Archive for the ‘ridiculous’ Tag
These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!
I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
- Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
- Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)
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- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
💥💥💥
There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Drive Safe
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When I’m writing this blog, I continuously edit myself because I make tons of errors in spelling and grammar. It concerns me only because I don’t care to look like a moron when I’m posting some of my material. I wish I could say the same for everyone, but I can’t. As I read through my research material, I continually find mistakes, obvious mistakes, that have made it through three levels of editors and finally published and released to the public. It boggles my mind some of the things I’ve read in recent weeks and I’m going to share some of them with you now. It still amazes me how people rely on newspapers and their alleged accuracy. It’s time for some really stupid headlines.
- Police Suspicious After Body Found in a Graveyard
- Male infertility Can Be Passed on to Children
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
- Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Can you believe this stuff? I can’t. Now I want to move on to some other things that I’ve noticed on websites like Craigslist. It’s apparent to me that editing is not permitted on these sites and here’s the results:
- Free Yorkshire Terrier: eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California grown -$.89 per pound
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
That’s about enough for me. As Ron White always says, “You can’t fix stupid”.
THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE IS GUINESSES, LOL
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- The Connecticut Court of Appeals upheld the kidnapping-robbery convictions of Michael Carter, thus rejecting his claim that witnesses’ identification of him should have been suppressed at his trial. At the time of arrest, according to New Haven police officer Dario Aponte, Carter had proclaimed his innocence but resisted being returned to the scene of the crime so witnesses could see him, asking Aponte, “How can they identify me? I had a mask on.”
- David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
- Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck also concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
- The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”
- A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
We should all thank these geniuses for helping to make law enforcement easier.
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
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I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.
- “Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
- “Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
- “Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
- “One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
- “Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
- Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
- “Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
- “Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
- Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
- For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”
It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.
ONLY THEIR SPELLCHECKER SEEMS TO WORK
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I love reading stories about criminals being apprehended after being as stupid as we know they can be. For years I spent time reading the endless stories from the Darwin Awards about stupid ways to die. That got a little boring after a while, so I’ve now graduated to reading about stupid criminals. And it’s a special treat to read about them being a former police officer. So enough of this jibber-jabber, on to the idiots.
IDIOT #1
- A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
IDIOT #2
- A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
IDIOT #3
- A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
IDIOT #4
- The Belgium news agency Belga reported that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
YOU REALLY CAN’T FIX THIS KIND OF STUPID
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A few days ago, I was digging around in the garage and going through some old boxes of what I thought were useless items. I came upon a book that was printed in 1985 which contained a host of one-liner raunchy jokes along with a few truly stupid riddles. Since a few of my family members continue to mumble and grumble about some of the so-called tasteless limericks I post, let’s see what they think about a few of these “oldies but goodies”.
- What happens if a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out!
- How do dogs make love? Everybody nose!
- Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray ” S.S.Y.”? Because it takes the “PU” out of pussy!
- Why did Donald Duck divorce Daisy? Her quack was too big!
- What’s better than watching a girl wrestle? Seeing her box!
- What’s a French chastity belt? A catcher’s mask!
- Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? A guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest!
- What’s the definition of a lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses when it slips out!
- Why did the Greek take his wife on his business trip? Because he couldn’t leave her behind alone!
- What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? A counterfeit dollar bill is a phony buck!
Well, there you have ten of some of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard. Everybody’s always saying how much they loved the “good old days”, but not me. I think it’s time to take this book and put it back in the box in the garage and hopefully in ten more years maybe it will be funny, but I doubt it.
1981 Bumper Sticker
DID JOHN SMITH POCAHONTAS?
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I’ve worked in a retail environment on a number of occasions during my somewhat illustrious career. Here are a few weird facts about retail related businesses and people. I know they may seem hard to believe but trust me when I say these are just the tip of the iceberg for weirdness. Enjoy . . .
Prostitution is legal in Germany; however, income from prostitution is taxed at a slightly higher rate than income from other occupations.
One in 10 Europeans was conceived on an IKEA bed, according to the company.
There are more copies of the IKEA catalog printed each year than the Bible.
The average child recognizes more than 200 company logos by the time they enter elementary school.
One in four homeless people in South Korea has a credit card.
There are approximately 18,000,000 items for sale at any given moment on eBay.
There are approximately $680 worth of eBay transactions every second.
The Malaysian government has banned car commercials featuring Brad Pitt because they are “an insult to Asians.”
First Starbucks opened in Seattle in 1971 at 2000 Western Ave., across.
from the historic Pike Place Market.
A Romanian taxi driver says his business has swelled since he started playing pornographic films in his cab for his customers.
According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, 50% of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.
The world’s first bra made completely of chocolate has gone on sale in Austria.
A Serbian tie maker is planning to launch a new range of penis cravats for the man who has everything.
A Colombian airline has promised free flights for life to any baby born on board one of their planes.
The first naked flight was made in 2003 carrying 87 passengers from Miami, Florida, to Cancun, Mexico.
💟💟💟💟💟
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE
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I’ve been associated with Law Enforcement both as a police officer and also as a private citizen. I’ve seen a lot of things that were more than a little strange and some more than a little scary. So, when I stumbled upon this list that I’m about to post I wasn’t all that surprised. In the past I’ve posted about some strange laws still on the books in this country, but this list takes the cake. This is about weird sex laws gathered from a number of states and to say they’re a little bizarre is an understatement. Here we go . . .
- In Harrisburg, PA, there’s a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
- In Newcastle, WY, there’s a law against having sex in a butcher shop freezer.
- In Clinton, OK, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Tremonton, UT, you aren’t permitted to have sex in an ambulance.
- In Alexandria, MN, it’s illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if he has the smell of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
- In Willowdale, OR a husband cannot talk dirty in his wife’s ear during sex.
- In Ames, IA, there’s a law against a man drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
- In Ventura, CA, there’s a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
- In Kingsville, TX there’s a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville Airport property.
WELCOME TO THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE WEIRD
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Many, many, many years ago I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania. There’s no question that being a cop is a tough job and it’s even worse these days. There’s an old saying amongst cops that police work is “Hundreds of hours of boring patrol work and the occasional 2 or 3 minutes of absolute terror”. While I agree with that there’s also something else that all cops must deal with. That is stupid criminals. We had another saying I was extremely fond of and that was “If it weren’t for stupid criminals, we’d never catch anyone”. That was meant to be funny, but some of the best laughs I’ve ever had in my life had to do with the people I met during investigations and the statements they gave in response to my questions. Here are a few examples of situations other cops have dealt with that might tickle your funny bone.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE $2000?
Army military policeman Daniel Christian Bowden, 20, was arrested at the Fort Belvoir (Va.) Federal Credit Union as he attempted to deposit almost $3,000 of cash into his account. A teller called police on Bowden because she recognized him as the very man who had robbed the credit union of nearly $5,000 two weeks earlier.
STEAL THE RIGHT THING
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
PLEASE ARREST ME
Carlos Manuel Perez, 21, was jailed in Anniston, Ala. after a series of missteps that almost begged for his arrest. He stopped in front of a local government building in a stolen car, which had no license plate. His intention, he told the first person he saw, was to inquire about getting a non-photo identification card, since he was not carrying a driver’s license. That first person happened to be Sheriff Larry Amerson, in uniform. When pressed for ID, Perez produced a social security card with the name Matthew Nowaczewski (though Perez has a dark-skinned Hispanic complexion). He also produced a birth certificate under that name but with some information erased and rewritten in pen, including his birthplace of “MiSSSissippi.” Said Amerson later, “I know I’m from Alabama, but I’m not that stupid.”
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
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As my contribution to the current culture, I feel a real responsibility to donate something to the cause. Since I’m not a poet, I have the right to have some fun with poetry in general. I’ve never really had an appreciation of poetry and all of the flowery and descriptive emotions that are thrown around so freely. Since I’ve never heard most of those pretty phrases used in normal conversation, they don’t feel real and meaningful to me. I like my poetry to be more down to earth without all the BS. Here’s another beauty for you . . .
❤OLDIES❤
Be Bop A Lula, She’s my baby, I’ve loved those lyrics for years.
In the backseat, we hummed right along in between all of the beers.
I stroked and stroked her beautiful hair as the Coasters sang “Charlie Brown”.
Off with our clothes and tickled her toes as we turned our frowns upside down.
Those oldies had a wonderful rhythm that made our hips get the beat.
A kiss on the neck, a breast in my hand, and a cop with a flashlight….
Shit! It’s the heat.
It’s certainly no Robert Frost piece of work but that’s okay by me. He wouldn’t like my work almost as much as I don’t like his. I wrote this little ditty when I was in the ninth grade and Sue didn’t appreciate it either.
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Poetry Blows
And so, does Sue.
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everyuselessthing.com 