05-17-2013   Leave a comment

It’s not unusual these days to hear people from other countries constantly complaining about America, Americans, and everything else American.  We’re too loud, we’re too arrogant, we’re bullies, and on and on it goes.  After continuously hearing all of that I then wonder why it is that so many of the same people from every nation on the planet would die to come here.  Many hundreds of illegals have died in the deserts of northern Mexico just trying to cross the border to get here.

I always assume that money is the motivation for everything as well as political persecution but both of those things can be avoided by fleeing to many other countries besides the United States. Why then does everyone want to be here?  As I lounged in my bed this morning a thought came to me that might explain it.  As you know many countries have an odd assortment of traditions and customs that are truly weird and strange to us.  I think many of our traditions are equally strange to them.  They can’t seem to understand why we do certain things but they want to experience them with us.  I’ve put together a list of ten things we Americans do that even I don’t understand.  Lets take a look at them.

  • Black Friday Shopping Sprees – My better-half and hundreds of thousands of others religiously participate in this insanity.  I know that she and I will never spend Black Friday together unless I bow to this tradition.
  • Presidential Turkey Pardons – This is so lame it’s embarrassing to admit that it’s true.  Eat the freaking bird and be done with it. So freaking dumb!
  • Gay Pride Parades -  I can’t think of any reason why these are necessary at all.  Maybe we need a Heterosexual Pride Parade every so often where we can get crazy and half-naked and make complete fools of ourselves.  Oh wait, I forgot we have Spring Break for that.
  • Tailgate Parties – This is just a further extension of the nations sports obsession.  These get togethers continue to get more ridiculous every year but it’s something the Food channel can’t survive without.
  • Cow Tipping – This is reported to be a true American tradition from the Midwestern part of the country.  I’ve never seen it done nor have I ever participated in cow tipping.  It’s just another reason to give the folks living in farm country a hard time.  Funny but unverified.
  • Punkin Chunkin – I’ve watched this on TV a few times but really didn’t think it was much of a tradition until two years ago.  My better-half and I were riding around enjoying the pretty Fall colors when we came upon dozens of cars parked near a farmers field.  People were standing around in groups watching some locals chunking pumpkins across the field.  Every time one exploded everyone cheered. Why, I have no freaking idea.
  • Watching Super Bowl Commercials – I have many more friends who watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials rather than the game itself.  Go figure!
  • Roadside Death Shrines -  Over the years I’ve seen hundreds of these shrines built by friends and family of people killed in traffic accidents.  Again, I don’t understand the need to build a shrine along some road.  Some are really unbelievable.  I saw one near my home that had it’s own decorated Christmas Tree.
  • Sensationalism -  Everything in this country is sensationalized.  Crimes of the Century, Games of the Century, Storms of the Century, and anything else you can think of.  If it isn’t the biggest and baddest in history it just isn’t worth mentioning.  This is one tradition we could do without.
  • Ground Hog Day Predictions -  This is so stupid I really thought about not mentioning it at all.  So consider it not mentioned.

Come one! Come all!   All you crazy folks from around the globe.  It’s taken America more than two hundred years but we finally developed and celebrate as many weird and stupid things as the people in your homeland do.  You should fit right into this looney-bin we call America.  So come on down.

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