Archive for the ‘gas prices’ Tag
Today is what will probably turn into a do-nothing, boring, day of reading, and not much else. We’re still caught in between seasons here in Maine which means the weather is all screwed up and annoying. The snowfall from our recent storm is 90% gone but it’s still awfully cold at night. It’s just cold enough to require heavy clothing that makes you begin to sweat as soon as you put it on. Then you remove it to cool down, get cold, and put the clothing back on and sweat some more. It’s no wonder everyone seems to be suffering either from colds or any one of many flu viruses that seem to be going around.
I’ve spent the last few days at home and only leaving the house for wine or food emergencies. All that means is if I’m short on wine and my favorite foods I will brave the cold and crappy weather regardless. Minor errands or stupid shopping forays are not what I consider an emergency no matter what my better-half tells me.
While I’m thinking about that here are a few dirty jokes to brighten your day. We’ll start with a bar joke. Everyone loves a good and dirty bar joke.
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
Having worked for a few retail companies over the years I thought a little retail humor was warranted. I looked for years trying to find a salesman like this.
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A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’"
This joke goes a long way to explain how long term marriages seem to work.
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids….."
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? This little list makes one think, and may put things in perspective:
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 $ 9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon
Pepto-Bismol 4 oz $3.85 $123.20 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER . . .
Evian water 9 oz $1.49 $21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 FOR WATER! . . . and most buyers don’t even
know the source. But then again "EVIAN" spelled
backwards is "Naïve."
HAVE A GREAT DAY
Do you have termites? Are you aware of termites? If you answered yes to those two questions then you are eligible to participate in Termite Awareness Week celebrated between March 25-29. Another of those socially responsible and politically correct observances that no one ever pays attention to. I really don’t have more more to say in the matter since it’s a totally ridiculous observance. I just thought it was my civic duty to make everyone aware. What’s the point in having observances if no one is observing.
I’m about to rant a bit about a few things political so those of you with your heads in the sand may want to go elsewhere. This morning my better-half and I made the mistake of going food shopping at a local establishment. I hope your all as happy as I am to see the food prices continuing to skyrocket. It was also a good week for bad news for those of us on a fixed income. Medicare costs are climbing at a rate well beyond food costs, gas prices are climbing to near $4.00 a gallon, and my taxes are going through the roof. Am I I permitted to complain and bitch or is that against the rules these days. My Medicare Supplemental program just advised me that my monthly premiums will be increased approximately 55% in the coming months along with most of the deductibles and co-pays. Just good news all around thanks to the skilled crafters of the Obamacare Medical Plan and the big “O” himself.
My doctor of 12 years announced a month ago that he and his wife (also a doctor) had sold their practice and were leaving the country. It was no longer possible for them to afford to stay here under the preposterous government mandated Obamacare increases and restrictive rules. Remind me to thank the effing President for nothing except maybe destroying the countries healthcare system and the economy in one fatal swoop.
I hope all of you Obama supports will line up at the polls in a few years to help elect him for a third term. I figure he’s been working diligently to find a way to bypass the constitution once again and make himself President/King/Dictator for life. Then we can show the world what a second rate country we really are becoming with our own version of Hugo Chavez.
What a freaking nightmare!
The Maryland trip is now a thing of the past. We returned home last night after eight and a half wonderful hours in the car. As predicted my better-half was hung over and slept a great deal of the time. No Christmas carol singing, no annoying driving tips, and no blaring music. It was absolute heaven.
But have no fear, it wasn’t all good. Let me take you on a trip back to fifteenth century France. In those days the citizenry were permitted to use the roads in the country only with the King’s blessing. Every so often while traveling through the country side they might be ambushed by groups of highwaymen who took their money and jewels and disappeared into the woods. If they were wealthy they might have hired extra security to ride along with them for protection from such ruffians. It was a primitive system but it worked well for the rich. In those days the poor were lucky to have a two wheeled cart to get around on. It was mostly on foot since the cost to travel couldn’t be afforded by the great unwashed.
Aren’t we lucky to live in this century with all of our modern technologies to make our lives so much better than those poor schmucks from the past? We don’t have highwaymen to worry about because we now have toll booths. It’s not just the King’s men reaching out of those booths but every petty little dictatorship along the way takes their share as well. The Kings of Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Maine have now made it even more painful to have our money stolen. Thievery thy name is “Easy Pass”. Now the highwaymen have made it possible to take our money and never having to dirty their hands by touching it.
My trip consisted of just over a thousand miles round-trip. I won’t even get into gas prices and the taxes they’ve been loaded up with. My grand total of tolls to make that trip to visit family was just under one hundred dollars. The most “in your face” toll goes to who else but New York. Thirteen freaking dollars to ride over a fucking bridge. Pardon the bad language but only an F-bomb aptly describes how I felt handing over that money. Let’s make it easy for you math whizzes, 1000 mile trip with $100.00 in tolls. I find it incredible that I’m being strong-armed into paying ten cents an effing mile to travel on roads I’ve already paid my hard earned taxes to build and maintain. Then they have the nerve at every Rest Area to try and sell me an Easy Pass transponder. I guess they feel if we don’t actually have to take it out of our wallet and hand it directly to a toll taker it won’t hurt quite so much. Wrong again geniuses.
I hear a lot of people talking about secession and revolution these days and I’m beginning to understand why. It seems that this country has started down a really ugly road. Just remember that “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it." The younger generations have been educated to hate this country and to ignore it’s history. Here’s something they can’t ignore, “Taxation without representation is tyranny.” It was a slogan of our past revolutionary fight and could be again if we’re not careful.
The cherry on top of the trip occurred at a McDonalds rest stop at the New York/Connecticut border. I was starving and needed gas so we stopped for a quick break. In my younger days my perfect woman would have been one who was attractive, worked at a fast food chain (free food), and smelled like greasy hamburgers and french fries. I’m here to tell you those days are officially over. The girl at the register and the entire facility fulfilled all of my past fantasies and then some. I arrived home a few hours later and had to take a long shower to get the smell of grease off my body. Of course this morning I could still taste that greasy hamburger and had the heart burn to prove it and it was steal at seven bucks. Another New York bargain.
It was a fun weekend for us both if we can forget the travel there and back. I’m sooooo glad to be home.
everyuselessthing.com 