Archive for the ‘smelly’ Tag

07-09-2016 Flea Markets & Other Junk!   Leave a comment

With the better-half’s vacation coming to an end I can see the light at the end of the honey-do list tunnel.  It’s been a great week for use both and to prove it I’m posting a number of miscellaneous photos taken in odd places at odd times. People may call these locations flea markets yard sales or garage sales but let me be a bit more accurate.  It’s more like junk yards, piles of crap, or just plain garbage.  I know I’m being a little harsh but OMG.

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Just what every summer tourist needs . . . snow shoes.

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Then who doesn’t need dishes and glassware at a quarter a piece?

I’ve held two garage sales in my life and I know how I prepared for the shopping public. I unloaded every piece of crap I could find onto tables, priced them for under a dollar, smiled a lot, lowered the prices when necessary, and at the end of the day I made a hundred dollars or so.  Who knew my crap was so in demand.

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Does this look familiar to you?

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How about this.

 I’m not a shopaholic like my better-half and thank god for that.  I can only handle visiting a few of these places before I start to get a little crazy.  It makes me itch all over with imaginary bugs and the smell at times is godawful.

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Does anyone out there really need a POS boat. NO! How about a bunch of nasty looking lobster traps?

P. T. Barnum had it right all along.  As far as suckers go, “There’s one born every minute.

SO TRUE . . . SO TRUE

01-26-2015 Journal– A Revised Number List!   Leave a comment

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“This is a courtesy warning for those of you with weak stomachs. What you are about to read was written while under the influence of twenty different cold and flu medications. Proceed at your own risk.”

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As my better-half and I lay here in bed this morning coughing and sniffling, I had a major epiphany.  Basically the human body is a complex, disgusting, and disturbing mess.  Let’s run down the list of my favorites things.  We have farts, body odor, bad breath, smelly feet, and a host other smells that are best forgotten. We are easy infected with every virus imaginable and the medical research community is hard at work (so they say) to come up with answers and remedies for them.  That doesn’t include the common cold of course. Nothing or no one seems to be able to find that super drug that will conquer that sneaky little disease.

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Let’s not forget the biggest two items we first learned about as children, #1 and #2.  Let’s call them what they are, urine and poop.  I’m not sure what genius started the #1 and #2 nonsense but I’d bet it was some goody-two shoes afraid to say those two disgusting words.  While he was standing around being disgusted he made a critical error.  He forgot the all important #3, Phlegm aka mucus aka sputum. While urine and poop are smelly and disgusting phlegm rules. It comes in multiple colors and multiple textures and it never stops being produced. At least with urine and poop, you go once and your good for a while. With phlegm there’s no end.  I could probably fill an Olympic size swimming pool with all of the phlegm my body has produced in my lifetime. In just the last twelve hours my better-half and I have produced at least twenty gallons each without even trying.

I actually prefer the term sputum rather than phlegm or mucus.  It sounds much more sophisticated and medical.  If someone  says the word phlegm to me it immediately brings to mind a pearly little lugie.  Lugies are even more disgusting because you can be targeted accidentally or purposely by one of those mean spirited and accurate lugie spitters.  If someone says "I have a build up of sputum in my throat." It sounds a little less disgusting and more official. 

So, what have we learned so far.  First there should a #3 added to the lexicon to identify Sputum or phlegm or mucus.  I’m really just trying to class things up a little for a change but no one wants to cooperate.

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I see in our future a new national observance for Sputum Day.  This substance has become as big a part of our miserable lives as #1 and #2 and in January and February may even surpass them.  It deserves to be recognized and celebrated with parades and parties not just in the US but across the world. We already have Earth Day and I think it’s time for Sputum Day.  The drink of the day can be green beer (stolen from St. Paddy’s Day) and laced with mayonnaise.  A thick and repugnant drink that can really bring back memories of colds and flu from your childhood. There’s nothing better than a disgusting trip down Memory Lane.

Enough! This post is actually beginning to turn my stomach too. I’ll clean up my act when and only when I start to feel a little better.  Meanwhile I’ll just keep producing all this phlegm and sucking down all these miracle cold and flu remedies that don’t really work.  All they do is create more Sputum.

Don’t even get me started on Smegma.

10-20-2013   4 comments

Why are farts and farting so funny?  I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree.  As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).

Yesterday was a good example.  I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff.  I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes.  About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes.  If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming.  I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time.  She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been  a red flag for me and quickly walked away.  I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds.  The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.

My father would have been so proud of her.  He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away.  His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate.  He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped.  He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.

I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism.  I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge.  It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.

You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables.  I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine.  I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay  my trap.  An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone.  I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately.  I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her.  She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth.  I freaking loved it.

You have to admit, that was damn funny.  I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off.  He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites.   Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:

Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud

Have a wonderful day and be careful out there.  You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.

10-09-2013   Leave a comment

Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts?  I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself.  If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and  use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately.  Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry.  It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.

In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding.  At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life.  It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation.  The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.

I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over.  It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny.  It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas.  It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time.  God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death. 

I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose.  I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts.  The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight. 

It’s painful at times not just for me but for others.  My cat has abandoned me.  The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room.  He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day.  It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time.  I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat.  He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared.  I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.

I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle.  If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area.  The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself.  It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.

Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.