Archive for the ‘sixties’ Tag

01-08-2016 Journal–Maine Woodstock 2016!   Leave a comment

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‘1969 was an interesting year.’

How to kill an entire Sunday.  Let me tell you how I did it.  Yesterday my better-half was scheduled to work and I was looking forward to a day of peace and quiet and time to work on MY projects. How could I even dare to imagine something like that, I should have known better.

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‘Who loves you Janis’

Unfortunately some months ago I made a commitment to her concerning the laptop she’d just purchased.  I promised I’d help her setup the new laptop by transferring all of her photographs from the old to the new. This should teach me a valuable lesson for the future. Never volunteer for something unless you’re absolutely sure you know what your getting into. I thought I knew but apparently I was once again clueless.

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‘The spooky Doors.’

I cleared off the kitchen table, fired up both computers, made a pot of coffee, and settled in for what I thought would be an hour or two of work. Oh how stupid I am.  Little did I know just how many photo’s she had scattered throughout that hard drive of her old computer. She had pictures from multiple cameras going back six years. There were videos from both her IPhone and IPad and I kid you not . . . more than ten thousand pictures taken with an assortment of past and present cell phones. She apparently has never discovered the use of the delete button.  It was a trash dump of photo’s placed on that laptop with absolutely no attempt at organization whatsoever.

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‘Jumpin Joe Cocker’

As always I fall back to the old adage “When someone gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  I found my own IPod and plugged it in, put on the headset and spent the next seven hours having a 60’s Flashback Sunday.  I started out by listening to the entire three days of Woodstock with the original recordings.  That required me to immediately switch from just coffee to coffee laced with Drambuie.  I then cranked up Joe Cocker, The Band, The Yardbirds, The Hollies, Janis Joplin, The Doors, and even the Greatest Hits of War. 

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‘My favorite band, The Band. ‘RIP Levon’

At the end of the day I’d transferred no less than twenty-five thousand pictures to the new laptop and was suffering from a serious coffee buzz overlapped with a Drambuie buzz.  There’s nothing better than Drambuie so after I finished transferring all the files I stopped drinking the coffee. From that point on it was Drambuie, Amy Winehouse  and me.  What a great way to spend the day and complete a tiresome project.

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‘Sweet Amy’

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‘Even sweeter . . . Drambuie on the lips.’

Today I’m back to what I’d call normal but still showing signs of a rather interesting hangover. For some reason my first cup of coffee this morning tasted strangely like Drambuie. How odd! I guess that’s one of the effects of time travel back to the sixties. Along with rocking out, a sore throat from all of the singing along, and being able to return home with no arrests or STD’s to show for it.

That’s what I’d call a good day in any decade.

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01-27-2014 The New Senior Enlistment Program   3 comments

I’m a former Vet who is now in his sixties and I fondly remember most of my service time both in the United States and overseas. I received the following email from my nephew in Texas, also a former Vet, and it made me laugh out loud.  The fact that some of it makes good sense is beside the point.  I did a little editing to clean it up some and here it is.  I’m considering sending a copy to Mr. Obama.  He’s always looking for a good program or two to shove through Congress.  I use the terminology “shove through” in the most respectful way, of course.

Send to All Vets over 60 Years Old

I‘m over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You currently can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they should be sending us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry”, we’re impatient and maybe letting us kill a few assholes  that desperately deserve it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old hates getting up before 10 a.m while us old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up and killing some of those fanatical S-O-B’s.”

If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house and away from all the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course as well.  I’ve been in combat and have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have I ever done any pushups since completing basic training.  Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too.  I’ve never seen anyone yet who could outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversations with pretty girls and he has yet to figure out that a baseball cap has a brim used to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons coming towards them.  A gang of old mean men who know their best years are already behind them.  Look out.

P.S.  How about recruiting Women over 50 especially those in menopause. You think men have bad attitudes,  OMFG. If nothing else, put them on border patrol, they’ll have it secured the first night.

Yikes!

08-05-2013   Leave a comment

Welcome back to the next installment of E.U.T. (Every Useless Thing) University’s on-line education program. It’s the best known reservoir for totally useless knowledge and through our detailed courses of study we will explain many of those things that have puzzled mankind for centuries.  Here are lesson plans #5 and #6. These topics are not common knowledge but we at E.U.T.U have searched for and found the truth just for you.

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Lesson #5 – How Did the “Missionary Position” Get It’s Name?

The missionary position is a position for sexual intercourse in which the man and woman lie facing each other, with the man on top of the woman. It is probably the best-known sexual position has been adopted by people for centuries.

The name of the position is widely thought to be derived from the early European missionaries, who discovered that native people in the New World were employing other unorthodox positions, such as the man penetrating the woman from behind. The missionaries taught the natives that couples facing each other was the only position that was acceptable to God (because it was more intimate, enabling both partners to see and kiss each other) and that any other position was considered unnatural. It is generally thought that these teachings were carried out by St. Paul who believed that the woman should be underneath the man during intercourse, while St. Augustine also taught that any other position was a sin against nature.

The term was first recorded in its popular definition in the 1960’s.

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Isn’t it amazing that so many of our current issues concerning sex and procreation were caused by a handful of prudish and allegedly holy men who passed it down to the “free love generation”. That irony at it’s very best.

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Lesson #6 – What is the G Spot and Where is It?

The G spot is a small area in a woman’s vagina that, when stimulated, is said to give her intense orgasms. It’s named after its discoverer Ernest Grafenberg, a German physician who conducted research on that area of the vagina in the 1950’s. In recent years.

The G spot is said to be located on the upper front vaginal wall, close to where the urethra joins the bladder. While its exact position can vary, it is commonly situated 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, directly behind the pubic bone. It is the size of a small coin and has a spongy texture, distinguishing it from the otherwise smooth vaginal wall. Many women have difficulty in finding it, and some cannot find it at all.

The G spot is usually very sensitive and is capable of hardening and swelling. When pressure is applied to it, it can stimulate the need to urinate, and it might be the organ responsible for female ejaculation. One theory for the existence of this phenomenon is that during childbirth the head of the child pushes on the G spot, triggering the ejaculation, which lubricates the birth canal and helps with the final phase of birth.

Many people still maintain that the G spot doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t contribute to orgasms in women. Others, meanwhile, claimed that it is part of the clitoris, the nerves of which penetrate deep below the surface.

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For all you men out there you can no longer deny the G spot’s existence or that you can’t to find it. The teachers from E.U.T.U. have spent countless hours and endless searching to find that magical spot, to map its location, and to supply that information to you. So guys, get off your ass and get out there and find that most important of female erogenous zones and don’t stop until you’ve been successful or you die trying.

These lessons will continue into many interesting areas that we at E.U.T.U. have been diligently researching.  They will be published as soon as possible after being received in order to keep you up to speed.  Your very welcome!

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