As I frequently do, I wander aimlessly around the Net looking for inspiration. Unfortunately most of the information available is either nonsense or BS. It only becomes relevant after I’m able to put it into context for all of you.  Dealing with people on the Net takes a great deal of skill, intuition, and luck.  Great care must be taken because dangers lurk in the oddest places.  I trained for decades to interview people, read body language, and to make a determination of their guilt or innocence.  Trying to do that same thing on the Net is an almost impossible task.  Since I can’t meet face-to-face and I can’t trust photographs any longer, what should I do?

The following list of questions I discovered a few weeks ago and after some necessary editing are ready for my use. They may seem mundane and boring but are they really?  The “devil is in the details” is a saying I’ve learned to appreciate over the years.  One small piece of information added to another and then another can result in clarification and understanding much like a jigsaw puzzle.

I want my readers to understand me.  It’s the wish of almost every other human being on the planet that someone “gets us”.   I’m going to list one hundred really stupid and simple questions and then post my answers as well.  If you read them all and then bundle them into one huge ball of useless information, you just might have a better understanding of me.  It may work or it may not but you’ll never know until you give it a try.  To test it further ask a friend, lover, or family member to answer them.  You might be surprised to find out they’re not exactly the person you thought.  Here we go.

 

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Open.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes.

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked out.

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign?  Yes

5:Do you like to use post-it notes?  Yes, both paper and computerized.

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?  No, I hate coupons.

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Bees, at least I’d survive.

8:Do you have freckles?  A few scattered here and there.

9:Do you always smile for pictures? No, I hate being photographed.

10:What is your biggest pet peeve? People who talk-over me while in conversation.

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Almost always.

12:Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, it’s the best.

13:What about pooped in the woods?  I  have but it’s unpleasant.

14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?  Only when I’m alone.

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?  Only pencils.

16:How many people have you slept with this week? Does my cat count?  If he does then “2”.

17:What size is your bed? Queen.

18:What is your Song of the week? Born to die – Lana del Ray

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes.

20:Do you still watch cartoons? Almost never.

21:What’s your least favorite movie? Anything with Will Ferrell in it.

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? None of your business. It’s called ‘hidden treasure’ for a reason.

23:What do you drink with dinner? Seltzer Water

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ketchup.

25:What is your favorite food? Hamburgers.

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Anything prior to 1950.

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? My better-half.

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes.

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No, it might scare people.

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 1990.

31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yes.

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Oh yeah.

33:Ever ran out of gas? Once in 1975.

34:Favorite kind of sandwich? BLT, with lots of B.

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee.

36:What is your usual bedtime? 11 PM.

37:Are you lazy? No.

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? At 45, I was Woody Allen.

39. Who is your favorite dead singer?  Levon Helm

40:How many languages can you speak? 1.5

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, one.

42:Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? Legos.

43:Are you stubborn? Yes.

44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Johnny Carson.

45:Ever watch soap operas? I used to.

46:Are you afraid of heights? Not really, no.

47:Do you sing in the car? Sometimes.

48:Do you sing in the shower? No.

49: Do you sleep clothed or naked? Naked.

50:Ever used a gun? Yes.

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I was two years old.

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are, some not.

53:Is Christmas stressful? Yes, it’s a pain in the ass.

54:Ever eat a pierogi? Hundreds of times, Yummmm!

55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.

56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Archeologist.

57:Do you believe in ghosts? No.

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.

59:Take a vitamin daily? Yes.

60:Wear slippers? Yes.

61:Wear a bath robe? Not really.

62: How old were you when you lost your virginity?  14.

63:First concert? Harry Chapin.

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, to people watch.

65:Nike or Adidas? Dr. Scholl

66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cape Cod Potato Chips.

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Cashews.

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Hell no.

69:Ever take dance lessons? Yes. as a kid, 3 years.

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?  No, there won’t be a future spouse.

71:Can you curl your tongue? Yes, and I know how to use it too.

72:Ever won a spelling bee? No.

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes, at my divorce hearing.

74:Own any record albums? Yes, vinyl and CD’s.

75:Own a record player? Yes.

76:Regularly burn incense? Yes.

77:Ever been in love? Yes.

78:Who would you like to see in concert? Celine Dion.

79:How many tattoos do you have? Six small ones.

80:Hot tea or cold tea? Hot.

81:Tea or coffee? Coffee.

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sweet’n’Low

83:Can you swim well? Yes.

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.

85:Are you patient? Not really.

86:DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ.

87:Ever won a contest? Yes.

88:Ever have plastic surgery? No.

89:Which are better black or green olives? Green.

90:Can you knit or crochet? Neither.

91:Best room for a fireplace? Bed room.

92:Do you want to get married? Never again.

93. Do you wear glasses? Yes.

94:Who was your HS crush? Beth.

95:Do you ever cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Only as an infant.

96:Do you have kids? Yes.

97:Do you want kids? No more thank you very much.

98:What’s your favorite color? Blue.

99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes.

100: Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yes.

* * *

There you have it.  My screwed up and over-explained personality in a nutshell.  Remove a few of these questions and add your own.  Personalize it as much as you think is necessary. Then have a few of your friends compete the questions and invite them over for a few bottles of wine and a group discussion.  It might be a great deal of fun but even if it isn’t make sure you’re serving a really good wine.