01-27-2014 The New Senior Enlistment Program   3 comments

I’m a former Vet who is now in his sixties and I fondly remember most of my service time both in the United States and overseas. I received the following email from my nephew in Texas, also a former Vet, and it made me laugh out loud.  The fact that some of it makes good sense is beside the point.  I did a little editing to clean it up some and here it is.  I’m considering sending a copy to Mr. Obama.  He’s always looking for a good program or two to shove through Congress.  I use the terminology “shove through” in the most respectful way, of course.

Send to All Vets over 60 Years Old

I‘m over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You currently can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they should be sending us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry”, we’re impatient and maybe letting us kill a few assholes  that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old hates getting up before 10 a.m while us old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up and killing some of those fanatical S-O-B’s.”

If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house and away from all the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course as well.  I’ve been in combat and have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have I ever done any pushups since completing basic training.  Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too.  I’ve never seen anyone yet who could outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversations with pretty girls and he has yet to figure out that a baseball cap has a brim used to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons coming towards them.  A gang of old mean men who know their best years are already behind them.  Look out.

P.S.  How about recruiting Women over 50 especially those in menopause. You think men have bad attitudes,  OMFG. If nothing else, put them on border patrol, they’ll have it secured the first night.

Yikes!

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3 responses to “01-27-2014 The New Senior Enlistment Program

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  1. When some General tells you to “take that hill” what will you reply??? “You know General sir a person could get injured doing that, I think I’ll sit here a while and see what happens”

  2. Oh that would be good,,,I don’t think I will put my life in the hands of a 24 year old who probably has shit for brains!

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