Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Today started out reasonably well. For a change I slept in till nine and when I awoke found my cat asleep at my feet. That explained why he hadn’t been nagging me for his breakfast. My better-half surprised both the cat and me by getting up early and feeding him. NICE!
I made the journey into the dark recesses of my man-cave and posted my blog without too much editing. NICE AGAIN!
My better-half loudly entered my man-cave without written permission to let me know we’d be going shopping in ten minutes. OKAY BUT NOT SO NICE.
We arrive at the supermarket and all of my nice feelings started to fade. The place was packed with people all scurrying around which led me to believe that another “world ending” storm of “biblical proportions” might be approaching. My better-half who monitors weather reporting religiously immediately set me straight and we continued on the shopping safari. NOT NICE.
As always I was minding my own business and cruising the aisles when I made a wrong turn and my worst nightmare was realized. Just so you know I’m a bit claustrophobic. Not only was I trapped by groups of shoppers but someone nearby was really stinking up the place. I’ve smelled my share of BO but OMFG this was more than a little offensive. I pinpointed the man in question fairly easily because ten other customers were desperately trying to get the hell away from him in state of panic. He looked relatively normal, was nicely dressed, and appeared well groomed. To quote a M*A*S*H episode, “if you took a rotten egg and put it in a dirty sock and hid it under your bed for a week” would just about cover this guy’s aroma. His one obvious handicap was his own lack of a sense of smell. REALLY NOT NICE.
I escaped finally and finished my shopping but when I spotted that dude heading for the checkout register I gave him all the room I could. He made his way through the checkout line and stopped at the cashier. The faces being made and the nasty looks he received were blatantly obvious but had no noticeable effect on him. We made it back to our car and drove away. OKAY BUT STILL NOT NICE.
Arrived home. NICE!
Today has been a relaxing and nice day. I accomplished more than I was anticipating which is always a pleasant surprise. I attempted to take a short walk earlier but good sense prevailed. I’ve never seen so many hunters in our area before. Cars are parked along the roads and the poor hunters must be having a terrible time of it. I haven’t heard a single gun shot all day which isn’t a good sign for them.
I’ve never been much of a hunter but I come from a family who celebrated deer hunting season like it was a religious holiday. In western Pennsylvania the schools are virtually empty on the first day of deer season and students aren’t even penalized for missing classes.
My father made his pilgrimage to the wilds of northern PA every year for a week of male bonding with his buddies, some good camp chili, a keg of beer, and if they were lucky a couple of deer corpses. I was invited once when I was a teenager but declined for ever after. I just never saw the point. From that day forward I was officially an outcast from all hunting discussions and related war stories at our family gatherings. Thank God my nephew Mike loved hunting and was able to join my father and the boys on their annual safari and I was forever off the hook.
I was reintroduced to the lifestyle of the hunter about five minutes after I arrived in Maine with my moving van. I stopped to gas up the U-Haul and when I walked into the gas station the first thing I saw were hundreds of photo’s tacked to the walls of customers with their deer kill. The owner saw me looking and I had to smile nicely and listen to his favorite deer killing saga with him directing me to the appropriate photo of him in his camo outfit.
This indoctrination continued nonstop for quite a few years until I finally gave up the fight. I still refuse to hunt but I can now talk about it up with best of them. My dad would have been so proud.
Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you tried to do, it just had no pizazz. That’s today for me unfortunately. It’s gray, dreary, and just cold enough to force me into wearing my winter apparel. Then I walk outside, take about twenty steps and all of a sudden I’ve sweated through my shirt. Then off comes the jacket and once again I’m freezing my ass off. It’s simply a no win situation with the cold or flu lurking in my near future. My decision is to be as lazy as possible and not work up a sweat of any kind.
I love the fall but it does have certain drawbacks. They are called LEAVES. I love Mother Nature and I love living in a rural wooded area but OMG the effing leaves. For years I’ve raked those bastard leaves into piles large enough to hide my car behind. Then I get to rake them again onto a huge tarp and attempt to drag them into the nearby woods. Saying that raking leaves sucks just doesn’t cover it.
A few years ago I lived in an area where burning leaves wasn’t permitted and most people were required to bag them and set them at the curb. If I did that now it would cost me a freaking fortune for bags and a week to fill them and stack them along the road. The town would be obliged to bring their entire fleet of trucks to cart them away and then later try in their slick governmental way to make me pay a fee. It’s just one of the few things governments do really well. They love to interfere with your life whenever possible and then work extremely hard to take money from you.
I decided this year I would win the battle with Mother Nature by becoming mechanized. I made the grand purchase of a riding mower with a grass collector figuring it would also be a great leaf cleaner-upper. Wrong again. It turned out to be a hugely expensive, red, leaf blower. For every leaf it sucked up, it threw three hundred into the air where Mother Nature could redistribute them around the yard. After my fourth pass, becoming more pissed off with each pass, I parked that mother and went inside for a cup of coffee.
After a half hour of quiet meditation to lower my blood pressure, I had another cup of my terrible coffee, and also an epiphany. A leaf solution came to me out of the blue and as always it was perfectly simple. All I had to do was pray for a week of high winds and rain storms that would blow most of the leaves into my neighbors yard. Any that were left after that would be allowed to stay right where they are until Spring. Problem solved!
So I’m off to visit my better-half who is happily slaving away for “The Man”. I think I can convince her in my charming way to eat some Chinese food for lunch and if I’m lucky she’ll get to pay the tab too. Things are looking up and screw the freaking leaves.
Another restless night for me last night due to a constant stream of really odd dreams. I’ve always liked dreaming and I find myself looking forward to them. Of course there’s the occasional, sit up and scream, nightmare but they can be interesting too.
Dreaming is the great way our mind can play with us a little. You fall asleep and can be instantly visited by old friends and family who have passed making it seem like they’ve never left.
Last night I was traveling by car with an unidentified female when we pulled into a wooded area and stopped. I looked down the nearby trail and saw a pack of approximately fifty dogs just sitting there staring at us. The leader was a huge brown Great Dane. I told my friend to stay in the car because if we wandered off they’d be on us immediately. I slowly opened my door and they all ran away in the other direction. Go figure.
I’m not much for dream analysis since I believe it’s just our mind drawing on random memories to create a story. I do find it a little strange that there seems to be an overlying theme in many of my dreams. I’m always searching for something. My car, a briefcase, and very often my clothing. I occasionally have those dreams when I’m naked in public somewhere but they don’t bother me much because I truly love being naked. Some times I find myself in flying dreams and they’re a great dream to have. My ultimate favorite without question is the dream where I’m flying and naked.
Well I’ve had my coffee and I’m ready for the day.
