Archive for the ‘nelson algren’ Tag

12/05/2023 “Humor Countdown – 26 days left”   Leave a comment

Quote of the Day

“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.”

Nelson Algren

🤪🤪🤪

Joke of the Day #1

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes off to the left. The wife eventually finds her ball in a patch of beautiful buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercup patch. Suddenly, a magical woman appears out of nowhere, blocking her path to the golf bag. She looks her up and down and says, I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you’ll be unable to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.” The mystery woman suddenly disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?” “It’s over here in the pussy willows” he shouted. The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!

☘️☘️☘️

Limerick of the Day

As the elevator car left our floor,

Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door.

She yelled a great deal,

But had they been real,

She’d have hollered considerably more.

🤡🤡🤡

Joke of the Day #2

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part that they wanted to have healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the TV and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her so much pain. Then Grandpa slowly got up, stumbled to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and yelled, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

🤗🤗🤗

Wisdom of the Day

Piss not against the wind.

Posted December 5, 2023 by Every Useless Thing in Education, Entertainment, Humor, Just Saying, Kill Me, I'm Begging You, Limericks, Love, Poetry, Quotations, Religion, Sarcasm, Sex, Trivia, writing

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03/05/2022 “Advice”   Leave a comment

As you already know, I’m not a fan of celebrity worship nor politicians. Today will be a treat for you because I’m going to supply with helpful advice as voiced by both groups. It’s entirely up to you whether you follow their advice as you will see as you read.

  • “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.” Harry S Truman
  • “You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” Al Capone
  • “Never trust a man unless you got his pecker in your pocket.” Lyndon Baines Johnson
  • “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” Gypsy Rose Lee
  • “Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.” J. Paul Getty
  • “Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.” Nelson Algren
  • “There’s nothing to winning, really. That is, if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever.” Alfred Hitchcock
  • “To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” Cary Grant
  • “Don’t let your mouth write a check that your tail can’t cash.” Bo Diddley
  • “Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at the trial” Sydney Biddle Barrows (the Mayflower Madam).

WHO CAN ARGUE WITH THESE EXPERTS?

Posted March 5, 2022 by Every Useless Thing in Bitch & Complain, Education, Humor, Kill Me, I'm Begging You, Quotations, Sarcasm, Stupidity

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