It amazes me that anyone who spends time telling dirty jokes to friends, family, or acquaintances, thinks their jokes are the most hilarious of all time. Some folks have the ability to remember dozens of dirty jokes which helps them to become the life of the party. That’s not me. I’ve heard many hundreds of jokes over the years and some were truly side-splittingly funny. I may repeat a joke a few times but even the really funny ones slowly fade from my memory and unless I write them down, they’re just gone. Now to my point. I have in my hot little hand a book published in 1976. It’s titled “The Worlds Best Dirty Jokes” and the book was compiled by the unidentified “Mr. J”. Why he thought his collection was the worlds best dirty jokes I will never understand. I offer up two of those jokes from that book for your enjoyment. I’ll bet anything that you’ll think your jokes are funnier than these.
The famous Greek ship owner Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece. He said to the architect, “Don’t disturb that tree over there because directly under that tree is where I had my first sexual experience.” “How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle,” the architect said, Right under that tree.” “Yes,” continued Ori, “And don’t touch that tree over there either. Because that’s where her mother stood watching while I was having my first sex.” “Her mother just stood there while you were screwing her daughter?” the architect asked. “Yes”, said Mr. Oristotle. “But Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?” “She said, BAAAA”
I hope you didn’t hurt yourself with all of the hilarious side-spitting laughter from that jewel.
*NEXT*
🌭🌭🌭
Lee and Larry were a pair of winos. They woke up with the shakes one afternoon to find they only had $.40 between them. Lee began to climb the walls, but Larry said calmly, ” Look, old man, give me the forty cents and I’ll show you how we can drink free all day.” So they went into a diner, and Lee bought a hotdog, which he stuck in Larry’s fly. Next, they went into a nearby bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for payment, Lee got down on the floor and started sucking on Larry’s hotdog which they had placed in his pants. The bartender screamed, “You goddamn perverts, get the hell out of here.” They repeated the scenario in more than a dozen bars and finally, Lee complained, “Listen Larry, it was a great scheme but my knees are getting sore from hitting the floor so much.” Larry shook his head, “You should complain,” he said. “We lost the damn hotdog after the second bar.
I just experienced a rare Spring day here in Maine. There was real actual sunshine and really large and fluffy white clouds in a deep blue sky. Beautiful right? That one beautiful day has to be remembered in as much detail as possible because we rarely get that kind of perfect day. The rest of the year we hunker down to await the return of the Sun at least once more before Winter sets in. That’s when many, many, (and I do mean many) Mainers retire to their favorite local bars, pubs, or watering holes to sit around and loudly and rudely discuss just how wonderful that next sunny day will be. Then we sip a taste (or two) of our favorite drinks to help fuel more of the loud and disorderly discussions (which require even more alcohol) and to further argue about what the weather might be tomorrow.
So here I sit in a local Maine Alcohol Distribution Center (my man-cave) where interesting discussions are rarely heard because no-one really cares anyway. See if these few questions of sports trivia are more interesting that what your currently discussing and/or drinking? Answers will be listed below.
Baseball
Throwing a no-hitter is tough, but which major league pitcher tossed back-to-back no-hitters in 1938.
How many times did Yogi Berra play in a World Series game?
Basketball
What basket ball team was responsible for ending UCLA’s 88 game winning streak in 1974?
Which tall man won the NBA “Defensive Player of the Year” in 2009, 210, 2011?
Football
Which legendary football innovator was affectionately know as “Papa Bear”?
When the Packer and Seahawks met in week 3 of the 2012 season. Who was ruled as having scored the game winning touchdown on what some have dubbed the ‘Failed Mary”?
Hockey
On November 1, 1959 which goaltender was the first in NHL history to wear a full face protective mask?
What famous “goon” holds the NHL career record with 3,966 penalty minutes?
🏅🏅🏅
BONUS
What year introduced Beach Volleyball to the Olympics in Atlanta.
❤️❤️❤️
Answers
Johnny Vander Meer, 14, North Carolina, Dwight Howard – Orlando Magic, George Halas, Golden Tate, Jacques Plante (after stitches to his lip), Dave “Tiger” Williams, BONUS-1996
For you millennials who may read this post I’m giving you fair warning. I’m a eighty year old man who wants to tell you a story that will be a little sappy and hopefully a little funny but everything will be true. And before you start reading and rolling your eyes at what I say remember that I was much like you (a millennial) in the wild and wacky 1960’s when almost everything was always out of control. At that time I perfected that eye roll you’re probably still using today. Being alive in the sixties was a “trip” to say the least. Free love, an over abundance of drugs, with Rock & Roll as our mantra. My best friend and I were in constant trouble from stealing booze and cigarettes from our parents to the occasional visits from state and local police. We thought we had all the answers but were kept from getting really crazy by my ever so vigilant parents. I had my first official date and fell in love immediately until we were sidetracked by both her parents and mine who squashed our love like a bug. Then I crashed my fathers new car resulting in more eye rolling and some serious ass kicking. I decided then that maybe college would be a good change to let me live my life my way. I mean, how right could my parents be, they were over forty years old and obviously had no clue about things. So, I headed off to college to start my next millennial adventure . . .
College wasn’t an adventure but it was very strange. I was just one knucklehead in a rather large group of other knuckleheads trying to adjust to a life of freedom without parents. My biggest problem was adjusting from my father’s strict rules for everything to having no rules at all. I drank way too much and chased young ladies way too much, and learned almost nothing. I cut classes, constantly overslept and was a miserable failure as a student. In my third year I dropped out without alerting my parents and spent the remainder of the money I’d saved entertaining roommates and other friends (mainly females). But the damn college just had to go and notify my parents that I was a no-show and OMG were they irate (another huge parental eye roll). I returned home as a failed millennial with no money, no job, and two parents who would never let me forget what an ass I’d become.
Lets skip ahead to my enlistment in the Army, my time as a state police officer in Pennsylvania , getting married, finishing my bachelors degree, to getting an upper level management job with a national corporation, and finally retiring from the State of Maine’s Judicial Branch. My point is that if I can survive my millennial years, so can you. Truthfully, if you think about it everyone has a millennial period at some time in their life. It’s also true that human beings seem compelled to give everyone and everything a nickname (usually derogatory). There’s the Boomers (that’s me), the Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and hundreds of others. It’s all just so much bullshit. Just remember this important fact. In a few years many of you will marry and have children. What will their nicknames be when they hit their millennial years and begin to drive you absolutely crazy? Some thing you can look forward to. It’s called the “Circle of Life”. LOL
In keeping with the theme of this blog “everyuselessthing”, I thought a short history lesson was in order to supply readers with a little known trivia tidbit about NASA and the first moon landing. In 1969 Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon as we all know but were you aware that William Safire, President Nixon’s speechwriter, gave the president a draft of a speech he might have to give if the moon mission failed. It is claimed that the president never saw it. Here is a copy of that speech.
Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.
These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.
These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their family and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.
In their exploration they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man.
In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.
Others will follow, and surely find their way home, Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they remain the foremost in our hearts.
For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.
One final tidbit of irony. In 1999, on the 30th year anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts were shown this text for the first time by Tim Russert on Meet the Press.
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
❤️❤️❤️
If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
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And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
❤️❤️❤️
Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
I enjoy writing this blog but there are times it could drive a person to drink. Responding to some of the inane comments is time consuming and boring and many critics have been sent packing from this blog and occasionally if they p*ss me off enough they get blocked. Most criticisms are like water running off a ducks back because they consist mostly of a steady stream of BS but also loads and loads of your good old fashion boring political rhetoric. My solution is to ignore damn near everything, laugh my ass off, and then have a cold refreshing alcoholic beverage or whiskey. Todays post will concern trivial facts about the drinking of many of our favorite beverages. Here we go. . . .
The spot on the planet with the highest per capita consumption of wine is a tiny Pacific island of Norfolk with a population of approximately 1800. Their rate of consumption per capita is 77.8 bottles per year. (If I’d known this years ago I would have changed my retirement plans.)
And to continue my somewhat combative relationship with religion it should be noted that the Vatican City comes in a close second. Those jolly cardinals, priests, and Pope have a annual per capita consumption of 76 bottles. (Can I get a BIG AMEN!!)
Just to be fair the following five locations aren’t far behind: Andorra, Croatia, Portugal, Slovenia, and Macedonia. (This final tidbit makes me smile a little. France comes in a measly eighth.)
Since I’m a confirmed hater of beer I’ll give a big shout out to Czechoslovakia who is far and away the winner of annual per capita beer consumption at 142.6 liters.Austria and Germany are third andforth and Poland is sixth. The U.S.A. places 17th while the British bitter beer and port consumption brings them in at 28th place. (No wonder we revolted.)
Lets talk about something I love – WHISKEY. The UK is well down the list with a per capita consumption of 1.25 liters. India and Ireland come in at 1.24 liters but the big winner in whiskey consumption is surprisingly France at 2.15 liters a year or 87 shots per person. (I guess It takes a lot to make those hairy ladies in France sexually attractive. LOL)
I’m not addressing the world’s vodka consumption today because it would take another lengthy post to even scratch the surface. That topic will be addressed at a later date.
I’ve been told for many years by a host of dog loving family members, neighbors, and assorted experts that “dogs are a mans best friend“. I think in some cases that’s true based on my years of experience with my father who raised and trained beagles. Our house was constantly filled with herds of puppies and I had the misfortune of shoveling a few thousand wheelbarrow loads of dog sh*t as one of my many disgusting chores. I’ve owned a few dogs over the years but finally came to realize and admit that I’m quite simply a “cat person“. I still like dogs but only if they’re someone else’s. Todays post is primarily for all of you dog lovers out there and includes a few of my favorite dog jokes which don’t require me to shovel anything.
What do you call a gathering of Pomeranians at a bar? YAPPY HOUR
What’s a dogs favorite wine? PLEASE, PLEASE, THROW MY BALL.
What are a dogs three favorite drinks at the bar? A MUTTINI, A COSMOPOODLETIN, AND AN AVALANCHE FOR ALL THOSE ST. BERNARDS OUT THERE.
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “Oh, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Dogs will come if you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.
My Favorite Dog Haiku
The sound of dog treats
Shaking inside their box
It’s like the angels singing.
A police officer and his K-9 partner were sitting in a parked police van on the side of the road. A little boy looked in the back of the van, then came around to the officers window and knocked. The office rolled down the window. “Is that a dog you’ve got back there?” the boy asked. “It sure is.” the policeman replied. The boy looked back at the van, then back to the officer. “What did he do?” asked the boy.
I realize that it may be a little too early to be posting on this subject but what the hell. Every year I tease myself by listing a number of resolutions for the new year. My success rate leaves much to be desired but occasionally I actually DO complete a few. I’m posting early because my rate of success this year has been dismal. I’d blame some of it on my better-half who just completed her first year of retirement. To say she’s been a huge distraction is an understatement – goodbye to my wonderful days of PEACE & QUIET. Here’s my list for 2025 and all my lame excuses.
Read at least 100 books by years end(more if possible). If I finish reading my current book by years-end I will have read only 88 books. FAILED
Complete at least four illustrations for use as gifts for next Christmas. COMPLETED
Complete one sculpture using a technique I haven’t used before.FAILED – Due to my total lack of interest and laziness. Maybe this coming year I can get it done.
Show more patience to my better-half’s retirement adjustments.COMPLETED – I’ve shown more patience than ever before but I have a long way to go to satisfy her.
Attempt to write some serious poetry that’s worth reading.FAILED – Completed a few poems and a couple of limericks but I wasn’t happy with the less than adequate results.
Continued monitoring of the grandsons for new and exciting cuss words.COMPLETED – This may have been the easiest one to complete. It’s official, and thanks to day care, school, and some family adults the “F-Bomb” has been released. I’m so proud!!
Continue to ignore all of the weird and bizarre health tips from the Internet.COMPLETED – Thanks to all you internet experts and your misguided and incorrect medical BS.
My final tally was disappointing – 4 of 7 completed. I still have a few weeks to give a great deal of thought for my resolutions for 2026. It’s good to set goals even if you’re reasonably certain they won’t all be met.
Today is the perfect day as we sit around waiting for the bird to be cooked for a “Foodie Quiz”. These questions are all related to food and drink in some fashion or another. I suppose if we could answer six of these ten incredibly difficult questions we would be considered something of an “foodie” expert. As always the answers will be listed below.
The father of what American poet invented peppermint Life Savers?
How many pounds of roasted, ground coffee does one coffee tree produce annually?
What product did Mother Nature personally endorse in a television commercial, and who played the role?
How tall was celebrity chef Julia child’s?
How many lemons does the average lemon tree yield per year?
❤️THE CAFFEINE MACHINE❤️
What is Bombay duck?
What American city lead all others in per capita consumption of pizza in 1990?
How long would a 130 pound person have to walk at a leisurely pace to burn off the calories in a McDonald’s Big Mac?
How much money did American Airlines claim it saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each of the salads served in first-class?
A pound of ground coffee yields 50 cups. How many cups does a pound of tea yield?
BIG MAC ATTACK
This is my favorite since I’m an avid fan of ice cream and a so-so fan of religion.
How did the ice cream sundae get its name?
❤️YUM, YUM, YUM!❤️
Answers
Hart Crane son of Clarence, Just one, Chiffon Margarine; Dena Dietrich played Mother Nature, 6’2″, 1500, Dry, salted fish, Milwaukee, Two hours and 1 minute, $40,000, 200, **My Fav: The sundae was created in Evanston, Illinois, in the late 19th century to get around a Sabbath ban on selling ice-cream sodas. It was dubbed Sunday but spelled with an “e” instead of a “y” to avoid religious objections.
I’ve been on a roll of late with a collection of weird and unusual trivia facts but I think today I’m taking it one step further. I like weird and strange! I’ve never denied it and I’ll prove once again by offering up more information that isn’t common knowledge. Humans are imaginative and creative and extremely strange at times. Here’s proof of that and I hope you enjoy it. Inventions of the WEIRD.
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The Motorized Ice Cream Cone: ( Patent issued in 1999)
Just push the handy on/off switch on the side of the cone and your ice cream will spin around and around, and all you have to do is stick out your tongue.
Pet Petter: (Patent issued in 1989)
If you don’t have the time to constantly coddle your pet, the Pet Petter does. An electric eye sees your pet and signals the electronic motors to start swinging a petting arm tipped with a humanlike hand.
Toilet Snorkel: (Patent issued in 1982)
In most fires, it’s the smoke that will get you, and a source of fresh air can be a lifesaver. So here it is – a way to snake a snorkel through the zigs and zags of your toilet, so you can brief underwater.
Motorcycle Airbag: (Patent issued in 1989)
An all-over body suit airbag designed to cushion the motorcyclist’s fall in an accident. Air is forcibly ejected from the bike, the suit swells from compressed gas. It covers the arms, legs, and torso, along with a soft landing.
Life Expectancy Watch: (Patent issued in 2002)
This invention counts backwards toward the date of your eventual demise. You program the watch by answering a series of questions about your lifestyle such as exercise, eating habits, and alcohol and tobacco use. Your remaining time is conveniently displayed in years.
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A FAVORITE FUN FACT
Thomas Edison filed 1,093 patents, including those for the light bulb, electric railways, and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph, and 389 patents for electric lights and power.
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