Archive for the ‘farts’ Tag

08/22/2021 Olfactory Time Travel   Leave a comment

I hear people talking all the time about how a certain song takes them back. I’ve had that experience on many occasions myself and it’s enjoyable and comforting for just an instant. Music can be a trigger to the past for some but I find that my sense of smell works better for me. A certain smell can capture me and move me to a different time and place. It can be so vivid to a specific incident that I can close my eyes and see the exact spot, smell the exact smells, and see the people who were there. It’s an amazing transition and it usually happens when I least expect it.

If I pick up a baseball glove in Walmart, the smell of the leather sends me back in 1955 as I was driving with my father to my first Little League practice. Interestingly enough Elvis Pressley was singing Heartbreak Hotel on the radio at the time.

Over the years I’ve frequently spent time on shooting ranges to stay proficient with my pistol. On certain wet and rainy days coupled with the smell of gunpowder, takes me immediately back to the summer of 1968 and my time in the Korean DMZ for the Army. I still break out in a cold sweat because it seems so damn real.

There’s one other memory I’d like to recall but I do so cautiously. My father was something of a farting professional. He enjoyed nothing better than to take me food shopping with him which was always a bit embarrassing for me. He was a phantom farter who would leave SBD’s in an aisle and then walk to an adjacent aisle to enjoy the reactions. I can’t tell you on how many occasions I was blamed for being the culprit as he hid laughing hilariously nearby. Still after all these years if I smell a fart in any food store I automatically think of my Dad.

How about the smell of Jean Nate. My first real tongue-on-tongue kiss was done to the smell of Jean Nate. It was 1961 and we were at the Friday night dance at St. Ladislaus Church. We kissed briefly in the alley behind the church and believe me it was memorable. Unfortunately for me my mother came to love Jean Nate a year of so later which created a lot of confusion for me. That smell still takes me back to that alley for that incredible kiss but I keep thinking my mother’s sneaking around somewhere and will unexpectedly show up. It’s a little disconcerting and a major distraction to a wonderful memory. By the way Kathy G., it still remains a wonderful kiss.

So for those of you who are moved by music, and those of us who are moved by smell, we’re the lucky ones. I fear there are many people out there who aren’t moved by much of anything. Links to their past are either too painful to relive and they’ve blocked them or they just don’t care at all.

I LOVE OLFACTORY TIME TRAVEL

08/13/2021  Your Useless Information Fix   Leave a comment

It’s been a long week and I’m a little sick of thinking or talking about politics, younger generations, and the pandemic. I’m on overload with more news about masks and all of the assorted BS that goes along with that. I think it’s time for another installment of Totally Useless Trivia. The following items came into my files over the last few years and I love saving them for these not-so-special occasions. Let’s get started.

As an adult human being you have more than 20 square feet of skin on your body about the same square footage as a blanket for a queen-size bed. How creepy is that?

We Americans eat approximately 100 acres of pizza each day, or 350 slices per second. Yet for some reason we still don’t seem to understand why obesity is running rampant through the country. Are we really that stupid?

An estimated 800,000 senior citizens voluntarily give up their driving privileges each year. The average age at which they surrender the wheel is 85.

All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” read 04:20. Rent the movie and check it out.

Americans appear to have the most sex at 132 times a year, with the Russians close behind at 122 times a year. Hard to believe the the French are only at 121.  Let it be known that I’m officially volunteering to verify these numbers.

A portion of the water you drink every day has already been drunk by someone else, maybe several times over. This I didn’t really need to know, Ewwwwwwww!

About 1.7 liters of saliva is produced each day in an average person.  You can’t have those long sloppy wet kisses without it.

A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz in a day.  Wonderful, just freaking wonderful.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent while men like it more strenuous.  I think it’s really 30 muscles if you get my drift. LOL

Condoms will last about a month when stored in a wallet; any longer and its more likely to break. Wish I would have known this back in high school. I carried one for three years.

A Georgia company will mix your loved one’s ashes with cement and drop it into the ocean to form an artificial Reef. It must be “Greenie” heaven.

35 billion emails are sent each day throughout the world. Who cares, it’s mostly SPAM anyway.

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time. From a former white-knuckle flier, “better them than me.”

3,400,000 Americans are considered “Extreme Commuters”. These are people who commute over 90 minutes round trip every day to work. Anyone who’s ever lived in a major metro area can verify this one. Route 128 in Boston was my home for years.

That should curb your craving for stupid and useless information for another week or so. When you start going into withdrawal, drop me an email and I’ll fix you right up.

08-06-2017 Syndromes!   Leave a comment

Image result for syndrome text images

I think I’ve become a victim of RAS Syndrome. As you well know there seem to be hundreds of magical syndromes that are announced on a regular basis to help excuse what some might call “shitty behavior”. While there are many real syndromes out there some alleged experts create as many questionable or fictitious  syndromes as the imagination will allow. It’s those acronyms and syndromes  that are driving me mad. Searching the Net I’ve found hundreds and hundreds of these acronyms for just about anything you can think of.  Here’s one of mine:

RAS Syndrome (short for “redundant acronym syndrome syndrome”) refers to the use of one or more of the words that make up an acronym in conjunction with the abbreviated form, thus in effect repeating one or more words.

How about a few examples?

If you fart in church then you must be suffering from the infamous NFIPP Syndrome. That’s “Nasty Farts In Public Places”. It’s really not your fault that you farted, it’s the fault of the Church for pressuring you into attending services after one of their famous bean dinners.

Another of my favorites is the BBABO. That’s the “Bad Breath And Body Odor Syndrome”.  No matter where I go or where I sit a person suffering with this disorder manages to be right next to me.  That in turn gives me a case of VIMT. That’s “Vomit In My Throat Syndrome”‘, for those of you who are unaware that you may suffer from that same disorder.

I’ve also  noticed another major syndrome as I walked through our local Wal-Mart recently. It’s one of the most common ones I see these days. It’s confusing, disgusting, and at times revolting and it’s called the YODOAFM Syndrome. “You Obviously Don’t Own A F–King Mirror Syndrome”.  Many Wal-Mart customers have been infected over the years and now it’s threatening to become a pandemic.

I’ve suffered from a another syndrome since early childhood.  At times it’s been a good thing but occasionally it’s anything but. It’s the IDGASWYT Syndrome. That’s the “I Don’t Give A Shit What You Think Syndrome”. It’s something genetic I inherited from my father, his father, and his father.

The one that has shown up recently to cause all of us problems is the IHTBIAWC Syndrome. That’s “I Hate Trump Because I’m A Whinny Crybaby Syndrome” It’s been running rampant through the country since Election Day but only seems to be infecting Liberals, Democrats, and a few million illegal aliens.

I have another one for all of  them.  It’s the KMIA Syndrome (Kiss My Independent Ass).

 

 

 

 

 

11-21-2013 Miscellaneous Stupid Crap   Leave a comment

Today is “Stupid” day here at Every Useless Thing.  I thought I’d start your short trip through my neighborhood with this photo that is worth much more than a thousand words. It perfectly explains for me our government’s innate ability to handle those complex jobs they keep asking us to finance.

rpossum

Let’s move on to our next subject which has always been a source of mirth and giggling for me.  I love anything fart related thanks to my late father.  He had a strange sense of humor that as a child I learned to appreciate and be wary of.  I learned at a very early age when he stuck out his hand and requested “smell my fingers” that I should run not walk away as quickly as possible.  He nailed me with that prank just once but kept trying for the next thirty years to get me a second time.  Here are a few fart facts you probably don’t know.

  • Termites are the largest producers of farts.

  • Farts are created mostly by E. coli.

  • On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% is what makes them stink.

  • The temperature of a fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

  • Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second. (Where’s the record on hang-time?)

  • A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.

  • Although they won’t admit it, women fart as much as men. (And they really reek – just a personal observation.)

  • The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").

  • Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."

So much for your continuing fart education.  Next is a photograph for all of those American commuters who daily ride the rails to and from work in most of our major cities.  Stop your bitching and complaining about the crowds and the terrible conditions.  As you can see by this photo it can get worse.

traincommute

I’ll just bet that riding on that train gives a whole new meaning to the term B.O.  God bless America!  Now in keeping with this blogs name, here are a few totally useless facts which are stupid and interesting all at the same time.

  • A bag of 1,000 quarters weighs 13.42 lbs.

  • You can’t sneeze in your sleep.

  • Siphonapterology is the study of fleas.

  • The albatross can fly while sleeping.

  • Morphine is named after the Greek god of sleep.

  • Pigs can get a suntan.

  • Alfred Hitchcock had no bellybutton.

  • Ostriches don’t bury their heads in the sand.

  • There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.

  • Hitler’s favorite movie was King Kong.

Finally I thought you should be made to appreciate the efforts I make in getting this blog posted every day.  This is the telephone pole just outside my home where I’m forced to rewire my Internet connection on a daily basis because of my neighbors. They keep trying to illegally hook up to my feed and it’s a real battle at times. What’s life without a struggle or two?

indianelectical

Have a Wonderful Day!

10-20-2013   4 comments

Why are farts and farting so funny?  I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree.  As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).

Yesterday was a good example.  I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff.  I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes.  About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes.  If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming.  I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time.  She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been  a red flag for me and quickly walked away.  I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds.  The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.

My father would have been so proud of her.  He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away.  His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate.  He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped.  He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.

I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism.  I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge.  It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.

You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables.  I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine.  I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay  my trap.  An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone.  I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately.  I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her.  She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth.  I freaking loved it.

You have to admit, that was damn funny.  I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off.  He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites.   Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:

Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud

Have a wonderful day and be careful out there.  You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.

10-09-2013   Leave a comment

Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts?  I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself.  If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and  use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately.  Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry.  It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.

In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding.  At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life.  It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation.  The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.

I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over.  It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny.  It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas.  It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time.  God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death. 

I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose.  I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts.  The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight. 

It’s painful at times not just for me but for others.  My cat has abandoned me.  The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room.  He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day.  It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time.  I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat.  He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared.  I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.

I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle.  If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area.  The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself.  It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.

Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.

05-11-2013   2 comments

It’s time again for another installment of totally useless information.  If you remember all of these tidbits after reading this blog for a year you’ll be declared an Unofficial Trivial Pursuit Expert. Even that game doesn’t include some of the strange and useless stuff found here.

My search will continue to find as many of these stupid and useless facts as possible and forward them along for your amusement.  We humans are a strange folk as reflected by the following:

  • Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?
  • Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
  • Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
  • Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
  • If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
  • The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
  • During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
  • There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.
  • More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.
  • Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.
  • The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year.
  • Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year.
  • In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter”.
  • Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.
  • A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.
  • In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds.
  • Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.
  • Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
  • If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  • Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
  • A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
  • Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States.
  • The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
  • A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.

I think my favorite from this list is Pope John Paul II becoming an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.  It’s funny on a number of levels and I can just picture him, robes flapping, doing a Michael Jordan flight to the basket for a truly holy dunk.

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