In my younger days I considered myself a scratch golfer. I played with many of my friends, family, and people I worked with for years and always had a great time. I thought today I’d lighten things up a little with some golfing jokes. I’m sure all of you golfers out there will appreciate these three jokes but I can honestly say they can’t compare to the experiences I actually had with my friends and family. Enjoy . . .
One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed up in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want with me.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. “Sure, I’d love to play, says George, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” So, Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9 AM and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah, sounds great”, says George. “But I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” The following Saturday, again, all four golfers, show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about 10 minutes late, so wait for me.” Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use and every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple of months, Ted is pretty damn tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about 10 minutes late, but you’re right on time. You then beat us either left-handed or right-handed, what’s the story? “Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So, what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” “Well . . . That’s one of days I’ll be 10 minutes late.”
A man constantly and continuously talked only about golf. His angry wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t talk about something else. She: “Let’s talk about sex.” He: “I wonder if Tiger Woods got laid last night?”
I realize that many people who have never played golf, dislike the game immensely. I harken back to the days when George Carlin complained constantly about all the acreage wasted on the game of golf across the country. I started golfing at the age of 12 with my father and played consistently for 30 years until he was unable to play any longer. We had quite a competition during those years, and I remember a day of grand celebration when I was in my early 20s and I won my first dime from him. I still have that dime framed and hanging in my man cave to this day and every time I look at it makes me smile. I sure do miss him. Some of the funniest sports stories I’ve ever heard involved golfers and I’m going to share a few of them with you today. Let’s get started.
One day Bob Hope was playing golf with Sam Goldwyn, the movie producer. On one hole Goldwyn missed an easy 2-foot putt. He became so angry that he threw his putter away in disgust and walked away. When nobody was looking, Hope picked up the club and stuck it in his own golf bag.
On the next hole, Hope, who was a fine golfer, used the putter Goldwyn had thrown away, and sank a 20-footer. “That’s very good,” Goldwyn said. “Let me see that putter for a minute.”
Goldwyn closely examined the club, took a few practice putts with it and said, “I like this club very much. Will you sell it to me?” “Sure,” Hope replied. “It’ll cost you $50.” Many years later Sam Goldwyn found out that he had paid $50 for a club he had just thrown away.
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem.
One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that lay on top of the workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the chute, he found a novel solution. He played the shoe.
The immortal Bobby walloped the shoe, which assumed off the wheelbarrow. The ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped up to the green and holed out for a par.
Now it’s my turn to add one of my personal stories. My father was quite a good golfer, but he had quite a bad temper as well. We were five holes into our round of golf one afternoon and he was having serious problems with his tee shots. He had a favorite driver that he loved, and that love affair ended that day. As he teed off on the fifth hole he sliced directly into the woods to the right of the fairway. I won’t repeat the string of obscenities I heard as he threw that damn club high up into the trees. It was tangled and mangled forty feet off the ground and remained there for 20 years. As we frequently played that course, we never failed to mention his bad temper and that terrible slice each time we passed that hole. Always lots of laughter and additional curse words of course. He was forced by his physical problems to stop golfing as his retirement neared. My closest friend and I went to the golf course one dark night, climbed that stupid tree and retrieved his mangled club. I had it cleaned and mounted on a lovely walnut plaque which was presented to him at his retirement party. A great night for all concerned and that damn club still hangs in my sister’s house to this day.
I’ve always considered myself to be an ambidextrous person which has made it necessary for me to read anything I can find on the subject. There are arguments and discussions both pro and con as to whether a person is really ambidextrous or just cross-dominant. Cross-dominance apparently is defined as the ability to use either hand for specific tasks but not being able to use both hands for all tasks. That sounds confusing I know so further discussion is required.
As a child in elementary school I began writing with my left hand almost immediately. Teachers in those days actually discouraged left-handedness and required those children to write with their right hands. I was chastised enough that I soon learned to write right-handed and have been doing so ever since. Oddly enough I can still right with my left but not quite as clearly. This was just the start of right-handed people attempting to change me. To a young kid it was a bit traumatic and created a great deal of confusion for me.
I was heavily into sports and the problem was again raised almost immediately. As I began training I wasn’t sure which hand I wanted to throw with. Attempts were made to force me into right-handedness but I fought against it this time. The end result was a successful career as a baseball player who threw and batted both ways. I pitched a number of Little League games over the years using either hand. In one game I actually pitched a portion of a game right-handed and when my arm tired, finished the last few innings left-handed. I felt good about it since it caused people to finally leave me alone to my mixed abilities.
Growing up our family was not wealthy or well-to-do so I was forced to make other compromises. My father was an avid golfer and started me golfing at an early age. I was taught to golf right-handed because the cost of left-handed clubs at that time was out of our reach. Many years later as a joke I rented a set of left-handed clubs at a local course and actually shot a reasonably decent score much to my Dad’s surprise. It took a while for me to make the adjustment back to left-handed but I was thrilled I was able to pull it off.
There are a few real benefits to being ambidextrous. I can hammer and nail with both hands and I can paint with either hand (artistically or house painting). It makes painting and hammering less tiring when you can switch off when necessary. I also found I had an unusual ability to write with both hands simultaneously. With my right hand I write normally and with the left I am able to write backwards. It’s a useless talent but has won me me a lot of drinks in a lot of bars over the years. Also being able to pick one’s nose with either hand is an ability your all probably jealous of. I still have no answer as to which category I fall into but that’s okay, it’s taken years but I’ve adjusted to it either way.
I only hope that kids with the same abilities aren’t still being manipulated to be something their not. Whether your a lefty or a righty doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you be permitted to be what you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.
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