Archive for the ‘naked’ Tag

07-29-2016 Journal – Sleeping Naked?!   Leave a comment

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I mentioned in a previous post that I was looking forward to a few days vacation while my better-half was babysitting at her daughter’s home.  It’s coming to an end today and while I’ve missed her terribly my sleep has been much improved.  I actually slept for a full eight hours last night for the first time in months.  Add that together with a large bed, a beautiful ceiling fan, and my naked butt . . . it was glorious.

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This is sleeping OMFG naked.

I take a look of heat from my better-half because I insist on sleeping naked. Since leaving home at age eighteen and except for two years in the Army this is my preferred method of sleeping.  I’m confused as to why so many people roll their eyes when I tell them that.  Are they prudes?  Are they religiously offended? Who knows.  One thing for sure I will defended myself vigorously if someone decides to ridicule me.

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I first have to determine exactly where they’re coming from before I retaliate.  Do they object to the word NAKED or the fact that I’m really bare assed naked in bed. I like for critics to be specific to avoid confusing me because there is a term that’s overused in some areas of the country that is similar but has a totally different meaning. That word is NEKID!  Sleeping nekid means something very different than sleeping naked.  Being nekid means there won’t be much sleeping going on and the nekid person is there to take care of business (if you get my drift).

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Who knew Harry and Draco slept nekid?

Upon her return to our bed tonight I will greet her very, very naked with serious thoughts of becoming nekid at some point.  For you critics out there don’t be afraid to think outside-the-box (no pun intended) for a change. You won’t regret it.

WELCOME HOME BABY!

06-11-2016 Journal–Things I Luv (Revised)   Leave a comment

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In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek.  Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love.  I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult.  These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.

  • My Better-half (Always first or else.)
  • My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
  • Peace & Quiet
  • My Mental Strength
  • Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
  • Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
  • A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
  • Growing Anything
  • Eating soup
  • A really dirty joke or limerick.**

** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things.  These limericks and jokes  are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.

Limerick #1

There was a woman named Lucille

who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill

they found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Limerick #2

There was a young man from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.

He said, "Oh my love,

It fits like a glove."

Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."

Limerick #3

A gay young man from Khartoum,

took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued all night,

as to who had the right

to do what, with which and to whom.

Joke #1

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Joke #2

The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"

So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?

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ENJOY YOUR DAY

01-01-2016 Journal – My Updated Love List!   2 comments

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What better way to start off the new year than to update and revise my list of the one hundred things I love. Everything changes over time and the Things I Love list has evolved as well.

As I reviewed my original list of the one hundred Things I Love,  it became painfully obvious that it no longer was accurate and badly needed updating. Initially I did the list with my tongue firmly lodged in my cheek but this newly revised list has been shortened to include only the 60 most important things as they are currently.    Here goes nothing.

THINGS I LOVE (Revised)

1.   My better-half.

2.   Licking the hairs at the base of her spine.

3.   Truth.

4.   People watching.

5.   Learning how anything is made.

6.   Seeing her naked.

7.   Sex in the morning.

8.   Movies that make me laugh.

9.   Making people laugh.

10. Painting.

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11. Small breasts.

12. Kissing her.

13. Computers.

14. Reading anything.

15. Being naked in the morning.

16. Real coffee.

17. Photography.

18. Oldies.

19. My Cat.

20. Science fiction.

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‘Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge!’

21. Science.

22. Creating anything.

23. Star Wars.

24. Juicy fantasies.

25. Orgasm’s anytime.

26. Hard work.

27. Hating politicians.

28. The ocean.

29. Watching her lips on me.

30. Honesty.

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‘It’s always good to know and follow the rules. Here they are.’

31. Sex in the evening.

32. Movies that make me cry.

33. Medium breasts.

34. BJ’s in the morning.

35. Snow.

36. Wine.

37. Hiking in the woods.

38. Skinny dipping.

39. Eating anything while naked.

40. Long sloppy, tongue-sucking kisses.

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‘Oh Baby!’

41. Voyeurism.

42. Chocolate.

43. Being naked in the afternoon.

44. Large breasts.

45. BJ’s in the afternoon.

46. Sex at night.

47. Movies that make me hot.

48. Girl watching.

49. Building anything.

50. Pretty feet.

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‘All she needs now is some blood red polish.’

51. Computers.

52. Holding hands.

53. Watching her sleep.

54. Being naked at night.

55. Accomplishing anything.

56. Huge breasts.

57. Squirting.

58. BJ’s at night.

59. Masturbation, alone or with a friend.

60. Snoodling with her.

Well that should get 2016 started in a proper fashion.  I have a few other lists that need to be updated and I’ll be getting to them soon.

HAPPY 2016

12-28-2015 Journal–New Year’s Resolutions!   3 comments

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Thank God the Christmas season is finally behind us for another year. As much as I enjoy it while it lasts,  when it’s over it’s over. Let’s’ move right along to the next all consuming holiday, New Years. It’s during this in-between time every year that I usually do a final review of my New Year’s resolutions and introduce my list for 2016. With that in mind here is a quick recap of 2015.

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2015

1.  I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year. COMPLETED – I’m now up to 46 minutes.

2.  I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them. COMPLETED, This one was easy.

3.  I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R". COMPLETED: This one was even easier.

CAUSTIC COMMENT – Goodbye OBAMA, your fifteen minutes is almost over.

4.  I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he’s started repeating damn near everything. COMPLETED

5.  I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandsons) who irritate, annoy or piss me off. COMPLETED, and still going strong.

6.  I vow to stop flirting with just anyone.  There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not good for my self esteem.  INCOMPLETE, It’s really difficult to break this semi-bad habit but my hearts not really into trying.

7.  For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window.  It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.  COMPLETE, Due entirely to my better-half’s purchase of a new window treatment.

8.  I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws. INCOMPLETE, I have a few new scars but he really deserves being messed with whenever possible.

9.  I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month. INCOMPLETE, I’m just not getting it done.

10. Read 2 books a week for a year. COMPLETE, 104 AS OF 12/29/2015.

Now for my resolutions for 2016. I’ve been giving these a lot of thought because I feel the need to shake things up a little. Here goes.

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2016

1.  With the help of my better-half, complete the family recipe book. We’ve procrastinated long enough.

2.  Complete my blog book for 2015.

3.  Between August 8th and New Years, complete at least one more tandem skydive.

4.  Buy a dog.

5.  Keep my foul language to an absolute minimum around the grand kids. I know at some point they’ll both learn all those nasty words but let it be from someone other than me.

6.  Set aside at least two days a month for some quality time with my camera along the Maine coast or in the woods.

7.  Try as hard as I can to give a damn about politics. You should know this  resolution has absolutely no chance of ever being accomplished.

8.  Try to be a little more confrontational and assertive with ignorant people who insist on annoying me.  No more Mr. Nice Guy.

9.  Stop eating potato chips.

10. Set time aside to get back into sketching and painting.  I’ve gotten away from it for a few years and it’s time to return.

There you have it.  I completed seventy percent of my resolutions for 2015 and I’m really proud of myself but I’m also reasonably sure the list for this year will be a lot more difficult. 

I can only keep on keeping on.

10-21-2015 Journal – Dreams, Both Dry and Wet!   Leave a comment

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I’m still lying in bed this morning and wondering what this day will bring. I seem to be unmotivated more than usual and I’m trying to snap out of it but it isn’t working all that well. I just poured my second cup of coffee which I hope will jolt me enough to get me moving.

It’s been a week of cold nights, semi-warm days, and some of the weirdest nightmares and dreams I can ever remember having. The dreams started in earnest about five nights ago and I remember the details rather vividly. That in itself is a little usual and the fact that they’ve been extremely sexual is just a plus I suppose.

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I’ve always loved dreaming and actually look forward to having them and remembering them. Dreams just fascinate me.  I realize that almost everything we’ve ever seen or done in our lives is stored away in our brain somewhere but how that information is accessed and displayed in a dream is awesome and mysterious.  It’s like having a time machine that makes it possible for us to drop into our past, see any number of old friends, dead family members, and some special situations with a twist of the weird thrown into the mix.  I especially like the weird dreams and can only pray that I remember all of the juicy little details.  As with everything the devil is always in the details and there seems to be plenty of devil in my dreams of late.

Dreams also make it possible to mend old relationships.  Over the years my dreams have made it possible for me to develop a better relationship with my late father and to even mentally create a better relationship with a borderline horrible ex-wife. Little does she know all of the wonderful things she’s done for me and to me in my dreams.  Some good, some really fantastic, and a few that were utterly disgusting.  Oh baby!

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In my dreams I’m always searching for something. I’ve either lost my car or can’t find the person, place, or thing I’m looking for. While I’m searching I run into people I knew or people I thought I knew and have some truly strange adventures.  In many of these adventures I have the ability to fly which is really cool. I’m also naked in many of the dreams which can be troubling but it makes flying a whole lot more fun. I’m not sure why exactly but my dreams have gotten progressively more interesting as I’ve aged. I have no idea why and believe me I’m not complaining.

My morning caffeine is  finally kicking in and this lemon poppy seed muffin is absolutely scrumptious.  I’m almost ready to leap to my feet, throw on some clothes, and go do something. I’ll wait a few more minutes before leaving this bed because I desperately want to rerun the dream I had last night.

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Where else but in a dream could I be snuggling up with a warm, naked, and exceptionally friendly, Lindsay Lohan. Up until last night I wasn’t even a fan but after that dream we shared I may have to reconsider her status. I’ve always considered her to be a somewhat sleazy character but in that dream she’s proven herself to be all that and more. 

I can’t wait for tonight.

12-29-2014 New Year Resolutions!   Leave a comment

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With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015.  In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions.  It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.

2014

  • Read five books a month. COMPLETED
  • Teach the grandson  one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
  • Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
  • Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
  • Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
  • Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors.  I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
  • Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED

Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff.  I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.

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  • I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
  • I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
  • I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
  • I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
  • I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
  • I vow to stop flirting with just anyone.  There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
  • For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window.  It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
  • I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
  • I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.

I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June.  Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time.  As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

07-15-2013   2 comments

I hope all of you celebrated that fantastic and relatively new national observance yesterday, International Nude Day.  Forevermore the fourteenth of July will be naked day, a day for streaking or strutting your stuff on the nude beach of your choice.  I suppose if your exceptionally brave you can give it a go on a normal public beach but it could get a little dicey.  You can never forget just how prudish and hypocritical we citizens of the United States can be. 

We love our porn, prostitution is flourishing, dozens of skin magazines are published every month, and revealing clothing is the order of the day with most fashion houses and clothing retailers. Adult Shops and peep shows are thriving but if any young mother attempts to feed her infant in public, she’s ridiculed and forced to cover her breast, baby, and sometimes her head so as not to embarrass or shock anyone.  It’s just ridiculous.

Hypocrisy comes easily to righteous people who criticize others for what they do themselves.  That’s why I’m surprised this observance was ever enacted. Here’s a short blurb explaining just what’s going on.

* * *

New Zealand’s (and now the world’s) National Nude day is not a public holiday but a day to celebrate the human form.

Brain child of former All Black and TV presenter Marc Ellis, National Nude Day (also now known as International Nude Day) is a celebration of the skin with much fun attached. The concept has been adopted by particularly Dunedin students (Scarfies) where getting nude is nothing new. Dunedin is a legend University City in the south of New Zealand.

Nude Day is a one day a year that all in NZ can celebrate nudeness, nakedness, being in the nuddy, running free in all your original raw beauty, putting on your best birthday suit. It’s day everyone can participate in, fat, skinny, big, small, firm, soft and the flabby can all get involved.

Everyone in the world celebrate your body and celebrate New Zealand and the Worlds Nude Day it’s liberating and it’s beautiful. Our bodies are the only things we own, be proud of them no matter what shape or size you are.

* * *

So lets all get out there, strip off some clothing and show the world how sophisticated we pretend to be.  Just get two or three friends and waltz along a crowded beach in the buff and watch the fun begin.  The police would appear almost immediately.  Probably quicker for a “naked” call than for a double murder.  There’d be screaming, finger pointing, and panic among those well disguised God Squad members wearing their bikinis and thongs.  Is being naked all that much different than that.  I don’t think so.  Plan on a grand celebration next year.  Naked, dancing, strutting, and proud.

10-28-2012   Leave a comment

Another restless night for me last night due to a constant stream of really odd dreams.  I’ve always liked dreaming and I find myself looking forward to them.  Of course there’s the occasional, sit up and scream, nightmare but they can be interesting too.

Dreaming is the great way our mind can play with us a little.  You fall asleep and can be instantly visited by old friends and family who have passed making it seem like they’ve never left.

Last night I was traveling by car with an unidentified female when we pulled into a wooded area and stopped.  I looked down the nearby trail and saw a pack of approximately fifty dogs just sitting there staring at us.  The leader was a huge brown Great Dane.  I told my friend to stay in the car because if we wandered off they’d be on us immediately.  I slowly opened my door and they all ran away in the other direction. Go figure.

I’m not much for dream analysis since I believe it’s just our mind drawing on random memories to create a story.  I do find it a little strange that there seems to be an overlying theme in many of my dreams.  I’m always searching for something.  My car, a briefcase, and very often my clothing.  I occasionally have those dreams when I’m naked in public somewhere but they don’t bother me much because I truly love being naked.  Some times I find myself in flying dreams and they’re a great dream to have. My ultimate favorite without question is the dream where I’m flying and naked.

Well I’ve had my coffee and I’m ready for the day.

Posted November 1, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying

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