Archive for the ‘golf’ Tag

10-07-2013   Leave a comment

I’m not much of a sports fan and watching sports on TV has no attraction to me whatsoever.  I’ve always had better ways of spending my time than watching almost anything sport related except for possibly one thing.  I will occasionally  watch professional golf. Over the years I played a lot of golf with my father. He introduced me to it at age 13 and I played regularly for more than twenty five years with him, his coworkers, and my friends.

This week was the Presidents Cup Tournament and I didn’t watch the entire match but did waste away a few hours vegging in front of the TV.  It took me back to the days when my Dad was still able to play and the fun we had competing against each other.  It was a nice trip down memory lane for me.   As I was watching I began to remember caddying for him in a number of golf tournaments sponsored by his employer and the many pranks I pulled on him while doing so.  With that in mind I did a little searching and found the following stupid caddy remarks which will make any golfer smile.

* * *

#10

Golfer:    "I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy:    "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#09

Golfer:    "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy:   "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."

#08

Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy:    "Yes     . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

#07

Golfer:   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy:   "Eventually."

#06

Golfer:    "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy:    "I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence." 

#05

Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."

Caddy:    "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."

#04

Golfer:    "How do you like my game?"

Caddy:   "It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.

#03

Golfer:    "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy:   "The way you play, it’s a sin on any day."

#02

Golfer:    "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."

Caddy:    "This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

AND FINALLY #01

Golfer:    "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."

Caddy:   "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."

* * *

Most people think golf is such a very serious pass-time but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  With my Dad and other co-workers it was hilarious at times. I’ll offer this one story and then call this posting finished.

My father was a big, strong, and determined individual.  He was known for his long and accurate drives and could get frustrated  when he was having a bad day.  On one particular occasion he walked to the tee on one of his favorite holes, teed up, and hit the ball so far in the woods it couldn’t be found.  Up until that time it had been a close round but with that shot he lost the match. He proceeded to take his driver, twirled it around his head, and threw it as far as he could into the trees. He then walked off cursing and swearing and never looked back. 

For months afterward as we all played golf on that same course we laughed our asses off every time we came to that hole because his bent and twisted driver could be seen in the top of a nearby tree.  It was just so damn funny. The best part of the prank occurred more than a year later at his retirement dinner when his buddies climbed up that tree, retrieved the club, had it bronzed and mounted on a plaque, and gave it back to him as his retirement gift.

How can you not like golf with good friends like that.

05-11-2013   2 comments

It’s time again for another installment of totally useless information.  If you remember all of these tidbits after reading this blog for a year you’ll be declared an Unofficial Trivial Pursuit Expert. Even that game doesn’t include some of the strange and useless stuff found here.

My search will continue to find as many of these stupid and useless facts as possible and forward them along for your amusement.  We humans are a strange folk as reflected by the following:

  • Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?
  • Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
  • Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
  • Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
  • If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
  • The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
  • During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
  • There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.
  • More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.
  • Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.
  • The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year.
  • Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year.
  • In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter”.
  • Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.
  • A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.
  • In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds.
  • Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.
  • Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
  • If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  • Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
  • A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
  • Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
  • The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
  • A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.

I think my favorite from this list is Pope John Paul II becoming an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.  It’s funny on a number of levels and I can just picture him, robes flapping, doing a Michael Jordan flight to the basket for a truly holy dunk.

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