too proud of?  I’m not talking about the regular run-of-the-mill addictions like drugs, booze, and sex but lesser known ones. This question came up while I was watching a television show called Strange Addictions. Not many shows have the capability to give me the creeps but this one did. These quirky addictions like eating dirt or dryer sheets to me aren’t really addictions. I’m not sure what the hell they are but OMG WTF is going in in this society when that needs to be broadcast to the world as entertainment.

I can understand wanting to bask in the glow of celebrity for fifteen minutes but apparently they are no ‘good taste’ limits anymore.  Who in the hell goes on national television to tell the world how screwed up they are? Their families must be so proud.  I’m also sure that some  person or group would immediately step forward to defend this behavior with all sorts of justifications that by talking about these issues it’s possible to help others.  I’m sorry but that sounds to me like a huge load of BS. Over the years I’ve developed one of the best BS detectors ever and I know when someone’s feeding me load of manure. By publicizing this odd and weird behavior nothing is truly being accomplished.  It’s just another P.T. Barnum moment when the suckers are drawn in by the weirdness and the creators of these shows walk away with a great deal of money in their pockets.

No one has ever approached me about my addiction.  My addiction is just as newsworthy as all of these others but I’ve yet to be offered a segment on any television show.  My addiction isn’t the least bit horrible or disgusting unless your a member of the Muslim religion.  So today is the day that I’m standing up and shouting out to the world that I’M ADDICTED TO BACON.  I’ve reached out to many people for help with little or no success.  It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered coming out of my early retirement to buy property and open a pig farm.  Then I could have an endless supply of that beautiful, crunchy, salty, and flavorful food.

My addiction is real, not exaggerated for television.  I’ve lived with this for more than forty years and I’ll probably go to my death with the smell of bacon on my breath.  Bacon and eggs, BLT’s, and bacon bits are the high lights of my week.  I realize the dangers but I just can’t stop.  It was easier to quite smoking after twenty years than to give up my wonderful bacon addiction.

I just finished reading an article about a product that is to be released soon. While it won’t help me with my addiction it seems that many woman with the same addiction are soon to be made very happy. It’s nice to see that some companies are stepping forward with new products that have sadly been missing from our lives for far too long. Read on.

I don’t think this what Bill Gates had in mind when he offered $100,000 to someone to invent the next generation condom. Just when you though the bacon fad was fizzling out, J&D’s Foods –the same Seattle-based company that brought us the bacon coffin and bacon mayonnaise (all real products) — now has introduced Bacon Condoms that claims to "make your meat look like meat." As an added bonus, each condom is coated with its very own J&D’s baconlube.

From a press release: "Truly the new standard of animal protein themed prophylactics Bacon Condoms are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex and rigorously tested to help ensure the utmost reliability and safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon."

And just when you hoped America’s bacon fad was dying out, the company is also releasing  Bacon Sunscreen. Why?  According to the release, "science has shown us that 10 out of 10 people prefer the smell of Bacon to coconut, which makes this the most anticipated new product of the summer." Please, put a fork in it.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/03/28/company-releases-new-bacon-flavored-condoms/#ixzz2OvwKd19w

My life is now complete. If I buy these products it will not only greatly improve my sex life but the sex lives of bacon loving women everywhere.  Stand up and declare your addiction ladies and then call me.  Maybe we can get one of the networks to put us on the air and give us our fifteen minutes of fame.   (Sarcasm Off)

Posted March 29, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sarcasm

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2 responses to “03-28-2013

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  1. I wonder if they are available in Turkey Bacon as well,,,,,,in case someone didn’t take to red meat?

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