I recently posted about my historic meeting ( historic for me) with “Stan the Man” Musial in 1961. One person I failed to mention was another first baseman who I met prior to a playoff game in in Williamsport. I was fortunate to meet an elderly gentleman seated in the stands behind home plate. He was my number two all time favorite player since he was also a first baseman. It was the great George Harold Sisler. Todays post will be a short bio on Mr. Sisler which will stun you. I still treasure meeting him and getting his autograph to this day. Lets do a little time traveling and learn about a true baseball legend.
In 1915 Sisler was pitching for the Saint Louis Browns when his manager approached him and convinced him to give up pitching and become their first baseman. He was hesitant but went along. He was a self-effacing player and took to his new job immediately. In his first eight seasons he compiled an incredible batting average of .367! In 1920 he hit .407 and two seasons later he batted .420. In 1920 he had 257 hits. In his 16 years as a first baseman he hit safely 2812 times, stole 375 bases, and wound up with a lifetime batting average of .340.
His career was shortened when he was stricken with a disease that effected his optic nerve causing double vision. He still starred in the league for an additional eight years and was able to bat over .340 twice even with his bad eyes. In three of his last eight years he collected 200 hits and in his last season he still batted over .300.
I decided this post needed to be put out there because so many of the early Hall of Famers who helped make the sport so great are slowing being forgotten. But not by me!
I’m posting today from my living room on an old and somewhat unreliable laptop, It’s unreliable because it’s incredibly slow. My man-cave has been taken over by a gentleman who is spending this week removing our twenty year old heating sysytem and replacing it with a new and updated unit. Unfortunately for me that unit is in my man-cave and I was told to vacate the area by my better-half. So I hope to post this by the end of the day. Todays post contains three dirty jokes. Since we all need a little humor everyday it shouldn’t matter if they are a little corny and silly. These jokes were discovered in a book from an obscure on-line bookstore and were published in 1976. Lame and a little out of date but still humorous. Enjoy them . . .
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So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the lower Easr Side when the husband said, “Doris we’re in bad shape, inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isnt due for a week and we’ve got no money for food.” “Could I do anything to help?” she asked.”Yes” he said. “I hate to see you do this but it’s the only way, You’re going to have to go out on the street and hustle.” “Me?” she said “At the age of sixty-five.?” “It’s the only way,” he said. Resigned to the situation she put on a short skirt and went out into the cold night. She came staggering in early the next morning and he asked, “How did you do?” “Here”, she said “I’ve got four dollars and ten cents.” “Four dollars and ten cents, who in the hell gave you the ten cents?” “Everybody.” she said.
This fellow rushed into a crowed tavern on Saturday night, Men and women stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, lookd around but couldn’t see anyting emotely resembling a bathroom. He saw a stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly desperate search. Just as his bowels theatened to erupt, he spotted a one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he decided to take advantagee of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, that the bar that had been so crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty. “Hey!” he yelled to the seemingly empty room, “Where is everyone?” From behind the bar a voice responded, “Where were you when the shit hit the fan?”
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Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He’d do pushup and somersaults to limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just laid around on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious to ask Stanley why he exercised so much. Stanly said, “Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I’m going to be that one.” A few days later they felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptedly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of the others. All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began swimming back with all his might. “GO BACK! GO BACK!,” he screamed,it’s a blow job.
It appears today will be a slow day. Gray skies, rainy, and just chilly enough to let us know that snow is on the way soon. With that depressing thought in mind I’ll be lazy and post some little known facts you may not have heard before.
The first soda can was developed in 1938 by the Continental Can Company for the ginger ale drink Clicquot in Massachusetts. RC Cola was the first soft drink company to nationally distribute soda in cans in 1954.
In 1968, the Navy spent $400,00.00 in a study of Frisbees in wind tunnels, using cameras and computers. The results were never published.
Dr. Joseph Bell inspired the character of Sherlock Holmes. In 1877 when Arthur Conan Doyle was studying to be a doctor, Bell was one of his professors. Dr. Bell had excellent deductive abilities when observing people.
The state of Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw Indians words: “okla” meaning people and “humma” meaning red, so the state’s name literally means “red people”.
To satisfy President Ronald Reagan more than 24 thousand pounds of jelly beans were ordered by the White House during his two terms in office.
On July 11, 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr shot and killed the Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel in Weehawken, New Jersey.
James Madison stood only 5’4′. He was also the lightest president weighing in at just a 100 pounds.
On April 11,1912, pinstripes appeared on the uniforms of the Highlanders, who were the forerunners of the New York Yankees.
In 1872 the Equal Rights Party nominated Victoria Claflin Woodhall for the Presidency. This was at a time when, nationwide, women were not allowed to vote.
Aldous Huxley published his novel Brave New World in 1933. George Orwell followed in 1949 with “1984”of a society run by the Thought Police and Big Brother.
I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I did a lot of reminiscing today as I was leafing through many old files and folders from my early years a a police officer. As I reviewed these documents I was truly amazed just how much paperwork I still retained from those “good old days”. I found a few things that were really old but still really funny. The following statements were supplied to actual police officer’s and were copied directly from their official accident reports. As always the truth is stranger than fiction.
WOMEN
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“A invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and then vanished.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
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MEN
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
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Welcome to the OMG club. Now you’ve heard it all too.
“Today is the start of another new month and believe me when I tell you that they’ll keep coming faster and faster as you age. I’ve made the decision recently to once again reduce this blog to posting only twice a week instead of the current three days (Tuesdays, Thursdays & Saturdays). It makes sense going forward for me to begin posting only on Tuesdays and Thursdays because the readership during the summer months is substantially reduced. If things improve in the Fall and I’m sure they will, I’ll probably reconsider my decision. That being said I hope you all have a pleasant and happy summer.”
Now on to todays post. This post is primarily for those of you who either have or have contact with young children. These questions were compiled by a large group of highly educated professionals. They’re not a right or wrong kind of quiz but one that will certainly spark some interesting conversations. This first installment will give you ten questions to work with. Future installments will continue until we’ve reviewed all 268. Have fun reviewing them with the kids and hopefully you’ll both learn a few things about each other.
If you ruled the world and could have anything you wanted, and people would do anything you wanted, do you think you’d get greedy and mean or be good and fair?
Do you think boys or girls have it easier?
If your mother promised to be home at 2:00 in the afternoon to take you to the movies but didn’t show up until suppertime and didn’t even phone, what would be a good punishment for her? Would punishing her be likely to make her on time in the future?
If all of your best friends were wiling to be absolutely honest and tell you exactly what they liked and disliked about you, would you want them to?
Would you rather have a strict teacher who was fair and taught you a lot or one who was relaxed and fun but didn’t teach you much?
One day your father gets a really weird idea and dyes his hair green and puts a ring through his nose. Knowing everyone would be looking at him and snickering, would you go shopping with him if he wanted your company?
When you make a mistake, do you make up excuses? If so, do you think people believe you?
If you could have a round-trip in a time machine and travel any distance into the past or the future, where would you want to go?
If a friend had an important secret and didn’t want other people to learn about it, would telling you the secret be a big mistake?
If your parents were worried about a serious problem that had nothing to do with you directly, would you want them to tell you about it or would you rather not know?
Well, there you have the first ten questions. I hope they’ll help you help the children to learn about themselves.
Today I thought I should step away from all of the excitement connected with the World Cup. The endless supply of Tik-Toker’s are doing a fine job of informing the world about the USA and I’m sincerely happy about that. Reality will return soon enough, so enjoy our time in the sun as best you can. Todays post is a collection of thoughts and opinions by one of my favorite writers and philosophers, Oscar Wilde. He was a figure both loved and hated due to his many writings and personal exploits. I’ve always appreciated his Irish sense of humor and skilled and vicious use of sarcasm. A warning for those of you (myself included) who wield the sharp sword of sarcasm at every turn. It’s always a hazardous hobby even on the good days. Let’s get started.
ON WOMEN
“American women are pretty and charming: little oases of elegant unreasonableness in a vast desert of practical common sense.”
“Women are meant to be loved, not understood.”
“A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, as long as other women are looking on.”
“I like men who have a future, and women who have a past.”
“If you really want to know what a women means, which is dangerous, always look at her but never listen.”
ON MEN
“Men become old, they never become good.”
“I sometime think that God, in creating man, rather overestimated his ability.”
“If a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough, and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is likely to be bad for him.”
“A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her.”
ON LOVE & MARRIAGE
“London is full of women who trust their husbands; one can always recognize them because they look so thoroughly unhappy.”
“The only real tragedy in a woman’s life is that her past is always her lover, and her future is invariably her husband.”
“There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman; it’s a thing that no married man knows anything about.”
“Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious: both are disappointed.”
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ONE OF MY FAVORITES
“No great artist sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.”
It amazes me that anyone who spends time telling dirty jokes to friends, family, or acquaintances, thinks their jokes are the most hilarious of all time. Some folks have the ability to remember dozens of dirty jokes which helps them to become the life of the party. That’s not me. I’ve heard many hundreds of jokes over the years and some were truly side-splittingly funny. I may repeat a joke a few times but even the really funny ones slowly fade from my memory and unless I write them down, they’re just gone. Now to my point. I have in my hot little hand a book published in 1976. It’s titled “The Worlds Best Dirty Jokes” and the book was compiled by the unidentified “Mr. J”. Why he thought his collection was the worlds best dirty jokes I will never understand. I offer up two of those jokes from that book for your enjoyment. I’ll bet anything that you’ll think your jokes are funnier than these.
The famous Greek ship owner Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece. He said to the architect, “Don’t disturb that tree over there because directly under that tree is where I had my first sexual experience.” “How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle,” the architect said, Right under that tree.” “Yes,” continued Ori, “And don’t touch that tree over there either. Because that’s where her mother stood watching while I was having my first sex.” “Her mother just stood there while you were screwing her daughter?” the architect asked. “Yes”, said Mr. Oristotle. “But Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?” “She said, BAAAA”
I hope you didn’t hurt yourself with all of the hilarious side-spitting laughter from that jewel.
*NEXT*
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Lee and Larry were a pair of winos. They woke up with the shakes one afternoon to find they only had $.40 between them. Lee began to climb the walls, but Larry said calmly, ” Look, old man, give me the forty cents and I’ll show you how we can drink free all day.” So they went into a diner, and Lee bought a hotdog, which he stuck in Larry’s fly. Next, they went into a nearby bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for payment, Lee got down on the floor and started sucking on Larry’s hotdog which they had placed in his pants. The bartender screamed, “You goddamn perverts, get the hell out of here.” They repeated the scenario in more than a dozen bars and finally, Lee complained, “Listen Larry, it was a great scheme but my knees are getting sore from hitting the floor so much.” Larry shook his head, “You should complain,” he said. “We lost the damn hotdog after the second bar.
I just experienced a rare Spring day here in Maine. There was real actual sunshine and really large and fluffy white clouds in a deep blue sky. Beautiful right? That one beautiful day has to be remembered in as much detail as possible because we rarely get that kind of perfect day. The rest of the year we hunker down to await the return of the Sun at least once more before Winter sets in. That’s when many, many, (and I do mean many) Mainers retire to their favorite local bars, pubs, or watering holes to sit around and loudly and rudely discuss just how wonderful that next sunny day will be. Then we sip a taste (or two) of our favorite drinks to help fuel more of the loud and disorderly discussions (which require even more alcohol) and to further argue about what the weather might be tomorrow.
So here I sit in a local Maine Alcohol Distribution Center (my man-cave) where interesting discussions are rarely heard because no-one really cares anyway. See if these few questions of sports trivia are more interesting that what your currently discussing and/or drinking? Answers will be listed below.
Baseball
Throwing a no-hitter is tough, but which major league pitcher tossed back-to-back no-hitters in 1938.
How many times did Yogi Berra play in a World Series game?
Basketball
What basket ball team was responsible for ending UCLA’s 88 game winning streak in 1974?
Which tall man won the NBA “Defensive Player of the Year” in 2009, 210, 2011?
Football
Which legendary football innovator was affectionately know as “Papa Bear”?
When the Packer and Seahawks met in week 3 of the 2012 season. Who was ruled as having scored the game winning touchdown on what some have dubbed the ‘Failed Mary”?
Hockey
On November 1, 1959 which goaltender was the first in NHL history to wear a full face protective mask?
What famous “goon” holds the NHL career record with 3,966 penalty minutes?
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BONUS
What year introduced Beach Volleyball to the Olympics in Atlanta.
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Answers
Johnny Vander Meer, 14, North Carolina, Dwight Howard – Orlando Magic, George Halas, Golden Tate, Jacques Plante (after stitches to his lip), Dave “Tiger” Williams, BONUS-1996
For you millennials who may read this post I’m giving you fair warning. I’m a eighty year old man who wants to tell you a story that will be a little sappy and hopefully a little funny but everything will be true. And before you start reading and rolling your eyes at what I say remember that I was much like you (a millennial) in the wild and wacky 1960’s when almost everything was always out of control. At that time I perfected that eye roll you’re probably still using today. Being alive in the sixties was a “trip” to say the least. Free love, an over abundance of drugs, with Rock & Roll as our mantra. My best friend and I were in constant trouble from stealing booze and cigarettes from our parents to the occasional visits from state and local police. We thought we had all the answers but were kept from getting really crazy by my ever so vigilant parents. I had my first official date and fell in love immediately until we were sidetracked by both her parents and mine who squashed our love like a bug. Then I crashed my fathers new car resulting in more eye rolling and some serious ass kicking. I decided then that maybe college would be a good change to let me live my life my way. I mean, how right could my parents be, they were over forty years old and obviously had no clue about things. So, I headed off to college to start my next millennial adventure . . .
College wasn’t an adventure but it was very strange. I was just one knucklehead in a rather large group of other knuckleheads trying to adjust to a life of freedom without parents. My biggest problem was adjusting from my father’s strict rules for everything to having no rules at all. I drank way too much and chased young ladies way too much, and learned almost nothing. I cut classes, constantly overslept and was a miserable failure as a student. In my third year I dropped out without alerting my parents and spent the remainder of the money I’d saved entertaining roommates and other friends (mainly females). But the damn college just had to go and notify my parents that I was a no-show and OMG were they irate (another huge parental eye roll). I returned home as a failed millennial with no money, no job, and two parents who would never let me forget what an ass I’d become.
Lets skip ahead to my enlistment in the Army, my time as a state police officer in Pennsylvania , getting married, finishing my bachelors degree, to getting an upper level management job with a national corporation, and finally retiring from the State of Maine’s Judicial Branch. My point is that if I can survive my millennial years, so can you. Truthfully, if you think about it everyone has a millennial period at some time in their life. It’s also true that human beings seem compelled to give everyone and everything a nickname (usually derogatory). There’s the Boomers (that’s me), the Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and hundreds of others. It’s all just so much bullshit. Just remember this important fact. In a few years many of you will marry and have children. What will their nicknames be when they hit their millennial years and begin to drive you absolutely crazy? Some thing you can look forward to. It’s called the “Circle of Life”. LOL
