Archive for the ‘jeff foxworthy’ Tag

06-17-2014 The Japanese, Turtles, and Muslims!   Leave a comment

I’ll start off to day talking about consumerism.  I didn’t realize just how much of a consumer I actually was until I began tracking my purchases and saving every receipt.  I’ve been doing that for years now and every so often as I’m entering that end-of-month information into a spreadsheet I’m forced to admit my somewhat excessive consumer issues. Once each month I find myself standing next to a trash can filled with receipts and that has to tell me something.

That being said as I was reading yesterday I discovered that in comparison I might not be as bad as I first thought.  I noticed that as bad as we American seem to be when it comes to crass consumerism the Japanese make us look like a bunch of amateurs.  Here’s a collection of tidbits on the Japanese and their quirky approach to retailing and consumption.

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“In Tokyo, Japan there are vending machines that dispense frozen meat, jewelry, and even dating information.”

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“A company in Kyoto, Japan, makes waterproof books for students who like to study in the bath.”

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“Kanebo, a cosmetic company in Japan, has developed a line of panty-hose that are embedded with vitamins and special scents that are released when worn.”

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I know you thought I was kidding, right!   Those crazy fun loving Japanese will merchandise and sell just about anything.

Next I’ll address a subject that has always fascinated me. Synchronicity!  I’ve firmly believed for most of my life that there are no such things as coincidences.  As a former extensively trained investigator it’s been proven time and time again to my satisfaction. Unfortunately there have been a few random times that "synchronicity" has reared it’s ugly head and I had no logical explanation.

Two days ago my better-half and I were taking a walk near our home when a passing motorist stopped to tell us about a large turtle she saw crossing the road. She was concerned it might be hit by a car and had turned around to check on it. I walked a short distance and found the turtle scrambling from the highway and helped him along in his travels to get off the road.

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We returned to our house and I sat down at the computer to check on a few things on-line.  On Facebook I found an entry from my step-daughters husband who was traveling for work and happened upon what else, a freaking turtle on the road. He posted a photograph of himself parked along a highway and assisting the rather large turtle to cross the road to avoid the dangers of oncoming traffic. 

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A synchronistic moment to be sure.  I’ve had a few other startling incidents like this during my life for which I have no reasonable answers or explanations.  Just saying.

Lastly, I finally finished the renovation of my wine-making area.  I’d been wanting to complete this job for years and finally was able to get it done.  It should make bottling and handling of my wine a much easier process than in the past.

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That’s all I have for today but I thought I’d pass along a few tidbits of wisdom from Jeff Foxworthy. In the Army we called this process “Knowing Your Enemy”. If this offends anyone out there just remember I’m just doing my part in adding a little humor to a humorless situation. So get over it.

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Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians) etc., but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims? We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness . . .

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

1.   If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, you may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes, you may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, you may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, you may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide,you may be a Muslim

6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,you may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, you may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, you may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, you may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it, you may be a Muslim.

THERE YOU HAVE IT!

01-08-2013   2 comments

I’d like to lighten things up a bit as we continue to enjoy the January doldrums here in Maine. I don’t know about you but I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Foxworthy for many years. He has a tremendous sense of humor which is wrapped up in all that redneck nonsense but he still makes me laugh out loud on occasion. I came upon this routine of his that I’m sure has been around for a while but it’s worth sharing with all of you. It’ll give you a true picture of what living in Maine is really all about. Here we go.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.

If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.

If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in Maine.

If you know several people who’ve hit a deer more than once, you might live in Maine.

If you’ve switched from heat and AC in the same day and then back again, you might live in Maine.

If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching, you might live in Maine.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Maine.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Maine.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Maine.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Maine.

If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction, you might live in Maine.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than on your car, you might live in Maine.

If you find 10° a little chilly, you might live in Maine.

I couldn’t explain Maine any better than that if I tried.

Posted January 9, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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