Archive for the ‘home depot’ Tag

10-03-2015 Journal–A Really Early Holiday Message!   Leave a comment

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‘This is written with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek.’

Where did our Summer go?  It seems like just a short time ago we were complaining about the heat and humidity and WHAM, all of a sudden we’re rolling into October and looking down the tunnel at that proverbial bright light approaching at seventy miles an hour. That light is the damn holiday season quietly sneaking up on us. It’s October for God’s sake. Doesn’t anyone care that it just too damn early to be worrying about the holidays.  Stop the madness people. 

I was in Lowe’s yesterday visiting my better-half who was tied up with a number of other employees doing their Christmas reset. Just shoot me now, please. What the hell are they thinking.

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These retailers claim they start their seasonal BS  early because of the huge demand for their holiday products.  Honestly, when was the last time you ever heard anyone . . . that’s ANYONE say they were happy about seeing the Christmas season starting in early October.  Never!!  The truth of the matter is that the demand is created by the retailers themselves who lower their prices just enough to entice customers to the store.  They can be so disingenuous at times it makes me crazy. It just goes to show you how stupid they think we the shopping public are.  And sadly they’re right!

I refuse to be manipulated anymore.  No early holiday nonsense for me, no Black Friday idiocy, and no paying attention to the thousands of emails that will be clogging my mailbox over the next ten weeks.  I’m done with it. 

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I plan on spending exactly fifteen minutes on Christmas shopping this year  and thank God for Amazon. A five minute walk-in at Toys R Us for two gift cards, a five minute walk-in at Home Depot for one gift card, and finally five minutes to order seven additional gift cards from Amazon. That leaves just a few gifts I need to purchase for my better-half which will be ordered on-line as well and shipped directly to our house.

Stick those gift cards in an envelope with a Christmas card and a short note and you’re DONE.  No more stress, no more purchases of gifts that no one really wants or appreciates. Get your gift cards in the mail, buy what you want, and leave  me alone.  I never intend to spend more than an hour on Christmas preparations ever again. 

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I’m only asking Santa Clause for Amazon or Kindle gift cards this year since I’ve been very, very good. I’ve spent too many years getting clothing I hate and would never dare to wear, smiling and lying about how much I liked that fruit cake I received, and all of the required traveling around the countryside in terrible weather to visit people. I’m sorry folks, it’s nothing personal, but in my opinion if you’ve seen one Christmas tree you’ve seen them.  So here is my collective seasons greetings for most of you in case I forget later.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

HAPPY HANUKKAH

HAPPY STUPID KWANSA

HAPPY SEINFELD FESTIVAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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I’m exhausted already from just listing all of this foolishness.  I wish I could just go find a cave and hibernate until February 15.  It would make for one of the best holiday seasons ever if I could.

BAH HUMBUG

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05-26-2015 Journal – One of Those Days!   Leave a comment

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I’m suffering from a total lack of interest today. It rained through the night just a little and I’m not really in the mood to be playing in the garden mud this morning. I rolled out of bed a little later than usual and had an unappetizing breakfast of healthy cereal which tasted a lot like cardboard. I knew it was going to be one of those day when I left a kitchen cabinet door open and then proceeded to walk into it a few minutes later putting a small notch in my head.  That’s what I mean when I say "One of those days."

The next thing was the damn alarm system.  It’s nice to have technology in my life but when I have to put up with a smart ass alarm system telling me how stupid I am, it’s kind of embarrassing. After screwing around for ten minutes I finally set the alarm, got in the car, and left the garage.  Five seconds after the garage door closed I realized I’d forgotten my camera and telephone.  Back to the house, turn off the alarm, get my stuff, and then back to try and set the alarm once again. If the burglars have as much trouble getting in as I had getting out we should be completely safe.

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I then headed to the first of six nurseries trying to find cayenne pepper seedlings.  For some reason unknown to me or the nurserymen, there seems to be a shortage of cayenne peppers this spring.  I normally can buy a six pack of the plants for a couple of dollars but not this year.  My last stop was at a nursery well known for it’s impossibly high prices for just about everything. They had only three cayenne pepper plants, each planted in separate container, with a cost of $3.99 a plant.

BS I tell you!

As I was leaving empty handed I had an uninterested employee ask me in that awful politically correct tone, “Have you found everything you were looking for sir?”.  I nicely told her no. I was looking for a few decent prices but couldn’t find even one.

Double BS!!

I’ve also been looking for a new garden bench for the last few weeks with no success. I stopped at Home Depot today after checking out their website which listed close to twenty different types. I searched for twenty minutes through that huge building and was beginning to get a little frustrated.  Depot has never been known for it’s customer service and that hasn’t changed a bit. After tracking down a store employee who did his best to avoid me, I asked about the benches. He explained to me, the pain-in-the-ass customer, that they have no benches in inventory. He gave me one of those smarmy smiles and told me they were an online purchase only. 

Triple BS!!!

Screw them, I left in a huff after wasting most of my morning.  I revisited my reliable local nursery and purchased a few additional Ghost pepper plants and a six pack of orange bell peppers. Total cost, $5.20.  I never did find a effing bench but I’ll sit my butt on the ground before paying $199.99 for one.

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This day has sucked soooo bad.  I guess it’s time for me and the cat to kick back and relax on the deck. I can sip a drink and relive the last few hours of this stupid day and try to smile. The cat could care less either way. He just lays there like he always does thinking about what cats think about. He’s not smiling either.

04-30-2015 Journal – Microsoft Slipping Away!   Leave a comment

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Are you as sick as I am about all of these computer companies who insist on convincing or coercing every person in this country to use "The Cloud"? You can’t seem to buy software of any kind without that gentle shove by the company to convince you to place all of your personal writings, business writings, financials or anything else you can a think of on their version of "The Cloud".

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Is anyone on this earth unaware of the risks we take just by being on the Internet. Viruses appear without notice almost every day or so we’re told by McAfee.  Hackers are constantly breaking into those so-called secure sites and making the lives of us poor morons miserable. They’re costing us a lot of money each year to try and protect ourselves and it seems no matter what big companies do, they can’t protect themselves and our most private information.

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Three times in the last few years I’ve been forced to change my credit and debit cards because someone was buying music or other things with my card numbers in Paris, France, Cleveland, Ohio and Montreal, Canada.  I have those expert security specialists at Home Depot, Hannaford Foods, and Anthem Blue Cross & Blue Shield for making my information available to every hacker and thief who has a computer. I’m easily paying more than $200.00 a year for virus protection of my home computers and even a monthly charge for my freaking telephone.    Do you see where I’m going with this?

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Yesterday I was taken by surprise when Microsoft notified me via Facebook that they were making the MS Word program available for free to users of the IPad. I was thrilled because I’ve been loyal to Microsoft for decades.  It’s only within the last year or so that I’m becoming more and more disappointed with them.  After the X-Box One fiasco that make the device incompatible with a couple of decades of game software I’d already purchased, that was Strike One.  Strike Two was my purchase of a MS Surface tablet.  It crashed within a week of the purchase and with no help from their Tech Support took me a month to figure out how to reset it.  Of course I lost all of my information on it as well.

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Strike Three is this App which might be free but has a lot of strings attached. If you create any documents of any kind you’re forced to save them on the MS “Cloud” called “OneDrive”. There is no option that will allow you to save them just to your tablet.   In my opinion it’s those kind of strong-arm tactics that could get me to walk away from MS entirely.  Oh and by the way, you can take your Office 365 program and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

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Everyone knows and worries about Google becoming too intrusive  when they save every piece of information about us they can get.  I understand now they have access to and save information on virtually every website we visit on the web. People are concerned about Muslim terrorists but compared with Google they’re inconsequential.

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I took steps this year to install my own “Cloud” in my home with no available access from the net.  All of my information and backups are now stored safely out of reach of the online thieves and hackers and controlled only by me. 

So here’s my final thought  for Microsoft.  It’s time to get your collective heads out of your collective asses and get back to being the company we’ve all come to know and trust over the years. Bring Bill Gates back if you must and maybe he can stop you from following down that road right behind Google. 

Since you’ve used up your three strikes, I just deleted your free Word App from my IPad.  I never thought I’d see the day when Microsoft wasn’t leading the technology revolution by taking it in new and exciting directions instead of following along behind others like a lap dog.

08-26-2013   3 comments

It feels like a good day for a journal entry.  As the summer winds down my better-half and I have been very busy with the garden and the canning of everything possible.  Even though the weather’s been a little strange at times this summer overall it’s still been very productive.

I’ve been forced to work very hard this week due to the subpar garden fabric I purchased at Home Depot earlier his year.  Because of the failure of the fabric to eliminate the ever present weeds I’m now faced with several days of back breaking work to clean up weeds and begin to remove plants that have run their course.  I worked on my hands and knees for three hours removing weeds and pieces of surviving fabric and being ever so careful not to damage the hot pepper plants that are still producing.  I have a small trailer for my lawn tractor and I filled it twice with weeds in almost no time.

The Cayenne, Serrano, and bell peppers are still going strong and should continue for a few more weeks.  The cold nights aren’t helping but what can I do? I’ve removed fifty percent of the cucumber plants because we are becoming overwhelmed with them.  I canned more than forty pints of hot Bread & Butter pickles and could have done at least that many more.  Truthfully I ‘m just tired of looking at them.  I found myself dreaming about pickles a couple of recent nights which was a little disturbing to say the least. I’ve taken three handful of rhubarb seeds and planted an area behind the house with them.  If we’re lucky next spring might bring us an entire new patch of rhubarb.  The plants from last year have done well and next summer we’ll be making some killer strawberry-rhubarb jam.

I’m really tired of this weeding.  I’ll need to check with a nearby friend for advice on what fabric to buy for next year. I don’t plan on ever doing this again even if it cost me a few additional dollars.

We’ve successfully filled the larder with pickles, relishes, herb flavored vinegars, vegetable mixes (for stir-fry’s), spicy pasta sauce, salsa (2 large batches), and three batches of jams.  We spent one recent day at our favorite blackberry patch and within a half hour collected close to three quarts of blackberries.  The triple-berry jam recipe is to die for and we’ll now have more than enough for the winter and as gifts for friends.  I might even consider a small batch of black berry wine if we have enough berries.

All in all a very successful summer.  We’ve now started winding down in preparation for winter and it already feels like Fall and it’s still only August. I’m planning on rebuilding a portion of the garden and changing things around a little.  Then it’s soil preparation, fertilizing, and waiting for the snow to fly.

I’d like to chat further but I’ve got more work to do before my better-half gets home from work.

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Just as an afterthought here’s a little something I just received from my sister. It made me laugh out loud and that’s always a good thing.  Enjoy.

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing ?"

The operator said,
"I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient ?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter ?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

01-08-2013   2 comments

I’d like to lighten things up a bit as we continue to enjoy the January doldrums here in Maine. I don’t know about you but I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Foxworthy for many years. He has a tremendous sense of humor which is wrapped up in all that redneck nonsense but he still makes me laugh out loud on occasion. I came upon this routine of his that I’m sure has been around for a while but it’s worth sharing with all of you. It’ll give you a true picture of what living in Maine is really all about. Here we go.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.

If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.

If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in Maine.

If you know several people who’ve hit a deer more than once, you might live in Maine.

If you’ve switched from heat and AC in the same day and then back again, you might live in Maine.

If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching, you might live in Maine.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Maine.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Maine.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Maine.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Maine.

If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction, you might live in Maine.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than on your car, you might live in Maine.

If you find 10° a little chilly, you might live in Maine.

I couldn’t explain Maine any better than that if I tried.

Posted January 9, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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10-26-2012   Leave a comment

Well, the time has come to start fresh with a new blog with a more personal approach. This journal will contain whatever I feel like writing at any given moment. I think I’ll skip posting photo’s for now and just let the words come. Since I may be the only person to ever read this blog I’d better make it meaningful or I’ll just piss myself off all over again. The narrative will be ongoing and hopefully worth reading.

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Today was “Dutiful Spouse Day” where I was permitted to travel all over the countryside with my better-half as her loyal chauffeur and chat buddy. She shops and I read a book, maybe window shop, or just people watch.

I decided that a visit to a nearby Home Depot might be fun while she does her shopping thing. I watched a seventy-five year old woman attempting to buy paint from a young lady with a body full of piercings, a red strip of hair down the middle of her head, and a voice that could curdle milk. They discussed and discussed the color match and then cussed about the eventual results. One talking with her hands and the other rolling her eyes and shrugging her shoulders. It never got too heated but it easily could have. The older woman threw the samples down and stormed away in a huff. The young Paint Department associate appeared frustrated by having to give the company required Customer Service to such a bitch.  She held her temper pretty well but her facial shade of purple made it abundantly clear just how much more she had to say but didn’t.

The day drags on with no better-half in sight. I just finished another two chapters of Satanic Verses. That’s the book that caused a great deal of turmoil in it’s day with a fatwa ordered on Salman Rushdie and blah, blah, blah. I don’t really understand why it was such a big deal because it’s unlikely if more than a handful of Muslim’s ever read the damn thing. Listen to this first sentence: “To be born again, sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, “first you have to die. Ho ji! Ho ji! To land upon the bosomy earth, first one needs to fly.” It’s a tough read and I have 545 more pages to go before I shoot myself.  On a extremely good day this tome would make an excellent door stop.

Why is it that not one religious piece of writing more than five hundred years old  makes any sense to me.  I’ve read them all and found them vague and repetitive. It’s no wonder people continue to disagree over them and try to kill each other.  Give me John Grisham any day.

My better-half’s birthday is on the horizon and I’m still struggling to find one more meaningful gift. Add to that my being told today that I’m in need of a Whooping Cough immunization if I plan on spending much time around my step grandson. He’s only a week old and already exerting his control over me.  I’ll just add him to the list.

We’ve now visited another three stores, I’ve downed my fourth cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, and now I have coffee breath, a coffee headache, and a seriously distended bladder.

Things I’ve  learned today:

1. Seeing skinny jeans on a woman in her fifties is just as bad as seeing them on man in his fifties.

2. If you see a huge car moving at an extremely slow speed and there’s no driver’s head visible, slow the hell down and give them room. Eighty years old and going eight miles per hour. Yikes.

3. Don’t drink four large coffee’s in four hours.

Well we’re finally at home and I’ve finished dragging bag after bag of purchases into the house. I still haven’t found that special gift for her but I’ll worry about that tomorrow or the next day.