Archive for the ‘addictions’ Tag

11-10-2015 Journal–My Favorite Addictions!   Leave a comment


I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life.  I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.


I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:



Breast milk


I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting. 






Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent.  And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.


My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:




French Blondes




College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:


Oral Sex



Red Heads






I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:


Oral sex

Oriental Women

Black Hair









I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:

Any Sex









As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away.  They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful.  I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot. 


My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever. 

The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.

I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.

04-08-2015 Journal – My Favorite Addictions!   6 comments


Over the years I’ve read on a number of occasions about people with addictive personalities. These are people who are drawn to addictive behavior and activities for some unknown reason and can’t ever stop being addicted to something.  I’ve finally decided to admit that I may be one of them.


My first major addiction started when I was just turning twelve years of age.  Both of my parents were smokers and so were my grandparents. This was before anyone was aware of the dangers of smoking and we all thought it was pretty cool.  Most of my friends smoked as well and we spent more time stealing cigarettes from our families than we did actually smoking them. I was so good at taking their cigarettes they never had a clue. It wasn’t until many years later that I told them about it and we all had a laugh or two. It was either steal from them or take a chance of being caught shoplifting in a store.

There was and still is a price to pay for such behavior and I soon found out what karma was all about.  My best friend at the time was my partner in crime and karma reared it’s ugly head in the following incident we were involved in. It occurred at our elementary school where we accidentally started a fire in a nearby  field while sneaking a cigarette that burned that field just prior to the annual Easter egg hunt.  Lots of fried eggs, firemen, and police officers are all I remember about that day. Karma can be a real bitch.

Marijuana was next on my list and I did my best to smoke as much of it as possible over a five year period.  I slowly weaned myself from both marijuana and cigarettes and finally kicked both nasty habits.  I dabbled with alcohol as well a for a while but I could never get into the projectile vomiting thing.


After cleaning up my act I fell into two new addictions which I still have to this day. I’m John and I’m a chocoholic and caffeine addict.  I just can’t stay away from these wonderful things and I promise I never will. Unfortunately it may require that I be buried with a bag of Hersey kisses and a hot cup of Hazelnut coffee.  I won’t even get into my bacon issues which are even worse.  It seems like every addiction I’ve ever had has been bad for me and that pisses me off.  Why can’t I find a really healthy addiction?



My latest and possibly most boring addiction won’t kill me but it does irritate and annoy me. It’s called Words With Friends, a computerized take off of the old Scrabble game and is played on Smart Phones and Tablets.

I’ve tried on a number of occasions to quit but I keep getting pulled back into it by my friends and family members.  It’s maddening at times because it requires that I respond in a reasonable fashion to their game play. There have been times that I’ve had as many as ten games going on at the same time and at that point it becomes more of a chore than fun. I want to stop but the ever present peer pressure to continue is there and plays heavily on my competitiveness. It becomes even more ridiculous when friends and family members become upset with me if I decline to play or if don’t do an immediate rematch.

I need to find a new addiction and fast.  I’ve never been addicted to sex like some people but I could easily be pulled in that direction. Even that seems like too much work if you think about it.  I want a lazier addiction that I can enjoy without it becoming strenuous. 

I’m being forced to continue my never-ending search but in the meantime does anyone out there know a good four letter word that contains a "Q", an "X", and a "J"? 

Where’s that twelve step program when you need one?

03-28-2013   2 comments

Do you have any addictions that your not too proud of?  I’m not talking about the regular run-of-the-mill addictions like drugs, booze, and sex but lesser known ones. This question came up while I was watching a television show called Strange Addictions. Not many shows have the capability to give me the creeps but this one did. These quirky addictions like eating dirt or dryer sheets to me aren’t really addictions. I’m not sure what the hell they are but OMG WTF is going in in this society when that needs to be broadcast to the world as entertainment.

I can understand wanting to bask in the glow of celebrity for fifteen minutes but apparently they are no ‘good taste’ limits anymore.  Who in the hell goes on national television to tell the world how screwed up they are? Their families must be so proud.  I’m also sure that some  person or group would immediately step forward to defend this behavior with all sorts of justifications that by talking about these issues it’s possible to help others.  I’m sorry but that sounds to me like a huge load of BS. Over the years I’ve developed one of the best BS detectors ever and I know when someone’s feeding me load of manure. By publicizing this odd and weird behavior nothing is truly being accomplished.  It’s just another P.T. Barnum moment when the suckers are drawn in by the weirdness and the creators of these shows walk away with a great deal of money in their pockets.

No one has ever approached me about my addiction.  My addiction is just as newsworthy as all of these others but I’ve yet to be offered a segment on any television show.  My addiction isn’t the least bit horrible or disgusting unless your a member of the Muslim religion.  So today is the day that I’m standing up and shouting out to the world that I’M ADDICTED TO BACON.  I’ve reached out to many people for help with little or no success.  It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered coming out of my early retirement to buy property and open a pig farm.  Then I could have an endless supply of that beautiful, crunchy, salty, and flavorful food.

My addiction is real, not exaggerated for television.  I’ve lived with this for more than forty years and I’ll probably go to my death with the smell of bacon on my breath.  Bacon and eggs, BLT’s, and bacon bits are the high lights of my week.  I realize the dangers but I just can’t stop.  It was easier to quite smoking after twenty years than to give up my wonderful bacon addiction.

I just finished reading an article about a product that is to be released soon. While it won’t help me with my addiction it seems that many woman with the same addiction are soon to be made very happy. It’s nice to see that some companies are stepping forward with new products that have sadly been missing from our lives for far too long. Read on.

I don’t think this what Bill Gates had in mind when he offered $100,000 to someone to invent the next generation condom. Just when you though the bacon fad was fizzling out, J&D’s Foods –the same Seattle-based company that brought us the bacon coffin and bacon mayonnaise (all real products) — now has introduced Bacon Condoms that claims to "make your meat look like meat." As an added bonus, each condom is coated with its very own J&D’s baconlube.

From a press release: "Truly the new standard of animal protein themed prophylactics Bacon Condoms are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex and rigorously tested to help ensure the utmost reliability and safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon."

And just when you hoped America’s bacon fad was dying out, the company is also releasing  Bacon Sunscreen. Why?  According to the release, "science has shown us that 10 out of 10 people prefer the smell of Bacon to coconut, which makes this the most anticipated new product of the summer." Please, put a fork in it.

Read more:

My life is now complete. If I buy these products it will not only greatly improve my sex life but the sex lives of bacon loving women everywhere.  Stand up and declare your addiction ladies and then call me.  Maybe we can get one of the networks to put us on the air and give us our fifteen minutes of fame.   (Sarcasm Off)

Posted March 29, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sarcasm

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