Archive for the ‘ron white’ Tag
I’m feeling a bit feisty today, so I’ll post this rather lengthy rant. I also understand that asking many of our so-called concerned citizens to read something longer than two paragraphs is asking a lot. There are somethings I can choose to forget but not forgive. There are other things that I will never forget or forgive. Unfortunately, the attention span of a great many Americans is quite short except when they’re inconvenienced by a TSA screening. The following test will remind our brilliant lawmakers and most casual citizens that there are things that should never be forgotten. Unfortunately, many casual citizens and politicians who see a wrong perpetrated against this country just shrug their shoulders, make a lame speech, wipe a tear from their eye, and then immediately return to the business of politics and feathering their own nest. Let’s have a quick memory test to determine who is actually paying attention these days.
USA History Exam
(For the chronically uninformed)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! :
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems.
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
As the writer of the award-winning story Forrest Gump so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does! But an even better quote comes from comedian Ron White:
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
When I’m writing this blog, I continuously edit myself because I make tons of errors in spelling and grammar. It concerns me only because I don’t care to look like a moron when I’m posting some of my material. I wish I could say the same for everyone, but I can’t. As I read through my research material, I continually find mistakes, obvious mistakes, that have made it through three levels of editors and finally published and released to the public. It boggles my mind some of the things I’ve read in recent weeks and I’m going to share some of them with you now. It still amazes me how people rely on newspapers and their alleged accuracy. It’s time for some really stupid headlines.
- Police Suspicious After Body Found in a Graveyard
- Male infertility Can Be Passed on to Children
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
- Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Can you believe this stuff? I can’t. Now I want to move on to some other things that I’ve noticed on websites like Craigslist. It’s apparent to me that editing is not permitted on these sites and here’s the results:
- Free Yorkshire Terrier: eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California grown -$.89 per pound
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
That’s about enough for me. As Ron White always says, “You can’t fix stupid”.
THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE IS GUINESSES, LOL
In the past I’ve created lists of things I love and things I hate. After roaming around for the last few months and people watching it occurred to me that another category needed to be documented. Here is my list of things that have morphed from ‘Things That Annoy Me’ to ‘Things That Bore Me’.
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Drug companies and their endless advertisements to cure damn near everything. In most cases you’d need a small mortgage to pay for them but at least the side effects are free.
Organic labeling normally just pisses me off but I’ve come to realize if people are stupid enough to buy the “organic” song and dance then there’s nothing I can do. To quote one of my favorite comics, Ron White . . . You can’t fix stupid!
Anyone named Obama or Bush. No further explanation is needed or wanted.
AARP Mailings. I refuse to belong to any organization of liberal leaning seniors that enjoys sucking up to the Dems for more government handouts. You’d think that their current government subsidies would be enough.
Any bumper sticker that insists on telling me things I could care less about. I don’t really care what your children are doing or where they’re doing it. It’s just more eye litter.
SPAM in all it’s forms.
Verizon Wireless and their need to call me ten times a week because I’m now eligible for an upgrade on my cell phone. I’ve already blocked 26 of their numbers but they continue to annoy me from every state in the country.
Hilary Clinton and her endless health problems, her endless mental problems, and of course her endless marital problem, WILD BILL.
Maxine Waters. It’s time for a rubber room and a straight jacket for this wingnut.
The Maine Stream Media in all of it’s manifestations.
George “I Want to be King of the World.” Soros.
Trump Bashing.
Trump Bashers.
Hollywood idiots voicing their opinions about what they think on every topic except their acting, singing, or dancing.
Tipping waiters and waitresses when I’m now doing most of their work. Table computers are fine if I can cut my normal tip in half. All the waitresses do these days is deliver the meal and smile pretty. I think that’s worth no more than a 3 percent tip.
Facebook and Twitter. They should really be on the list of things that annoy me but they bore me as well.
The egocentric morons who frequent most retail stores and are always in line at the register directly in front of me. Where’s my stun gun when I need it.
Bait and Switch is one of the oldest and most misleading types of advertisement. It seems to have become much more commonplace that ever before.
Men talking to me while we’re standing at a urinal. I guess they don’t fully understand how focused I need to be while peeing. Talking is OK I guess but no peeking please.
Cell phone ringtones. Enough already . . . I don’t give a shit that you got email. Put it on vibrate moron.
Facial tattoos. It’s an instant judgement call when I see a person with them. Idiot, dumb ass, or moron, take your pick.
The new and improved Leggings fad. I admit that in many cases they just make my day but whatever you do don’t go into Walmart. You could be struck blind if you’re lucky.
Baseball caps worn backward. Any idiot that still thinks this is cool should get a free facial tattoo.
Homeless beggars. I hesitate giving money or cans to someone who is supposedly poor and unemployed while he’s wearing a better pair of Nike shoes than I have.
President Trumps continual tweeting. Just ridiculous.
Katy Perry. Sing a song, leave the stage, marry an asshole, cut off your hair, and then tell me what a political moron I must be for not supporting Hilary. God women . . . Get a frigging life.
Sex with lifelike robots. Only two terms comes to mind immediately, “Organ Grinder” and “Ex Wife”. Way too scary for me. Thanks but no thanks. Yikes!!!
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everyuselessthing.com 