Archive for the ‘laughter’ Tag

01-01-2016 Journal – My Updated Love List!   2 comments

thGNK3CZDD
What better way to start off the new year than to update and revise my list of the one hundred things I love. Everything changes over time and the Things I Love list has evolved as well.

As I reviewed my original list of the one hundred Things I Love,  it became painfully obvious that it no longer was accurate and badly needed updating. Initially I did the list with my tongue firmly lodged in my cheek but this newly revised list has been shortened to include only the 60 most important things as they are currently.    Here goes nothing.

THINGS I LOVE (Revised)

1.   My better-half.

2.   Licking the hairs at the base of her spine.

3.   Truth.

4.   People watching.

5.   Learning how anything is made.

6.   Seeing her naked.

7.   Sex in the morning.

8.   Movies that make me laugh.

9.   Making people laugh.

10. Painting.

th8YIF4NKU

11. Small breasts.

12. Kissing her.

13. Computers.

14. Reading anything.

15. Being naked in the morning.

16. Real coffee.

17. Photography.

18. Oldies.

19. My Cat.

20. Science fiction.

thIIUDTXGO

‘Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge!’

21. Science.

22. Creating anything.

23. Star Wars.

24. Juicy fantasies.

25. Orgasm’s anytime.

26. Hard work.

27. Hating politicians.

28. The ocean.

29. Watching her lips on me.

30. Honesty.

thKVCOMPPY

‘It’s always good to know and follow the rules. Here they are.’

31. Sex in the evening.

32. Movies that make me cry.

33. Medium breasts.

34. BJ’s in the morning.

35. Snow.

36. Wine.

37. Hiking in the woods.

38. Skinny dipping.

39. Eating anything while naked.

40. Long sloppy, tongue-sucking kisses.

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‘Oh Baby!’

41. Voyeurism.

42. Chocolate.

43. Being naked in the afternoon.

44. Large breasts.

45. BJ’s in the afternoon.

46. Sex at night.

47. Movies that make me hot.

48. Girl watching.

49. Building anything.

50. Pretty feet.

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‘All she needs now is some blood red polish.’

51. Computers.

52. Holding hands.

53. Watching her sleep.

54. Being naked at night.

55. Accomplishing anything.

56. Huge breasts.

57. Squirting.

58. BJ’s at night.

59. Masturbation, alone or with a friend.

60. Snoodling with her.

Well that should get 2016 started in a proper fashion.  I have a few other lists that need to be updated and I’ll be getting to them soon.

HAPPY 2016

01-05-2014 A Little Humor!   Leave a comment

I’m feeling particularly lazy today and I’m also in a good mood and that combination of things almost never happens. I could get into one of my usual political rants or maybe a journal entry explaining to you how boring my life usually is but I won’t do that either. Everyone loves to laugh and I’ll try to make that happen today.

Without a healthy sense of humor life can become tedious. I enjoy a good dirty limerick or a good off-color joke like most people because they help make our existence on this ball of mud we call Earth bearable.

I’ve collected a few jokes that have tickled my fancy in the past and I thought I’d pass them along. Everything is better when accompanied by humor and I do mean everything. People seem friendlier, music sounds better, food tastes better, and the sex is OMFG incredible.  Read these jokes and then say hello to a friend, play a good song, eat a good sandwich, and then bang your significant other.  Then call me and let me know how much better it all was.

Read on, all of you laughter-starved people. Let’s start off with a reasonable explanation on the differences between men and women.

Friendship among women: A woman doesn’t come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend’s house. The man calls his wife’s ten best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men: A man doesn’t come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend’s house. The woman calls her husband’s ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he’s still there.

Next a joke that takes a while to find your funny bone but when it finally does you’ll love it.

The phone call
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**

 

“Hello?” “Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?” “No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy right now” …..

** Brief Pause**

“Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy” “And what happened honey?” he asked “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***
******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: “Swimming pool?? .. Is this 486-5731??”

 Are you laughing yet? I know it was a little morbid but that’s what makes humor so cool.  Even morbid is funny.  Next on my list is a little something that’s humorous and irritating all at the same time.  I dislike all Unions and never miss a chance to tweak their noses a bit.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war…could you help me?”

“Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”

If you’re like me, visiting movie theaters has become something I choose not to do.  Ignorant people carrying on loud conversations together or on their freaking cell phones making it virtually impossible to focus on the expensive movie that’s playing.  This joke is for them.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

And last but not least I’ll again address the humor rich subject of the “war between the sexes”. I’ll ask all of you married guys out there if this joke reminds you of anyone you know.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …” The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”

I hope this starts your day with a smile.

10-05-2013   Leave a comment

For me this is a slow day.  I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday.  It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens.  Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge.  When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible.  Let’s see how you did:

1.  New Orleans

2.  Miss Piggy

3.  Shredded Wheat in 1882

4.  10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.

5.  97%

6.  The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.

7.  The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.

8.  Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.

9.  Refrigerators

10. The fork.

* * *

Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.

Job Interview

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."

* * *

Was  I wrong Seniors?  That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences.  I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses.  Oh well, I can dream can’t I?

Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country.  He thought it was humorous and so did I.

* * *

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

* * *

One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:

There once was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.

* * *

And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog.  Welcome aboard!  Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.

Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.

09-28-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve decided today will be all about our very first visit from the Good Humor Man.  If I dare write about politics or religion I almost always piss someone off including myself at times. With the country’s current list of ugly situations such as a confused president, a borderline bad economy, illegal immigration issues, constant threats of war, our eroding inalienable rights, destructive healthcare plans, and terrorism there isn’t much left to laugh about.

I’ve always been an observer of people and that includes myself.  I’ve noticed in recent months that the only successful way to maintain my mental health and general well being is to "bury my head in the sand" and IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.  For years I’ve been out there shouting, screaming, bitching, moaning and criticizing the never ending idiocy that is the human condition. What have I accomplished, not one damn thing. Learning how to ignore or zone-out some of this stuff has gone a long way to improving my life.

I thank my better-half for all her help in assisting and motivating me to learn some really important  zoning-out techniques.  It was just a recent fluke that got me to thinking that those simple yet effective techniques just might work with everyone and everything else as well. After that major epiphany my life suddenly took a turn for the better.  I stopped watching and listening to TV and radio newscasts because I totally disagree with their liberal agendas. The Internet news sites like The Drudge Report after a period of time have morphed slowly into versions of the same bad news bearers, death, destruction, and politics that I shied away from on TV and radio.  The talking heads from both political persuasions have become a constant drumbeat of opinions that I think are crap.

In order to keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart I have to ignore these idiots and their idiotic opinions.  I’m slowly discovering that many of my own opinions make much more sense than theirs.  Since they don’t wish to listen to mine or to use any sort of common sense in creating their own, I’m zoning them out. Today is a perfect day for our first visit from Mr. Good Humor. He always seems to bring with him a few items that will put a smile on our faces and help us forget the load of crap we are slowly being inundated with. Enjoy these funny, sometimes off-color jokes, limericks, and stories and try smiling a little. 

There’s plenty of sand here on my beach for all of us to bury our heads in.

* * *

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that’s great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming" If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!"

* * *

There once was a man named Barack
Whose re-election came as a shock
He raised the taxes we pay,
and then helped turned marriage gay
And now he’s coming after our Glock

* * *

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

* * *

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it ‘tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style? Have you done it up a mile?

Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother’s couch? Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care?

 

Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows. Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is thy Purity.

Are you smiling yet?

07-24-2013   3 comments

Yesterday I was out and about running errands and enjoying the sunshine and cooler weather.  It was a perfect day to people watch and I dedicated a large portion of my time to doing just that.

It always amazes me just how much interaction with others occurs while waiting in line at register checkouts. For  me these checkouts seems to have taken the place of those good old water cooler conversations of the past.  Being in line forces us to allow others into our private zone where conversation and observation are almost unavoidable.  Normally this circumstance is a pain in the butt but yesterday it was a little different.

The store was jammed with people.  Tourists as always were underfoot and it seemed like every household in the state  had family members grocery shopping.  Kids were running around, people chatting in the aisles, and a general air of enjoyment which I thought was a little unusual.  As I stood in the checkout line the women directly in front of me was placing her purchases on the counter while her daughter (2 or 3 years old) sat quietly in the shopping cart.  She was sitting there in her cute little dress and she was people watching as well.  Young babies are notorious for flirting and this little girl was no different.   She was looking around and smilingly at everyone while she waited patiently for her Mom to checkout.

For some reason she turned quickly around and began to stare at me.  I looked back and smiled but she just continued staring.  She seemed fascinated by my mustache and started feeling her own upper lip with her finger. All of a sudden she began to laugh.  You know that kind of infectious laugh that seems to move from person to person in a group and eventually everyone is howling.  This tiny little girl couldn’t stop laughing.  I know I can be funny looking but she just laughed loud and long and before I realized it everyone in our line and the adjoining lines were laughing as well. The more we laughed the more she laughed and I have to say it was one of the more pleasant moments I’ve experienced in many months.  More than a few of us in the general vicinity were laughing so hard we were crying.  As her mother pushed their cart away that little sweetheart was waving and laughing all the way out the door.  Everyone was waving back and smiling and as she disappeared from sight we began talking together about how cute she was.

It was like the earth stood still for just a moment and all our defenses had evaporated.  We came together as a group and shared a special moment. I’m sure that many of the people standing near that child will remember that  experience for a very long time, I know I will.

At what age do we lose that child-like wonder that made that little lady so damn innocent and real.  An emotional genuineness we could all use a great deal more of.  A person could change the world forever if he or she could find a way to bottle and sell that.  I hope that little girl holds onto that honesty and sincerity for many years to come but  I suspect that won’t be the case. After she’s been exposed to the realities of life for a few years she’s sure to becomes more jaded and politically correct and I feel bad for her already.

For a moment she was a bright light that created a special moment in time that our select group of people was lucky enough to witness and be a part of. Every time I think I about it I can’t help but smile again.

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