10-20-2013   4 comments

Why are farts and farting so funny?  I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree.  As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).

Yesterday was a good example.  I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff.  I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes.  About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes.  If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming.  I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time.  She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been  a red flag for me and quickly walked away.  I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds.  The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.

My father would have been so proud of her.  He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away.  His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate.  He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped.  He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.

I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism.  I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge.  It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.

You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables.  I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine.  I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay  my trap.  An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone.  I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately.  I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her.  She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth.  I freaking loved it.

You have to admit, that was damn funny.  I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off.  He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites.   Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:

Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud

Have a wonderful day and be careful out there.  You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.

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4 responses to “10-20-2013

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  1. Farts are NOT cute, but this was funny. My bf has the kind of farts that linger in the air for WAY TOO LONG…it’s amazing. No wait, I think I mean disgusting, lol.

  2. Not gonna lie, I have been guilty of the SBD in public around others.

    And, through karma, I have been victim to them, too.

    Hilarious post.

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